Nanny buhlemic

[user4501]

Hello

I have a live in nanny who is good with the kids. My kids are 2 and 4, girls
The nanny is very large size and very aware of it. When k do the weekly shop, the things she adds to the Tesco order are huge: 3 multipacks of crisps, 10 diet ready meals, 4 packets of biscuits, giant packs of diet drinks etc
Her level of work has really slipped recently (been here 8 months). Stopped cooking healthy meals and gives them pizza twice a week, and in the evening goes out for 45 minutes (pitch black) but obviously totally her choice, and I've noticed she goes straight in for a shower. Also when we ask her to bring her bin down on a Tuesday so we can take her rubbish out for her she doesn't and I've noticed she has hoarded food and pizza boxes up there (perhaps because I do have a house rule that try not to eat in your bedroom but if you do please bring it down as i really don't want mice!)
Anyway last night I heard her having another shower and I notice she has about 3 showers a day- when the kids are at morning nursery, morning time before work and evening time
But I heard her being sick. And flushing the toilet 3 times, then turne the shower off and went back to her room

As a back story: I was a bit annoyed as she was meant to help me put kids to bed as OH is away and she said she had to urgently help her friend who is feeling sad and homesick so obviously I said she could go out instead. She was gone 3 hours. And then came straight back and was sick.
Also worth noting that when I asked her to go (obviously with our bank card) to get some food for the family until the shop arrived. She spent £1.50 on the children bananas
Nothing else
And £25 on herself

I'm obviously mixing up two issues
But I don't know what to do?
Worth mentioning also that I have recovered from years of eating problems and am extremely wary of disordered patterns around the children as I worked very hard to never expose them

anyone?

What a complicated situation.
Is she turning the shower on to cover up the sound of vomiting?

Spending so much on ‘diet’ foods plus biscuits is astonishing when it’s your money. I would have to comment on that.

There's a mixture of issues here.

Bluntly; she's not doing her job, and is trampling all over your agreements eg spending £25 on food for herself, and only £1.50 on the children! You need to work out what you want to do about this. I think list the issues for yourself, then when you speak to her, make it clear this isn't acceptable.

Regarding the bulimia, this is very sad. I think you should also raise this, and offer help.

However, it needs to be linked in with your role as an employer. You can help her, if she can commit to carrying out her job in the way set out.

Otherwise she may need to take sick leave.

it is so complicated
yes - so she turns the shower on to hide the sound
I noticed it because i thought - how weird, third shower of the day
and then I heard her coughing then wretching, flushing the loo, then wretching again and basically sounded like she was being sick, then flushing the loo. happened 3 times, then she turned the shower off and walked straight out (fully clothed)
it was v obvious.

I am really fed up with the food orders. Its difficult, because she is quite a big girl and obviously very conscious of her weight (its all junk food, but all "portion controlled" in 100 calorie packets), I don't want her to feel embarrassed. But I did say last week, why are we ordering 10 more ready meals when you already have x in the freezer and fridge? and why more diet lemonade when you already have 6 cans there?
she just says oh yeah sorry. and leave s it, and a week later its the same.
I think perhaps she may have binge eating disorder. This is my latest theory on it in any case...

i guess my question is - if i confront it, I am not going to be able to fix it! We are both really busy working long hours, and really need support. My OH is away at the moment and I am tearing my hair out, and her work ethic is getting worse and worse, coming to work downstairs late, making excuses to rush out, and eg last night she put 10 fish fingers in the microwave (!) and made such a mess and smell, then ran upstairs with them without cleaning it up. its just all becoming very difficult. I know its not about me. I just feel very stressed with it all, and want it to be easier and fixed but this is not something that I feel I can do -it takes the pateint to want to be fixed. Also, i know from history of friends it is the hardest illness to get rid of, apparently more addictive than heroin

This is very sad if she is bulimic, but you are paying her to do a job and if she is not fulfilling those duties you absolutely need to raise that with her. I think also you need to say that the shopping bill is becoming a problem and set a budget for her and be specific if you send her out with your card about what she needs to buy. You are going to have to approach this quite sensitively, but it is going to impact on your family and needs to be confronted.

Tricky one, as it sounds like she is struggling her actions are as a result of being poorly and can't be helped in many ways. That said, there are implications of not being able to manage or control those behaviours (again not her fault at this time), I would be concerned at the behaviours around food being passed onto the children, as well as of course not currently doing the job to the standard you need. The food shop sounds like perhaps having a technically unlimited budget is facilitating her to binge, but unless stipulated in her contract that there's a limit etc then tricky to dictate. Ideally I'd say seek some legal advice to ensure its managed appropriately but appreciate this might not be easy. Best case scenario is she acknowledges her eating disorder and seeks the appropriate help (it can take a lot of courage to admit this though, and the wait for help is very long), and in the meantime try and mitigate the impact of it on work.

Basically I think it's reasonable you have concerns but important to follow the correct process (whatever that is) for her sake and yours legally.

I wonder if you could broach the subject by saying you're concerned about her health, that you’ve noticed a few things and feel you have to talk to her.

It is very difficult and be prepared for her to react badly, and she may well decide to leave, but you have to protect your Dc.

I think you need legal advice tbh, and urgently.

You are her employer, so you are bound by law in your dealing with her. The fact that she also lives in your house and cares for your children makes this extremely complex and sensitive.

If you employ a payroll company, do they offer any legal advice services?

Separate the issues. Her care of the children is the issue. Prioritising her food needs over their food needs is neglectful and presumably gross misconduct. Not being available to put them to bed also potentially misconduct. The fact that her behaviour is caused by an underlying eating disorder is sad, but at the end of the day she isn't providing good enough care whatever the reasons.

Get legal advice. You're in a very difficult position because someone with such an active eating disorder isn't safe to care for your children.

I'm afraid you have to give her notice and get a new Nanny.

Do NOT risk her giving your children inappropriate meals OR an inappropriate attitude to food and eating.