Am I a terrible friend?

[muma2021]

My best friend is getting married and I’m the maid of honour. I am also a first time mum and my baby will be 10 months when we celebrate for her hen party that I am planning along with the other bridesmaids.

We have planned to go away for the weekend HOWEVER I think it would be unfair to leave my baby, we co-sleep and she nurses a lot through the night. I’ve never been away from her before, only an hour in the day and that’s a very recent thing as it is. How am I supposed to leave her for 2 nights and 3 days?!

Am I a terrible friend for not wanting to go because I don’t want to leave my baby? I know it won’t go down well (with bride) if I was honest and said that it’s not very practical for me at the moment - she’s already been making comments about how my baby will have no choice but to be left when it’s the hen do and the wedding!

How could I do this so it’s fair on everyone? I’m half tempted to just become ‘poorly’ when the time comes so she doesn’t feel so let down by me and I don’t look like the rubbish friend i clearly am.

I keep flitting between “my baby is more important than her feelings and looking like a bad friend” to thinking “baby will survive even though it’ll be hard for them and I know that but just go for it”
What would you do?
Gut says don’t go for me however much id like to.

How far is it - could you go for just one day?

How long away is it until hen do? Also what is distance from home? Could you not do one night?

I organised hen do when DS was 4 months old - but we didn't Co sleep & DH was very capable at looking after him.

I think you should make some effort tbh.

Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. I would understand if you were my bridesmaid. A friend that doesn't understand this, isn't a great friend tbh. It's difficult for childfree people to understand sometimes but it shouldn't prevent someone from at least trying to see it from your perspective. Just explain the situation to her and make sure you've done everything else you can to make her wedding day special x

I wouldn't leave my baby if I wasn't ready to do so, and I would expect a decent friend to understand. However, I would also expect my closest friend to make an effort for my wedding.

Is there a compromise for the hen-do? Could dh and the baby travel with you so that you can be with the baby overnight but still be around for your friend? What about the wedding, I presume he and the baby are invited to that anyway?

The hen do I went to however was only one night. I don't know how hen dos have become a whole weekend!

Personally I'd be up front, she's likely to be pissed off if you cancel last minute even if it's because you're 'ill'.

I would say, look, I am BFing and Co sleeping, and I don't want to leave my baby for your hen and wedding. I am honoured to be your maid of honour but I don't want to let you down either. If you still want me there for the planning and day time stuff then I'd love to, otherwise I want to give you the chance to choose someone else.

I expect she will probably be a bit grumpy but I hope she'll understand in the long run. I asked things of my friend and sister when they had little babies that I just didn't understand would be hard. If someone had asked them of me when I had little ones I would really have struggled to do the same.

I would make an effort and go for one night. She is your best friend. I know people say if she is a friend she will understand but people become myopic when it comes to their wedding and I think if you bail entirely the friendship won't recover.

Don’t leave your baby if you don’t want to! So she’ll be annoyed. That’s okay. You and your baby come first.

she’s already been making comments about how my baby will have no choice but to be left when it’s the hen do and the wedding!

What does she suggest you do with your baby when you’re at the wedding?

She sounds jealous and resentful. Is she? Friendship should be a two-way street. This sounds like you do what she dictates on pain of her cutting you off. I don’t much like the sound of her. Her wedding is a big deal for her. Your baby is a big deal for you. You and your baby don’t seem of any importance to her.

My little boy is three and I’ve never left him.

My second is breastfed and co-sleeps so I’m basically a recluse now.

Do what feels right for you.

I do lots of things I'd rather not for my friends so yes I would leave my baby for a good friends hen. I wouldn't want to but I'd do it. (Assuming of course baby was looked after by dh or someone I trusted.
Let's face it , baby will be fine its just you don't want to

I think you need to step down as maid of honour as you're clearly not 100% in to it.

Also if the baby is 10 months old at the time surely you will be close to having to leave the child to go to work at that point?

No, you're not a terrible friend! Could you have an honest conversation with her and come to the decision with her? explain that if it's really really important to her, your willing to make the sacrifice for a night or two, but make sure she is aware of the distress it's possibly (probably) going to cause you and your baby? Hopefully if she's a really nice person she will appreciate that your baby's needs come first, even if she can't fully understand why. I had some similar situations (although I wasn't a bridesmaid) this year. I had to miss my friends hen and had to take my partner along to her abroad wedding which was a massive faff - babies weren't allowed to the wedding so he had to stay in the hotel room with our little one and I had to nip back and forward during the wedding to breastfeed. Despite all that effort to not let her down the friendship fizzled anyway, and she didn't speak to me since. I don't think she was happy that I wasn't "all in" if you know what I mean. Have an honest conversation with your friend, she may surprise you. It's so hard to understand the demand of breastfeeding/motherhood before you do it. Good luck!

Let's face it , baby will be fine its just you don't want to

OP knows her child better than you do. And what she wants matters too. Let’s face it, she’s a person, not just a bit part in her friend’s fantasy wedding.

I hate leaving my kids overnight and have only done it for work commitments over the last 5 years. I think the suggestion of taking your husband and child with you is a good one. They can stay in the hotel or in nearby accommodation, and you can go to them after the hen activities in the evening.

I don't think you're a terrible friend, it's really hard to know how you'll feel about leaving your baby until you're actually in that situation.

There's no way I could have left my eldest at 10 months (& older), not just PFB, he was a boob monster and was not comforted by anything else and was a terrible sleeper. Second baby is still EBF but really isn't fussed, only seems to feed for necessity not really comfort, is a much better sleeper and I've been able to leave him for a couple of hours in the day from only 3 months. No one else can say what's best as only you really know your baby and how they'll likely react.

If she's your friend she'll understand.

@Crazycrazylady you're probably right, she will most likely be fine but I'm worried - what if she's not? What if I cause some issue and which was to lead to bad separation anxiety?? I can't relax and bring myself to do go, the problem must be that I don't want to go.

And @abw94 I hadn't considered stepping down as maid of honour, I didn't know that was a thing. I've not even been a bridesmaid before and not too sure how these things work. How do you suggest I do that? Wording it for example? And no I am not returning to work for a while yet

And, thank you, everyone for your comments I do appreciate it. It's nice to hear a lot of different opinions

I wouldn't have left mine at that age- no way. Friends come and go, your baby is yours.
If she's not a friend that 'comes and go's' she will understand and your friendship will stay as it was but to me the comments about your baby 'having to get used to you leaving them for the hen do/ wedding' seem a bit spoilt as in I win over your baby those days.

At 5 I've never left dc. I don't want them staying over anywhere else either. I love being there for my dc- not that those who leave theirs don't but everyone is different and that's ok.
One of my bff's regularly left her now 5 year old as a baby, to go to Jen do's, nights out, holidays with friends etc and now leaves her 5 year old and 5 month old! She's still a great mum.

I think what I'm trying to say is staying with/ leaving your baby doesn't make you a good or a bad mum.

You do what is right for you and your baby.

I've completely missed the question sorry @muma2021

You're not a bad friend either!

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere

Personally I'd be up front, she's likely to be pissed off if you cancel last minute even if it's because you're 'ill'.

I would say, look, I am BFing and Co sleeping, and I don't want to leave my baby for your hen and wedding. I am honoured to be your maid of honour but I don't want to let you down either. If you still want me there for the planning and day time stuff then I'd love to, otherwise I want to give you the chance to choose someone else.

I expect she will probably be a bit grumpy but I hope she'll understand in the long run. I asked things of my friend and sister when they had little babies that I just didn't understand would be hard. If someone had asked them of me when I had little ones I would really have struggled to do the same.

This.

Not wanting to leave your baby is completely normal. But give your friend the chance to choose someone else. Do't let her down at the last moment.

She would be a more terrible friend to hint you should leave your dc for a piss up.

Gosh I'm quite surprised by the responses here. When my first was 10 months I was working full time and comfortable traveling for several days at a time. It wouldn't enter my head not to go away for a weekend hen do.
But I think that just shows we're all different and it doesn't matter what I would do in your shoes, you have to be comfortable with it yourself. Be prepared for her to think that you just can't be bothered to go though...

I think everyone has different comfort levels and uts about being honest.

I have a 2 year old and I left him for one night at 11 months. It's my hen do this year and I have two friends coming both with babies, one will be 4 months and one 11 months yet my sister in law has an 18 month old who she doesn't want to leave so isn't coming at all. None of them breastfeed and all have very capable Dads they just have different comfort levels.

Be honest with your friend