Finding things overwhelming

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Hi Everyone

I need some advice.

I go back to work in the new year full time, I work weekends. I get 1 in 8 off. My husband also works full time and weekends but he has more weekend flexibility than me.

I am finding it overwhelming planning childcare because I need to submit annual leave requests in advance to make things fair.

My parents have offered to help, they also work full time Monday to Friday so I don't want to depend on them every weekend, because it's not fair.

Last night I sat down with my husband and parents to look at the spreadsheet I had drafted for the year of 2022. I know things will pop up but I need a rough guide as to who will have DD every weekend.

We got to March and my husband walked off and said everything is fine and to stop stressing (when there are blanks in the rota). I got extremely upset because I am trying to make our lives easier by having things planned to the best of my ability. I wanted him to check things properly and he wouldn't, I am not superhuman and I can make mistakes and miss things/events. I certainly don't know all his meetings and events with work over the next 12 months.

My husbands mum is meant to be helping out once a month but my husband hasn't checked her the dates with her that I've provisionally put her down either.

By the end of it, I was besides myself upset infront of my parents and husband because ultimately I am trying to help everyone. I also don't want to depend on my parents 100% of the time. They did their share when I was a baby and they didn't have any help.

We got home last night and my husband screamed and swore at me saying I'd embarrassed him and that I've had 12 months off with my daughter so why am I stressing. He slept in the spare bedroom and is ignoring me.

Am I being unreasonable for getting upset? Is my husband in the right for behaving the way he has?

What do I do next. Help.

I think there are 2 distinct issues here.

Firstly that’s it’s probably nigh on impossible to plan out the whole of 2022 and expecting him to know all his meetings/events with work for the next 12 months doesn’t sound remotely realistic. Also, your parents have been kind enough to say they’ll help so presumably, with proper notice, you can hopefully count on them to fill in any blanks. If not then there’s also MIL. You can’t expect the impossible and if it’s too difficult to arrange then maybe one of you needs to find a new job that doesn’t involve weekends.

Secondly, that his reaction of screaming and swearing at you was awful. Yes he’s probably annoyed at you but that doesn’t in any way justify his behaviour. Is that typical behaviour from him and do you feel safe at home?

I know it's impossible to plan for everything as i acknowledged that in my post but the fact he couldn't be bothered to even appreciate the effort I am going to try and make things as easy as possible for him, really hurts.

MIL is 2 hours away and I wouldn't call her reliable.

Changing jobs isn't possible due to financial situation.

He does speak to me like rubbish if I annoy him. I am just trying to communicate with him. I never do anything intentionally but I get the cold shoulder for days on end.

Is this your first child? Sounds unmanageable to be honest, is there anywhere around you that covers weekend childcare? Imo paid childcare is the only way it will work with both of you working weekends

If this is your first child, no.

I recommend asking your husband to stop screaming like a child and to either come up with a proper solution or keep out of the way simply. Perhaps even try to have a business style meeting to discuss your problem and then make a list of options that actually will fix the issue.

Maybe you can even manage to find a paid for childcare provider that you trust in the area etc as well. Try childcare.co.uk for starters, as lots of people do advertise on there often. Good luck.

It is our first child. Thank you for your suggestions.

Our daughter is enrolled in a weekday nursery for days where we both have to work during the week. Nobody locally seems to offer a weekend service, I've even asked colleagues in work if they know of anyone who does weekend services and no avail.

I have a comprehensive amount of annual leave so I do not mind taking extra weekends off to help but I have to request them in advance with my senior boss, especially if they are bank holidays. My husband seems to think I can just demand days off with my boss with little notice, yet he knows full well he wouldn't allow that from his team. If MIL doesn't help out, that's another 9 weekends of the year I need to account for between everyone else.

My argument is he is just as responsible for sorting this as am I. The fact he won't even sit down and check what I've provisionally come up with is an insult. I am purely asking for help and support. Yet if I get it wrong and he has to work a day that he's meant to be off, it will be my fault and I will have to sort it.

You could try a babysitting service. Such as sitters.

So you need to find childcare when both work which is weekends

So find a weekend nanny

I run a local page for nannies and babysitters on fb and always parents wanting childcare and nannies replying yes

What area are you. Full of nannies ?

Look on local fb childcare sites

Contact agencies

Look on childcare.co.Uk and nanny job

I totally agree how you feel. It can be very stressfull and unnecessary when someone can help but doesn't.

Tell him you'll make it worth his while getting it sorted.

He knows it is difficult. He doesn't want to have any ownership of it. He wants you to deal with and worry about it. I can bet that he will expect and secretly already have decided that if your parents can't do it, you will take time off and sort it. I have to be honest, you need a nanny or a different job or a different husband.

Don't cook him anything until he plays ball!