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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Ap...I'm being petty but this has really peed me off!

37 replies

jINGLESbells · 14/12/2007 21:17

Ok,..so I know I'm being ridiculous but can't help feeling annoyed by this. Each week I give my AP £20 extra to cover petrol and snacks as she lives in the granny flat. I thought it would be easier and nicer than filling the tank and doing a bit of shopping for her. Anyway she goes home for Xmas on Monday, so when I paid her tonight, I was £5 short (I didn't have any more change) and thought this would be fine as she is only here 3 days this week. She wanted to know when she was getting the other £5...I said you're not,...you're only here 3 days...she said..that's not fair I've got loads of driving to do this weekend visiting my friends before Xmas...I have always made it clear that that money is not wages and for driving the kids and food. I had noticed she is not buying any food and also that the tank is empty but was ignoring this really after all I'm keeping my part of the deal. I am really peed off..I was about to give her a large xmas bonus but now feel like cutting it half!

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Original poster

jINGLESbells · 14/12/2007 21:24

By the way I feed her 5 days a week (and have offered 6 but she doesn't want it...)

OP posts:

Weegle · 14/12/2007 21:28

Well definitely don't give her the bonus, she doesn't need it particularly as she won't be here. As long as you've bought her a gift I guess.

I think you need to sit her down and have a chat. Say you were disappointed in her reaction tonight and explain why. Explain that you could have legitimately given her even less this week but thought it unkind, you therefore do not expect to have to quibble over £5. Also reiterate that the £20 is for petrol and snacks - that is her responsibility. If she doesn't stick to it say you'll stop the £20 cash and fill the car yourself and buy her snacks yourself. Say a trusting relationship works two ways, and you feel shaky after this evening but you hope that it's just a wibble and you'll be abck on track.

Sometimes I get the feeling being generous leads to having the piss taken, and you have to then rein in for a while to make it clear that it's not on.

Weegle · 14/12/2007 21:29

what does she do on the other days? is that out of the £20?

AMerryScot · 14/12/2007 21:32

I don't think you are being petty.

It's a tricky situation you are in with lots of blurring of boundaries.

I personally feel with aupairs that you should just pay them up front and not have too many monetary perks. They don't really appreciate the perks - they like them, but don't see the monetary equivalent, unless paying themselves. The only time you should give a perk is when it is truly cheaper for you, eg family/household membership being cheaper than individual ones.

However, with a car that is for both work and personal, then you should just pay the petrol for the children's use. The aupair is still getting huge value from the capital, maintenance and insurance. If she is working part week, then pro rata is fine. If she wants to do extra visiting, that is her problem, not yours. If she can't cope with this, I'd be inclined to say that the car is only for work purposes.

Original poster

jINGLESbells · 14/12/2007 21:46

Thanks Ladies...I've always told her to help herself to any food in the house and as I said either she or I cook for her and the boys mon / fri. She disappears most weekends with her friends, once a month or so they all stay here. I don't know I think she has a pretty good deal here..her own car, own flat, computer etc, and I pay well, I just feel a bit taken advantage of....

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merrychrishmash · 14/12/2007 23:33

OMG - you would swear they would never get paid = have already paid my girl for all her paid holidays (20 days for a 12 monther) and she is only here since August. She had a day sick this week plus a half day today - so worked 17hours this week. And she still texted me to see when she would get paid.

BTW she is not East European - rather affluent Europe.

Begrudged buying her Chrissie pressie today and will def not get a Chrissie bonus cos she is off for yet another 2 weeks

Desiderata · 14/12/2007 23:44

Cor blimey, 'ow the other 'alf live

Quattrocento · 14/12/2007 23:53

My deal with my aupair is that I pay an extra £50 pcm for a travel card but I don't want him to drive (he can't anyway) and we buy food. He buys himself stuff occoasionally and I worry about that because it is not up to him to buy food.

So I have the opposite problem with him. He doesn't have to do any cleaning because the cleaning lady does all that and he only has the infants for around 15 hours per week alone. That's over three days. But anytime I try to give him any more money to cover the extra food he buys - he refuses. Adamantly.

Shall we trade for a few months? I think it'd balance out then.

merrychrishmash · 15/12/2007 00:34

OOOOH can I have your guy

Would suit us cos we hav two boys and the aupairs almost always pander to the princess

Original poster

jINGLESbells · 15/12/2007 09:09

I think I'll wait till she comes back from Xmas and sit her down and explain again...or maybe I'll just tell her I'm paying for petrol and food...God I always feel like I'm treading on eggshells with bloody AP"s!
Is your guy good Quattro? I tried males this year and they were dreadful! (well, lovely, but useless around the house!)

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laura032004 · 15/12/2007 09:26

I suppose the problem from her side is that she was expecting the money. She probably sees it as a 'right' now rather than a perk. So as such she's probably including it in her budget for what she is doing.

Hmm difficult either way. Is she good in all other respects? Perhaps you could ask her to start keeping receipts for the food/petrol?

MightyMoosh · 15/12/2007 10:57

Wow wish I had an employer like you lot Im a live-in nanny and buy all my own food (sometimes I take milk for breakfast)

nannyj · 15/12/2007 13:23

Mightymoosh live in nannies shouldn't buy their own food thats part of the deal and why we get paid less than live outs. Not that i've ever taken the p*%& just eaten whats in the fridge but it's kind off seen as part of your salary.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 15/12/2007 13:27

For the lady who has already paid her yearly holiday money to her au pair, what will you do if she wants to leave before her year is up?

Don't let child care workers take advantage just because you need them.

I have been an au pair, mother's help and nanny and am now a mum and I am rather shocked/surprised at some of the goings on posted on here.

MightyMoosh · 15/12/2007 13:40

I know nannyj but the family eats none of the same food as me- i have simple tastes, sandwiches and stuff, but even their bread isnt what I eat! I also buy my own loo roll, as theres never enough!

Original poster

jINGLESbells · 15/12/2007 16:32

She definitely thought she was being short changed even though when she arrived the tank was full and there was loads of food in the flat!...She obviously is using the money to fund her weekends out, which is kind of ok, as long as she is fed...but as she finished work yesterday I don't really see why I should pay for her Xmas activities...God I can hardly afford my own
So I have now bought her a small gift and going to keep half of the bonus for myself!!
It is a shame Moosh you're having to buy all your own food... but can understand how expensive it would be to buy an extra set of food...surely you can add a few basics to your employers shopping, does she realise you're buying all your own food?

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NiftyNanny · 15/12/2007 17:47

JinglesBells, I don't see why you should pay for her Christmas socialising either - especially not by funding petrol that's supposed to be for driving your kids around!

Perhaps you could tactfully suggest that if she wants to go tripping around all over the place she shouldn't buy so many drinks once she gets there - after all, isn't that what proper grown ups have to do, budget for things?

She sounds like she thinks she's another one of your brood "but Muuuuuuuuuuum that's not FAIR!!"

coldtits · 15/12/2007 17:54

I thought that was kind of the deal with Au Pairs, niftyNanny, and that is why they get pocket money rather than a live in nanny's wage? They are supposed to be treated as one of the family, a teenage son/daughter type arrangement. It's unreasonable to pay them pocket money and expect a nanny's maturity.

I agree you shouldn't give her gadding money - but don't be surprised that she's not acting like a 30 year old woman, or that she has come to expect it. If she was mature and adult and responsible, she's be a nanny.

NiftyNanny · 15/12/2007 17:58

I know she's meant to be more of an "older sister" but the £20 as I understood it is ON TOP of her pocket money, to provide petrol and a couple of extras.

So to moan about not getting extras that weren't meant to be part of her spending money seems to be swinging the lead a bit, no?

I've got friends who live in and it's all give and take but she's not even going to be there for half of the week!

NiftyNanny · 15/12/2007 18:03

er... aye, perhaps I was being a bitter old hag, eh?
Must show how nice Jingles is that she's so relaxed and comfortable she's stropping like a good 'un!

Original poster

jINGLESbells · 15/12/2007 18:35

The £20 is on top of her pocket money which If I'm working every day is £130! so I'm handing over £150 total! I do expect a lot for that though and she's not that young either she's 24 and starting uni here next Sept

OP posts:

coldtits · 15/12/2007 19:22

Oh at 24 she is being a brat then, and you are right, she is very well paid.

I envisioned her as about 19

Quattrocento · 16/12/2007 01:02

In response to Jingle's question (you'll have to rewind - sorry) he is seriously good with the children who really really like him. He's really willing and helpful too.

He'll initiate lots of projects with them - baking, making stuff, expeditions to museums etc

But he doesn't do any cleaning at all though, that's not the deal.

Original poster

jINGLESbells · 16/12/2007 09:20

WOW!!!!!Quattro!!!!....Keep hold of him..I've never had an AP who will do that sort of thing!

OP posts:

GloriaInEleusis · 17/12/2007 17:15

Mighty, I'm surprised you have to buy your own food. Is this because you don't like the food they buy, or is there nothing to eat?

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