Fab nanny threatening to leave, please advise!

[Egede]

We have a brilliant nanny 3 days a week. She was also working 1 day for another family, which has just fallen through. She wants 40 hours over 4 days. I've found another family who want 8 hours plus 2 hours babysitting, and offered her a raise so we pay her for 30 hours though we use about 26, but she says she finds it hard working for 2 families (even though we're friends) and wants time with awake children, not babysitting. This is rural Kent and I don't think she'll find what she wants, but how can we stop her looking?

If she is threatening to leave I would let her go.

Not great for relations imo.

We've only had her 2 months and ds2 (13mo) loves her. I ask her every week if everything's OK and she's always said she's really happy. She'll also be very hard to replace.

You can't stop her looking and maybe if she does, she won't find anything better than the arrangement you are offering her.

Also, she is at least been honest & isn't just keeping quiet until she thinks she has found something! Worrying for you though...

When my boss asks me how I am I say "fine". And it's a bold faced lie. I am going to actively look for a new job in the new year.

Also, nannies come and nannies go. Your 13 month old will love the next one too.

So you think there's nothing we can do? I haven't got any more money, we're paying well over the going rate anyway and happy to do so because she's good. I don't know if there's a secret problem or if she won't take anything less than her perfect job. Meanwhile she's losing my good will.

She's our first nanny (after a disastrous 2 week experiment with someone I came home to find crying because the baby was crying and she couldn't cheer him up) and I'm feeling really discouraged. It took us 4 months to find her and I postponed going back to work for lack of childcare. Is it always this hard? Maybe I should research childminders.

Hey , Jura. How is the nanny hunt going?

Egede, you could offer her more money and she'dprobably stay. But she might leave six months later and then you'll kick yourself for giving her money you can't afford to give away and then she left anyway.

Personally, I'd let her go. When my first nanny went pair shaped it felt like my world crumbled down upon me. But, after you hire a couple more it all becomes an inconvenient routine. You know where to go (Mumsnet!), you knw what you are looking for, and there someone out there who is looking for the same.

As an employer, I try to accommodate the nanny, but I still have limits within which I must live. For example if giving the nanny a raise meant I couldn't afford for DD to take tennis anymore, then I'd have to step back and remember that DD comes first and I might be better off letting the nanny go and getting another one who can still take her to tennis. When push comes to shove I do what I think is best for the kids first, and the nanny second.

I'm sure they are words of sanity. It just feels so horrible, as if she's jeopardising ds2's happiness for what seem like quite trivial reasons when I'm willing to do all I can to make things work. But you're right, we're already having to reorganise the mortgage until ds2 is old enough for nursery and dh and I can't actually afford to go out even when she does babysit. The next thing to go would be food...

OMG, Jura, how many agency fees can a girl pay in one year?

Egede, don't beat yourself. Just do what you think is best and get on with it. Childcare decisions (just like the rest of parenting) aren't always easy. But, they are necessary. You might even find that the nanny is bluffing and she might stay when something better doesn't come up.

I used to be a nanny and am now a mum and my feelings are this.

If you are losing your good will are you happy leaving your child with her?

If she isn't happy, are you happy leaving your child with her?

She may be good with your child but the whole family, and the nanny, has to be 100% happy.

There will be other good nannies.

If it is an effort to keep her happy, she isn't right for you, you will start to resent her, she has you over a barrel and once you are desperate to keep her when she wants to go, it is best to let her go.

She's only been with you two months and took the job knowing it was 3-days per week. Her other employment has fallen through, which is a shame, but it isn't your problem. You have kindly found another family who can give her 10 hours work a week, plus have given her the option of having some more hours at your home.
In my view, you have already gone out of your way to help her. It's good that she is discussing the situation with you, but it isn't really your problem, your contract agrees the hours of work. If she can't find other work, then she may decide that your 26/30 hours is not enough, and give notice. But being in a job for just a few months, won't look good on her CV.

You can't stop her looking. You can offer some help (as you already have). Start keeping a lookout for alternative care, so that you have some contacts if she does resign.

Where in rural Kent are you? We live between Canterbury and Faversham, and currently hunting for an au-pair to provide back-up help for our nanny, so I really sympathise - the rural Kent thing is a nightmare. I despair every time I search nanny profiles and find that they only want to work in London...... chances are she will struggle to find what she is looking for if she is only looking locally, and you will probably find a replacement before she finds a job.... I have learnt through bitter experience just to go with the flow and not bend to keep people - just thank your stars when you get a good one and appreciate that it won't last for ever. I'm not sure childminders are the solution by the way, just keep your sanity and start hunting again.....

She has seen the light (I guess talked to other nannies at toddler group), agreed to the new arrangement ( so she should, since it gives her more money, more security and terms as close to her ideal as we can manage) and is being very nice indeed. Long may it last!

Squiffy, we are in Canterbury - the other family were in one of the villages and she comes in from another. Have you tried the University jobshop for an au pair? We've had two v. good mother's helps that way.

I'll try the uni - I did it a couple of years ago but will maybe have more luck this time...

There seem to be a few of us coming out of the woodwork around Canterbury - we should organise a meet.