need reassurance - 9 mo ds had 2 settling in periods with CM and cried through both of them

[Spink]

we've found a really lovely CM, like her a lot, but I feel sick about leaving him for his first full day when so far he has been really upset when we've left him there. On Fri he was only with her for an hour, and he was there an hour and a half today. Thurs and Fri he is there for the whole day (8-4.30), which is an unfortunate one-off; usually he will just be there for a couple of hours in the afternoon, 3 days a week, but some work things have come up that there is no getting round on Thurs and Fri..
I feel awful about it. I know it will take time, but i have been taken aback by the fact that he didn't stop crying. When we picked him up the poor cat was doing that breathless sobbing thing. it was horrible

You poor thing. 9 months is a really tough time in terms of separation anxiety. And if he's only met her about 3 times before for short periods of time then I guess it's only natural.

See how he is after the couple of long days - he should acclimatise after a couple of hours with her, and before you know it he won't even notice you've gone!

The other thing is to make sure you have a consistent good-bye ritual. "Bye-bye darling, Mummy's going now. I'll be back soon." Kiss. Leave.

thanks frannikin.. so is it normal for first days at childcare to be like this??

Hi Spink

Sending you lots and lots of sympathy. It will be far worse for you than for him, honest.

First days at childcare vary as much as children vary IME. However, he will survive, even if he gets upset.

Fix a time with the CM for you to phone up and see how he is getting on. It will put your mind at rest hugely to know that he's OK.

I always found that it helped to think of the cm as an auntie/grandparent that I pay for. (Our cm was an older lady and lovely.) You wouldn't worry if you were leaving your ds with a close relative for the day. And remember that it's totally normal - and very healthy - for children to be with someone other than mum, occasionally.

Best of luck.

Hi Spink. I'm a cm, so I see if from the other side! I promise you, he will be fine! It is going to take a while, there's no getting away from that, especially, since its only 3 days a week and not many hours, but it will get better.

I have one mindee who would scream when mum left her. I have her 2 days a week, which is tough for her, because its such a long time between having her and not having here. I couldn't even look at her without her crying!

I actually don't think you should make a big thing about saying goodbye. I would suggest sneaking out whilst he's not looking! You'd be suprised at how many children make a fuss, just to make you feel bad.

Stick with it, before you know it, he won't give two hoots whether you're there or not!

i have a 11mth old settling in at the mo
he comes on monday and friday and he came for 4 hours on monday and the same on friday before starting for full days

he cried at the start then got happy and cried towards the end. its quite normal and your cm will be prepared for it and hopefully when your child gets used to being left and then picked up he will get used to it

Just echoing Maureen that it is OK to sneak out. I had to. It goes completely against the grain with me. I wanted to be in control and up front and say a nice goodbye, but actually both my dss were happier if I didn't, and still are.

Would second the sneaking out, I am also a Cm, and mums that hang around trying to settle children actually make it worse for them, any chance Dad could drop off, I had a little girl who cried everytime mum dropped off as she knew it upset Mum, when Dad dropped off came in absolutely fine!

She was 14 month tho, and full time, she is now 6 and still with me before and after School.

To CMs, just out interest, do you not find that when the children notice Mummy isn't there anymore they get upset?

The little girl I nanny for gets absolutely distraught if her mother sneaks out - it's much better when mummy says good-bye properly.

I don't agree with the hanging around, but I do think that parents should say good-bye so the child(ren) knows they're gone. And then leave. Quickly.

Not really no. There's plenty of things going on here to distract an upset child. In the 12 years and about as many children that I've minded, its always worked for me.

I alwyas say goodbye to DS now but he's 2 and would get disctressed if I didn't. I did do the sneak at first but very quickly found however distressing for me they very quickly got used to it and I don't like the idea that they can't trust me not to disappear when they're not looking at any time.

I was lucky that I could afford to do a slower settling in - paid my Cm for a full day after the first two settling in periods but only worked 2/3rds of the day for a week or so.

Its absolutely a personal thing. Just because its always worked for me, doesn't mean it'll work for you. Its worth a try though?

thanks everyone..
the big day is tomorrow. dh is dropping ds off, so I'll pass on your ideas to him. Apparently he's actually been ok when dh leaves, it is 10 mins later when he looks around and can't find us that he starts to cry . THe CM said that he 'tried' to play and had glimpses of being interested in toys and things, but was just too upset to let himself get distracted..

I am more nervous about tomorrow than I thought I'd be. But I do know it is the best thing for him, to learn to be with and trust other people. Just have to ride it out and believe that it IS worse for dh and me that for him I guess... blimey, my tum is flipping around. bleurgh.

(dh has been saying goodbye to him by the way, rather than sneaking, just in case you're interested)