Aupair employers - when does the weekend start for yours? and other questions...

[laura032004]

I'm struggling a bit with this. Our ap is great, and does whatever I ask, but I'm loathe to ask for some things for fear of seeming unreasonable. If you lot can tell me it's standard practise, I'll feel a lot more confident

We're working on a 25hrs per week contract. So 5 hours per day Monday - Friday. I would say I ask her to do nowhere near that amount of hours 'work'. However, I'm more or less happy with that, as she does lend a hand at other times too. I had envisaged her working 9-11 then 4.30-7.30, but it isn't really working out that way. She has language classes two mornings a week so leaves the house at 8am on those days. She doesn't get back until 1pm at the earliest, and I've said she's free to go to the gym afterwards, so I can't really expect her back much before 3pm. She also has a class on evening per week, so leaves at 5pm latest for that, but again, I've said tag going to the gym onto the class, so she'll probably leave at 3pmish. So basically I'm losing her for 3 of my 'sessions' per week. Also, the last two weeks, she has gone out on a Friday evening (I've said that's fine btw, as I didn't know what else to say), but that means I lose another sessions help. So out of 10, I'm actually getting 6.

I'm a SAHM, so I only really ask her to tidy the kitchen twice a day, hoover and tidy downstairs twice a day, and then another task of about half an hour once a day (clean bathroom, change DS's sheets, hoover upstairs, iron 5 shirts, mop kitchen floor). That's not too strenous is it? But I can't leave the kitchen on the times she's not around, so I'm doing that myself. Same with tidying and hoovering.

So what do I do? Can I say she can't go out on a Friday until 7.30pm? (I'd be happy to negotiate to say 7pm) What about the other days? Would you ask her to tidy the kitchen before she goes out in a morning? There's not really much to do, but it just grates a bit when I end up doing it.

Feel free to say if I'm being unreasonable? She's also contracted for 2 nights per week babysitting, but we're unlikely to use more than one night per month.

Hi Laura,..sounds like your AP has got a really easy life!...My ap is paid for 6 hours a day, therefore she does 6 hours a day whether it's cleaning or childcare. IMO AP's are there as part of the household, if the floors need scrubbing and they are around that's what they do. I certainly don't pick and choose the easiest jobs for them or worry abut the amount of cleaning, they have to muck in here! As for college, my ap goes 2 mornings a week but then has to come back straight away and start her chores. If she wants to go to the gym she goes after she has finished her jobs. And the 2 mornings she is at college it's all cleaning, as she is not available to help with the kids, so..tough! I would agree on definite times for work now including college days after all I don't see why you should be paying for an AP if she's out having a great time whilst you do all the work.

I agree with Ingles. I had orginally done a timetable fothe r our au pair that arrived a few weeks ago, then when she signed up for english classes three times a week she still knows what her tasks are for that day so does them as soon as she gets back, then when they are done it's her time. She seems to see it as making sure they are done in return for us being flexible about when she does her classes (as she can't take dcs to school that day). I think you're fine with the level of cleaning. Our agency listed all those things and more in the details of what would be suitable. I think doing 'responsabilities' as well as timetable has helped now our ap has language classes, so she knows that for example the children's ironing is for her to keep on top of whenever she has spare 'work' hours.

Sounds like you're sorting it out with her though. This is our first ap and it's certainly a learning curve!

with regards to cleaning our agency said everything was suitable apart from:
ironing adult clothes (paid extra)
spring cleaning
heavy gardening (but could include mowing the lawn!!!!)
cleaning outside of windows

I think having an au pair is good if you're on your own. You can feel safe that you have someone to help with night emergencies and things.

Don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you want - it sounds like you're nice to her and get on fine. The thing that's likely to bother her most is not knowing exactly what she's supposed to do, or whether you're happy with what she's doing. Everyone thrives on knowing that they have a role and on getting some recognition. Doesn't matter what the job is.

Thanks for all your advice

I do try and praise where possible. I know I like recognition for a job well done, so I'm sure most people do. A couple of times when we haven't been in at the same time (so I've been going out just before she gets in), I've left quite detailed lists of 'extra' jobs that I want doing. Nothing terribly time consuming, but just things that stand out to me, that might take 5 minutes to put right. I'm hoping that if I do this a few times, then she'll start to notice them too. She's probably more houseproud than me anyway!

I don't think you can expect an au pair to just "notice" what needs doing really, however much it stands out to you. Leaving her a note or telling her in the morning exactly what you want done that day is fine.

I don't see why not, but I suppose it will differ from person to person. My ap is quite a mature 21 year old. I could certainly do the tasks I ask her to (and a lot more) at 21. She has previous experience of hotel room cleaning, waitressing and kitchen work which I think is proving helpful (she makes beds much better than I do!).

However, the points that I mean are things like the fact that sofa cushions need to be removed at least a couple of times a week to be hoovered underneath, as DS2 eats rice crispies on the sofa... or rather doesn't eat them!

laura - your expectations of an au pair are quite unusual . Au pairs are supposed to be taking care of children (but not sole care) - they aren't housemaids.

Anna, I disagree. Light housework and childcare is par for the course. All the ap websites make that clear. I am my aupair's 3rd family that she has worked for and she has done all that laura's aupair has done in terms of cleaning (and more) without blinking.

Of course, in the interview process, I made it clear that she had to do cleaning. Some applicants baulked and preferred more childcare (even asking for sole charge), that is fine. I did not offer them.

laura, on the hoovering under the cushions thing, I would think it is reasonable to have to point that out to the ap specifically. I never thought of asking her to do that and the dcs do eat on the sofa too. My thing is skirting boards. I have specifically told her to wipe them. Her special task for this week is de-scaling the kettle!

Actually I don't think doing these cleaning tasks make aupairs 'housemaids'. It sounds demeaning to her good work which I value highly and thank her many times for. Having a clean and ordering house has given me and my family such comfort and serenity.

If my aupair did not do it, I would be the one doing it. Does that make ME a housemaid?

No, because it's your house.

I'm constantly amazed that people expect au pairs to do housework that isn't directly related to the children. Au pairs are supposed to be learning English (or whatever the language of the country is) and in return do childcare and child-related chores, not general family chores.

Anna, I think your calling cleaning tasks housemaid tasks reflects your attitude to housework - avoid as much as possible?

I happen to think they are good for the soul and would love to do it, but for my dcs clamouring for me all the time.

I take great pains to treat my aupair as a member of my family. And every member of my family mucks in. My dh does dishes, cooks, gardens, cleans, hoovers, irons. So do I.

Let's put it in the converse - because what would happen is that dh/I would end up cooking for the whole family, washing dishes, cleaning, doing her laundry as my aupair sits around on the internet (both dcs are in fulltime nursery/school)?

My household does not require much childcare. It does require cleaning. It is in the job description on my advert. I get hundreds (literally) of applications. So I don't feel any twinge of guilt.

Au pairs are supposed to clear up their own mess, and the mess the children make (and are too small to clear up themselves). So - they keep their own bedroom and the children's bedroom clean and tidy, they do their own and the children's laundry.

They are not supposed to do ironing for other adults or heavy/general housework.

blueshoes - I don't know what kind of contract your "au pair" has with you... if you need housework, not childcare, you ought to be calling her a housemaid .

It's all a bit like typists getting called PAs, methinks

they do, anna. You are describing a classic nanny's role (and even that is open to negotiation).

An aupair is NOT a nanny. She is not qualified or skilled, she is not a professional childcarer. She is a member of the family who offers an extra pair of hands in the house in return for accommodation and pocket money.

my aupair does the school run as well, muddies the waters

No, I am not describing a nanny. A nanny may have sole charge for many hours a day and has skills (whether qualified or through experience) in bringing children up (as opposed to playing with them/keeping an eye on them while they play).

Au pairs are not supposed to do any housework generated by parents. They are not supposed to be a cheap form of household labour.

Au pairs can do school run, that is within their job description of childcare.

Sorry anna, we have to agree to disagree. The aupair market has moved on and market forces dictate. It does not operate by your rules, I'm afraid.

But blueshoes, they are not "my rules" - there is an international convention on au pairs...

anna, the schoolrun comment was just in reply to your suggested title of 'housemaid' ... I think my aupair likes being called an aupair, tbh

oooh, chapter and verse. Links please.

The essence of an aupair is live-in (although I recognise there are live-out aupairs, though more rare). The nature of live-in arrangements is that there is a lot of give-and-take on both sides.

As opposed to fixed roles and work times. And everything is up for negotiation. We all know of aupairs who claim to have childcare experience when all they did was hold their baby nephew for 10 minutes before handing him back. Some aupairs are good at childcare (one applicant was nanny standard) and others better at light housework. Some can drive, others cook up a storm. Once I make an offer, I play to the strengths of the aupair, with gentle guidance. So she does not have to feel out-of-water. I wanted my aupair to shield moe from my dcs whilse I cook, but if my dcs will only have me when I am in the house, then I will ask her to chop the vegetables instead.

That way, I don't force my dcs on her and everyone is happy and feels useful.

I cannot see how it is not exploitative.