Have given AP option to leave [sad]

[mishmash]

AP has been with us since August and can't say that she has settled at all and feel she has found everything very overwhelming and she dove in at the deep end too quickly.

When I first got to know her she was a quiet sort of girl but as soon as she arrived here she changed completely to being a social animal and I have posted before about my concerns re staying out all night and boyfriends. Not in a disapproving way as such - more in a responsible manner.

Anyway that is not the crux of the issue.

It turns out that although we corresponded for months before she arrived - and thought we would get on fantastically - at the end of the day we don't. We had a chat last night over a small issue which opened the corridors between us and I think I can now say that she doesn't suit us and we don't suit her - we both try very hard (me more so).

She is very homesick and I gave her the option to stay at home when she goes home for Xmas but she wants to stay till end May so think I will just split the difference and let her home mid March. At the end of the day there is no point with us both being stressed.

She is a nice girl but not cut out to be an aupair.

If it is stressing you, do you really have to have an aupair (i.e. is she essential for your childcare arrangments or similar)? Could you not tell her that you think she should go at Christmas? There might still be time to get another aupair for January?

Actually MishMash I agree with Laura....If you need an AP for childcare you have a much better chance of getting someone to start in January, then someone in March / April..you'll probably have to wait until June when they finsh school or college

Also bear in mind, she might not come back after xmas,... I've heard of this one before.

If you don't get on how can you possibly continue till March?

I agree,..if things aren't working out surely it's best to end it now before it turns acrimonious

Best end it now at Christmas.

She may have said she would stay on after as she needs the money.

Thats it - she said she wanted to stay till end May - I wanted to let her home at her Xmas hols but DH suggested that I split the difference.

TBH I would pay her off, not full wage but something. Neither of you are happy so what is the point in continuing?

If she's good but it is just a personality clash, then can you help her find another job? I know you are in Ireland so the market may not be so large, but that might be a solution, as the one thing that tips the balance when people are looking for an AP is if the current family really rate them....

Wish you were in the South East because I'd have her off you in a shot if she was ok (have spent weeks wasting time with AP's advertising for AP/AP+ roles then telling me they're really a nanny in effect, so won't move for less than £200 grrrrrrr)

Oh Squiffy I so agree with you. I am struggling to find even one acceptable AP on Au Pair world - I think its the fact that I've said I want an AP and not a Nanny and cannot afford to pay Nanny rates. If you are looking for a Nanny role then what are you doing on Au Pair World eh?

mishmash - sorry to hear things aren't working out, it is hard trying to live with someone that you just don't connect to eh? FYI, my AP is leaving at the end of January and I've started the search on AP world again and would, ideally, love to have another Swedish Au Pair, but most of them have at least 100 families applying to them. I am really really struggling to find even one good candidate. None of my questions get answered, nothing no reply, and yet all of our previous APs have loved us.

MrsR I could have written every word of your post. I really came to the end of my tether this week - we live near Whitstable and I got contacted by a male aupair who is currently IN Whitstable, desperate to stay in the area in order to continue college, and he was really keen on sports so wanted to come to us because we have a gym and are in the middle of a big horseriding area. So I sent him an email with a couple of questions. And did he reply? You guessed it

If you see me with steam coming out of my ears at the xmas party you know why.

Oh lots to talk about tomorrow then! I feel like putting on my profile - please do NOT say you are interested when you are clearly NOT! So bloody rude - at least if I'm not taking an AP's application any further, I have the manners to say so.

Sorry Mishmash- I think part of disappointment is that there is an emotional investment, inviting someone in to your home and showing them how your family operates. It is so disappointing when there is that realisation that it isn't going to work. I'm on my third, and may, be going for the fourth. I'm not sure though that I can afford that investment or the disappointment again.My friends say that the last three haven't worked because they just haven't been the right people for us, but the worry I have is that there may not be a right person!
best of luck anyway

Friendly I know what you mean
I really wanted this to work but her agenda if far removed from mine

my dilemma now is what i put in a reference

Uh-oh. The reference bit is the worst. especially when you know that you can't say what you want to say.

Good luck.

Mishmash. You are too nice. You have to be a mean old bag like me.

Hey Squiff, life's rough when you need a nanny and an au pair to muddle through life.