CM's: Mindees you don't actually like...

[DaDaDa]

How do you cope with Mindees you don't particularly like? I'm worried our Childminder doesn't seem to like our DS very much. We think he's wonderful (obviously) but she seems to find him very hard work (he's very lively, 13 months just started walking). Even when prompted she doesn't seem to say anything positive about him. It's bugging us.

I picked him up today and her husband was arriving back from work and said in a sarcastic tone 'Oh, he's smiling' and another Mindee's Mum has said something similar in my earshot, so clearly she's moaning about his crying.

DS doesn't seem stressed apart from at pick up and drop off, but it's a worry that she doesn't seem to have developed much affection for him after 2 months. I know CM's can't love all children, but is it asking too much for her to pretend just a little?!

Any CM's with thoughts on this? Or parents who've been in a similar situation?

diddicult situation. She certainly shouldn't be discussing him with other parents. If she doesn't like a 13 month old baby, I think she may be int the wrong job. i wouldn't be happy with her as a childminder.

difficult not diddicult!

Being fair, the other Mum could have just heard him regularly crying at morning drop off time. He's taking a long time to settle, which is why we're reluctant to change CM again.

Why do people feel the need to comment when a baby cries. It's what they do!

Why not ask her?

I know its not easy but by asking her some direct questions before she has had chance to think about her replies will be very revealing as to her thoughs on your ds and his happiness with her.

Childminders can't always like all of their mindees all of the time! But if its an ongoing dislike/ lack of affection for your ds then she shouldn't be looking after him. Children need love and affection to grow and thrive. Obv this is dependant on how long your ds is with the childminder each week. If its all the time then I would suggest you start looking elsewhere straight away..if its only a few mornings a week then maybe its not so important!

Go with your instinct...if you feel its not right then confront it now!

Jenna

i am a cm and i have one older minded child whom ive never 'really' formed a loving bond with..that aisde, we eat together, hold hands when out walking, i call her affectionate names(thinnk thats just in my nature?) like sweetheart/chick etc when we talk, i take her on lots of outings, care for her all the while shes with me, make sure shes safe/happy/fed/rested/having fun/learning etc..but no bond..was getting worried until a few other cm's said to me that you cant 'Love' them all, so i feel betetr knowing im doing my job properly now.

However, this cm, sounds like she needs to explain herself to you, tell her you get the impression she doesnt get along with him, ask her if its true, if yes, why?, what can you both do?, if push comes to shove, start looking around..i have two mindees around that age, they started walking with me and ive got toilet training next!..and i truely adore them, you cant not!

It's taken me longer to form a bond with a few of mine, others i've fallen in love with straight away, a mindee i've got at the moment came to me when he had just turned 2 and had quite a few behavioural issues already well set in place so i've been very busy concentrating on helping him improve behaviour etc which unfortunatly doesn't leave as much time to do all the nice cuddly stuff which is suppose is why it has taken quite a while for us to bond, i'd say its only been the last few weeks I have felt really loving towards him, he's always been a very affectionate child which has been a plus.

I used to childmind, and had a 4 year old boy I really didn't like, for a number of reasons (yes, I know he was only 4 and I'm not proud of my dislike). However, I made absolutely sure that neither he nor his mother had any clue about my feelings - if anything I over-compensated. CMs can't like every child, and sometimes a dislike is quite irrational (as with grown ups) but if you're at all professional you don't discuss it with other parents or let it show to the mindees parents. Quite what you do, though, I don't know - but instincts are so important.

I have a mindee who was 13 months when she started with me, it's been 3 months now. She cries when she's tired, when she's dropped off (although only to make mum feel guilty I think, she stops the minute she's gone!)although most of the time, I think she's happy! She doesn't smile much or interact well, but I'm working on it! It is hard because my DD smiles all the time, she loves interacting, finger painting, singing actions songs, stuff like that and she's 2 months younger than my mindee. It does make it harder, but to say you don't like them I feel is a bit harsh. I agree with belgo. Obviously, you can't always love someone elses child, but if you are not liking them you must ask yourself 'why am I doing this job?'. She will come to me for affection and is always pleased to see me and sometimes doesn't want to go home! She just doesn't smile much! Any photos I take are funny because DD has a huge smile and mindee has a very serious stern face! My DS manages to make her smile when he comes home from school though! Maybe she only likes boys!!!

I always try my best to get mindee to 'do' something during messy time, DD just gets in there and gets messy but mindee seems phased by it all, however, she has done some fingerpainting, gluing, we made things for halloween and are now starting with xmas stuff, every week she will take something home for mum and I always have positive things to say.

If your childminder is good at her job she should welcome a discussion about your concerns and should definately not make any reference to him to another parent. That would be most unproffessional.

I know it is a difficult one to deal with, but does your DS seem happy with her? You seem to say that he is.

My CM sometimes arranges for one of her friends to have my ds if she is away, etc... a great arrangement and she goes out of her way to meet up weekly with 2-3 other CMs so that the mindees get used to them. That circle of CMs can step in and cover for each other whenever needed and all the parents seem to like the arrangements.

At the beginning, I just did not like one of the CMs - no rational reason, she was just not like the CM I had chosen for him. But I could see that my ds was happy with her and well cared for, so I decided to not step in and refuse the arrangement. TBH, now I can see that she is a good person, but we are just very different.

The point being, I trusted my instinct and my ds' reaction. I think you need to figure out whether you still feel comfortable with her or should you start looking for somebody else. But don't just stick with it if you are not happy.

(Now I read what I have written that does not seem to make sense - I say I trusted my instinct, what I mean is that I recognised that it was not a rational dislike of her - hope it makes sense - .)

I understood perfectly spanielsmom He seems happy afterwards, when we get home - not as if he's emotionally scarred or anything - but he cries at pickup and drop off.

DS seems to smile for everyone but her! But she has a rather stern demeanour at times. I know I'm not being very flattering, but on a personal level I actually like her. I just wish she and DS seemed to get on better. When I drop him, if he cries, she somtimes rolls her eyes as if to say 'here he goes again', which is backed up by her husbands/other Mums comment.

Funnily enough he does seem to be settling a bit at drop off times this week, and the CM has said the same thing.

I think we were just a bit naive in thinking experience would be the best thing for him, as the other Mindees seem very quiet and docile and DS is always either laughing and running like crazy or demanding attention. I think it might be the fact that he's so demanding that is the problem for her. I understand how difficult that must be with 2 other small children to look after, but that doesn't make him a 'bad' child. We just might have been better off with someone more energetic.

I have asked her fairly directly ('how are things going? Are you two getting on?') but maybe I'll have to be more blunt. Maybe she's just happy enough to put up with him for the money, but that's not really fair on him if he's treated like an inconvenience.

Have any of you ever given notice on a Mindee beacuse of the childs behaviour? I just wondered how bad things need to be from a CM's perpective before you make that decision - or is it usually because the parents are a pain in the arse like me?!

DaDaDa

I'm sorry that you have been given cause for concern by your CM.

Does she do a Daily Diary for you, kind of like a brief record of what they get up to each day?

If not, ask her for one, we are supposed to !

This will give you an insight into how she views your LO, ie all moans or positive experiences.

BUT IMHO to discuss your child with anyone other than yourselves or a fellow professional is just Not On.

If you are still not happy then move on.

One of my CM friends gave notice because the 'chemistry' between her and the child was not right, this in a way was admirable because she held the child's best interests at heart

Sorry for the waffle

My CM used to be quite critical of another mindee, saying how great that DS wasn't like him, because the other mindee was spoilt and generally a pain in the bum.

I didn't openly confront her, always changing the subject quickly and hoping that it will pass.

It's not very assertive on my part but DS loves being with her and thankfully she doesn't mention the other mindee anymore.

However your DS shouldn't be treated as a inconvenience, that will set him apart and won't do his self confidence any good.

Good luck!

One of my CM friends gave notice because the 'chemistry' between her and the child was not right, this in a way was admirable because she held the child's best interests at heart

That's how I feel. I'd respect her for that.

She doesn't keep a Daily Diary. I didn't think that was obligatory, although I have heard of them.

Surely DaDaDa, you can't honestly think a 13 month old boy running around laughing and being energetic is bad behaviour? He's just a lively, happy little lad, I would be more concerned at how quiet and docile the others are! My mindee runs around like a looney and TBH, we all join in! At this age they have just found their feet, they are developing in so many ways, everything is exciting and new and it should be fun! Maybe you should look for a more energetic CM, does she ever take him out to parks, softplay or toddler groups where he can burn off some steam?

I suggest you request a chat/meeting with your childminder. Say something like, you realise from the lack of positive comments that the arrangement isn't going quite as well as you'd hoped. Find out how much & how often he's crying through the day. I had one child who would cry every time I opened the door to anyone who was not his parent. Another cried everytime someone said the word "mum" - my children thought it was hilarious to call me by my first name for a few weeks til she got more used to it all. Another child cried the whole of her first day with me but has barely lost a tear since. Hopefully with a long chin-wag you might be able to come up, together, with different strategies to try through the day and at drop off times to help him settle in more happily.

Set a date for an update chat; with any luck by then there'll be some improvement or more ideas for coping strategies. If not, you might have to think about looking for another childminder with better "chemistry". Don't prolong the arrangement if you really feel he's not getting the affection he needs.

boysarelikereindeer - there is no obligation to provide a daily diary at the moment in England, although many consider it good practice and many parents appreciate this as a keepsake. Childminders can use other means to communicate with parents, such as sitting down with parents regularly to discuss child.

Haven't been on the EYFS training yet, got to wait til May, so don't know if all the obs. etc we have to do include a requirement to do a diary from September?

Yes Ayla, I do realise that it is best practice and not mandatory to keep a diary

So yes, I would think that my line that we are 'supposed to' was not entirely accurate.

Had a hard week

Sigh

I know the feeling, this weekend just can't get here quick enough. Wasn't trying to have a go or anything, just didn't want anyone reading who doesn't do one to panic!

perhaps the reason that he is taking a while to settle is because she's not the "right" kind of person for him. My DS (2yrs) is also a very active boy and I do find that people who have quieter children do find him a bit of a handful, though I would expect an experienced CM to be able to cope with all sorts of children (how experienced is she?).

The big attraction for me of my CM was that she has two boys of 6 and 10 at home and dogs, cats etc - its manic but it suits him down to the ground. In the summer I think he spends all teh time running after her two and loves it. They are very sweet boys and take such care and time with him.

Have you thought of looking for CM's with active young children themselves?

based on my own experience I wouldn't worry too much about crying at drop off as long as it doesn;t last long after you leave. Never experienced crying at pick up though - my dS always runs to me laughing so that would concern me slightly more.

I'm trying to be polite by saying 'experienced' . Mid 50's experienced, and not really the fittest.

We're knackered running after him all day, so it must be tiring for her with 2 others too.

I hope things are calming down as he's getting steadier on his feet now, and not leading everyone by both hands all the time (was doing this from 8 months) We had a phaze where he was often coming home with bumps and scrapes. Understandable but unnerving (ie, could she not keep up with him in order to keep him safe - not anything sinister)

Lena: I don't think it's bad behaviour (he's too young to be 'naughty') just trying to be fair and accept that some kids are more challenging than others, and maybe our bright, energetic, moodswingy DS is one of them. He has toddler group twice a week which he loves, and he's tired when we collect him, so I don't think he's understimulated.

DaDa I have three mindees under 20 months and they ALL run around like mad things, its normal, they are meant to.

Mine are all little monkeys and I love them all dearly, but yes it isnt always that you love every mindee, but if she is rolling her eyes and her husband is making comments like that, and especially if she is making comments to other parents, then I would not be happy.

And by the way I'm not quite 50 (aa couple of yeasr yet ) and have Fibromyalgia, so am not the fittest person in th eworld, but I can still manage to keep up with the mindees. JUST

the rolling eyes and husband's comments would worry me too. AND the fact your ds doesn't smile at her but does readily at others and has taken a long time to settle. To me , these are signals he is unhappy as he can't yet vocalise his feelings. MY advice is that you start looking for another CM, perhaps one with a son or other male mindees of around the same age or older. Don't worry about the settling thing with a new CM. If you find the right one, there's no reason why he shouldn't settle quickly. As he is likely to be with a CM until school, he has another 2.5/3 whole years of CMinding ahead of him and to spend that time with someone who dislikes him is too sad to contemplate

Thanks to all for your advice. Thought I'd give an update - Mumsnet seems to have worked it's magic: post about a problem and it goes away.

We've had 3 weeks now of him going happily, and being much more affectionate with her. Smiling when he sees her and waving goodbye etc. She in turn seems to have warmed up to him. The timing of him originally going coincided with separation anxiety and starting to walk, so maybe he's happier now he's through that developmental stage. He seems to be happier after spending a week away with us and his Grandparents last month; maybe a coincidence or he's ready to spend more time away from me and DW now.

I still think we'll reassess when he's old enough to go to nursery, as he may be more stimulated there, but for the moment he seems happy and secure.