AU PAIRS

[PAULA45]

I am the mother of two boys now aged 10 and 13 I have had an au pair on and off for many years and I would like to warn any new mothers of going down this route for childcare. My experience of them has been ok/acceptable to a nightmare. Out of about forty over the years i could only honestly recommend one of them. Most cannot cook, do not like cleaning and all of them are extremely nosey. They sulk if you tell them off most get stuck on your computer for hours and then replace that with the mobile phone. Also the last one fell in love with my husband and attemtped to break up our marriage Luckily for me her attentions were ignored by my husband. But in other families this may not be the case. A lot of these girls come from poor backgrounds and are very ambitious a lot of them will actually resent you for what you have. I hope you may be luckier than me and one can not generalise but if you do open your door to a live in Au Pair, please be very careful.hmm

I'm afraid I'm always a bit suspicious of people who have countless terrible au pair experiences. I was an au pair twice in Germany in my early twenties, as was my sister in Spain, and we both still keep in touch with those families. I met lots of other au pairs, and most of them were lovely girls who cared a lot about the children and worked hard - some had absolute nightmare families who really took the p!ss though!

I also know of other families with a succession of aupairs over a decade whereby the relationships all worked very well.

I appreciate an element of luck is involved. And there are horrors out there. I have been played out before. But at the same time, I also make sure that the aupairs' and my expectations line up and I spend A LOT of time in the selection process and in settling her in and making her feel at home and part of the family.

Sorry you had such a hard time.

I think that point about expectations is a good one blueshoes - some people expect too much from au pairs in my opinion. People seem to be suprised that teenagers sleep all day, eat a lot, lack initiative and motivation - that certainly sums up most 18 year olds I know! Au pairs aren't professional nannies or housekeepers. I'm sure many girls who have just left home expect to get the easy ride they had when their mum was looking after them too.

We've had one OK one, one disaster, and one fab one who we are still in touch with 2 years after she left.

We've also had one nanny disaster and one fab nanny.

And one nursery disaster and one fab nursery.

There's pro's and cons in all of them but I think it is down to expectations (on both sides) and - to an extent - luck.

I would say now that I am much better at sorting the wheat from the chaff, but it is a hard slog finding good people (and attracting the ones you like as inevitably there will be another 10 families chasign the good ones)

There's a huge amount of luck involved, but 1 in 40 is pretty bad odds!

I have had 5 au pairs - 2 fab, one good and 1 bad and 1 disastrous.

This is over about 3 years.

I am not quite sure whether I have the energy to replace my current one (she leaves in March). I'm sure I'd not continue for many years if I had such a bad experience as you.

I haven't had any resentment, or any trying in on with my husband. #The worst I have had is very inexperienced girls with no common sense who just want to party. But that is to be expected I think. I agree it depends what you expect from them.

yes, I've also had 1 very very good nanny, 1 bad nursery, 1 good/ok nursery. It is all a lottery really, whatever the childcare option.

I totally agree with everyone about expectations. Some people expect a nanny at an au pair price. It's a completely different ball game.

Issues will arise. Personally, I've learnt that HOW you deal with issues is one of the most important ingredients of making it work. They aren't mind readers; you need to communicate problems to them and give them a chance to sort it out. The onus is on both parties to make it work.

We've had quite a few au pairs that didn't work out, but they have all be very nice girls - just not up to the job.

I don't think anyone really knows what it will be like to stay with a strange family, and they can't know whether it's for them until they try it.

I think that mixing cleaning with childcare is a recipe for disaster.

If you want a cleaner, get a cleaner, and if you want a child carer, get a child carer.

my APs are responsible for childcare, tidying and only minimal cleaning (eg floor under table after lunch).

The husband/female au pair combination is always going to be a risk, imo.

Our statistics are 4 / 9 so far. But 4 of the disasters were recruited by my ex, with ulterior motives.

I should think most 18-24 year old girls wouldn't be too interested in 40 something fathers though!

nightynight - you can't leave it at that?!! spill!

lol brummie

if I can get my first novel published, the au pair sagas will be in the second. they are quite funny, but not at the time.

daisy - HA! au pairs are living proof that the average 18-22 year old girl is as nutty as a fruitcake. There is nothing some of them wont do!

Our last one was 24 and from Kenya, it was such a refreshing change to have a grown up woman in the house!

The key to expectations is that aupairs are basically unskilled labour - think of how you were at 19.

I pitch my expectations quite low and then put on more responsibilities when I get to know her and see where her skills lie.

Essential skills:
Able to take children on a walking school run alone and handle a buggy - non-negotiable.
Light cleaning and washing up of dishes.

Nice-to-have:
Change nappies or prepared to learn to change nappies (ds is 1)
Trustworthy and sensible enough to babysit
children for short periods alone at home
Ironing
Cooking (agree here that a lot cannot cook), ranging from chopping vegetables to boiling an egg to doing cakes to pasta to full on 3 course meals

Great:
Trustworthy and sensible enough to take children out alone for 1-2 hours
Drive on right hand side

One mum was unhappy with her aupair. When I asked, she said the aupair could not cook and knew nothing about changing nappies and she had to draft her mother to train the aupair for 2 months. I thought that was expecting too much of an aupair (cooking dinners) and the training bit is surely a given? We all have to take time to break in an aupair. Plus if you need an aupair to look after a baby, you really have to query what experience they have had ie not just holding their cousin's baby for 2 minutes before handing back to changing nappies, feeding, sole charge/babysitting for short periods, putting to bed.

Our new ap is certainly fine with light housework. OK, she's not doing everything exactly as I would, but why would she? Not even DH does, and he's lived with me for 7 years. She's good with the kids - i.e. she's cheerful with them, and makes an attempt to play with them. I don't expect her to know how to deal with them as well as I do, as I've had nearly 4 years 24/7 experience. Few ap's, even those with younger siblings (unless there is a significant age gap) will have this. But she seems willing to learn. I think that's the main thing.

Re cooking - she could cook simple things - has lived by herself with boyfriend before, but again, won't be able to cook 'my' meals, as I do them without recipes from practise. If we're happy to have 'her' version, then we'll be fine.

Give and take on both sides I think. OP - to have only had 1 good ap out of 40 is very unlucky.

media research on the cheap?

lol, bossy, it does have that feeling of dejavu ... perhaps PAULA45 can come back and elaborate

great minds think alike! Shall we feed her research and make up some stories I do wish they'd pay for media research on mumsnet and not sneak in through the back door.

Au pairs are not employee's a common misconception when parents who want cheap nannies.

Your legal obligation is to provide board and lodgings and pocket money in return for family intergration, culture, light household chores and to assist with childcare.

Typically 25 hours per week / 5 hours per day with pocket money up to £75 per week.

So if they want holiday its unpaid, as they have no employee rights, their not employed by you afterall!

Sorry this message should have been posted to the question further down, "how many days holiday do you give your au pair"

Didn't somebody recently point out that a similar post had been a media research fishing expedition on the qt? Think that was about nannies though.

wornoutmum, in Germany & Austria I am pretty sure it is in the official contract that your ap has to get 4 weeks paid hols.
I seem to remember it in the UK too?