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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Nanny looking for a new job without informing us

66 replies

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 10:25

Hi, just wanted some opinions on this...
Got a new nanny for our 2 children (both under 2). She started at the end of last year and told us she was looking for a long term job. This suited us. She has never raised any issues with us regarding the job and we thought everyone was happy.
However, we recently found out that she’s been looking for a new job behind our backs. Saying she’s available to start straight away. We have a contract with a 4 week notice period in place!
Is this a relatively common issue?
Not sure how to go about it all now.
We have as far as we are concerned been quite laid back employers and have sort of ‘left her to it’ - so am surprised this is happening so soon.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
ssd · 11/04/2021 11:03

How is it clear she doesn't do any of those things? As a nanny these things can be the straw that breaks the camels back..

Lindy2 · 11/04/2021 11:03

[quote Autumnsun1985]@Postapocalypticcowgirl
I think you have misunderstood. I meant why wouldn’t I mention I know she’s been looking?
Not her - of course I get that![/quote]
Because this immediately causes the potential for an awkward situation and you are much less likely to resolve any issues there may be.

"Put upon" means where you think you are leaving her to it but where she feels that you are taking no interest or responsibility for your children at all and leaving everything to her. Normally the parents are still involved in their children's day and activities to some extent even with a nanny.

She might feel uncomfortable raising that as an issue (if it is the issue) so it would be quite understandable as to why she hasn't said anything but is looking to leave instead.

ssd · 11/04/2021 11:05

@Autumnsun1985

She the children do like her, as do we. *@ssd* To answer your Q. We don’t ask for anything extra and she wouldn’t have any time to do anything else. The children are very young. We do always inform her if running late, but that hardly ever happens. The house is not tidy when we get back. So no! But I don’t mind because that’s impossible with a baby and toddler in tow. Why do you ask me if I think her job choice is beneath me? I suppose some people can act like that, but no, definitely not.
I was just asking based on my experiences. Maybe its worth sitting having a glass of wine and a chat then?
LawnFever · 11/04/2021 11:05

I wouldn’t tell my manager I was looking for a new job until I had an offer, being a nanny is no different at all.

Have you had any conversations with her since she started about how she feels it’s going, given her the opportunity to raise any concerns or queries? It would be normal in most new jobs to have that kind of chat with your employer after a couple of months settling in, could you do that if you haven’t already?

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:06

@brushlaptop
Thank you. Good advice. I think I will do that.
I would like to reiterate that I don’t begrudge her looking for a new job. I understand she can’t tell us. It’s more the fact she has always seemed happy, never raised any issues etc.
Haven’t set aside time for reviews etc, so that was probably a mistake.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/04/2021 11:09

It might just be that she wants to move area, or live out rather than in or vice versa, or she’s seen a job that pays more or has her preferred age child. There could be any number of reasons that are not your fault or that you can do anything about.

KingdomScrolls · 11/04/2021 11:09

Maybe two under two has turned out to be harder work than she thought. She might be looking for a job with older children

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:12

@KingdomScrolls
Yes, I am thinking this could be the issue. Perhaps she took the job because of little choice at present.
2 under 2 is very hard.

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 11/04/2021 11:12

I would like to reiterate that I don’t begrudge her looking for a new job. I understand she can’t tell us. It’s more the fact she has always seemed happy, never raised any issues etc.

Maybe there's something about the job she dislikes but you can't change - the age gap of the DC or her commute, etc.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 11/04/2021 11:13

The only thing is the ‘immediate start’ which implies that she would leave without giving notice (so not expecting a brilliant reference then?).

People can look and who ever tells their boss? Unless she was emigrating then she might give you the heads up, otherwise she is not obliged to tell you.

I’d have a chat with her - ask if she is happy or if there’s anything that she doesn’t like about the job that you could work on. Maybe mention that you know she’s looking - and start looking for yourself too.

Try not to take it personally.

Fourstonesmash · 11/04/2021 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bargebill19 · 11/04/2021 11:20

Are you sure it is her looking for a job and not someone else? Has someone confused you nanny with another person? Is it just malicious gossip?

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:20

@toffeebutterpopcorn
Quite. Would be stupid to tell your boss that you were looking.
@Fourstonesmash
Definitely looking now. I don’t really want to go into details, but that’s from more than one source

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Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:21

@Bargebill19
Yes 100%

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Pyewackect · 11/04/2021 11:23

I’d start looking for her replacement. We had three nannies. They kept having babies of their own.

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:27

@Pyewackect
That’s unlucky if 3 in a row!
Yes, will start looking.
Thanks for all the advice.
I didn’t, again naively, think that nannies wanted to be told what activities to do, have their days planned. And that if I didn’t do this, that this may imply I’m not interested. I most certainly am and was trying to not be a dictator. But perhaps have misread that. So thanks to those that pointed this out.

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katy1213 · 11/04/2021 11:37

Why on earth would she tell you she's looking for another job that she might not get? Would you this in your own job?
And if she does leave without notice - what are you going to do, sue her?

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 11:40

@katy1213
I think I’ve made it quite clear I don’t expect her to tell us.
No, I wouldn’t ‘sue’

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TillyTopper · 11/04/2021 11:40

Personally I'd try to preempt her leaving by sitting down with her and saying that now she's been here X months can you have a review of anything she wants to discuss etc. and go from there. I wouldn't tell her I now she's looking but I would give her the opportunity to share her feelings on how it's going and what, if anything, she isn't happy about.

Mygardenisnotperfect · 11/04/2021 12:19

OP you don’t sound like a harsh unreasonable taskmaster, but I would suggest that if she’s definitely very actively looking rather than just idly wondering what else might be out there for the future, and saying she is available without notice that she has clearly decided at this stage that the job with you is not for her for whatever reason to the point that she would be prepared to leave without a good reference.

So in your shoes (assuming it’s not obvious to anyone with half a brain cell why she wants to leave as you’re such an unreasonable dragon!! Which doesn’t sound the case! But in that case this advice will not work...) I don’t think you have much to lose by broaching the issue. I would sit down with her with a glass of wine and say in a non confrontational manner that you’ve become aware she is looking elsewhere which you understand she is totally within her rights to do at the end of the day. However as she had said she wanted a long term opportunity and you and the kids are really happy with how things are working out from your end, and you value her as an employee, you’re a bit confused that she seems to be thinking of leaving you so soon, and worried that she is unhappy, that you care about her wellbeing as she’s looking after your children and doing a really important thing as far as you’re concerned. That you wonder if she’s unhappy about some aspect of her job that could perhaps be adjusted to suit her better, if you know what’s going on. Maybe you agreeing to pay for the odd outing for her and the kids or the odd afternoon off now and again when you can manage it around work or something is all she’s really after and something you could reasonable easily give her. Nannies talk a lot to each other and small differences in what employers do for then can make a big difference to them I think.

You did say you would have expected her to raise any concerns or problems, but I’m not sure you are totally realising the power dynamic that is there in a relationship where you are basically her boss. I wouldn’t go running to my boss with every little thing I’m unhappy about in my job, particularly things that it is probably not in his power to “fix” (such as the salary he is able and willing to offer me for example, or things that fall well within the official job remit for this job which I’ve now realised I hate and there are other roles elsewhere where I don’t have to do that particular thing) or things that he doesn’t see as a problem (and/or in fact benefit him hugely at my expense) but are for me. Those are difficult conversations to have especially if you’re not a naturally confident person or are particularly economically (or otherwise like for a visa etc) vulnerable and at the mercy of your employer to some degree. You are not equals in terms of the power you hold (although nannies obviously do hold quite a bit of power compared to other employer employee relationships as having decent childcare in place is pretty crucial!), so it’s not just as simple as you’ll tell her if you are unhappy with certain things and she should tell you no matter how much you might want that to be the case.

Anyway just my two cents. If you’re happy with her I think it’s well worth finding out what’s not working for her to see if you can come to a new arrangement that she’d be happier with. I’m not sure I’d bring up the notice thing at this stage as it’s likely to just cause conflict in that discussion. Obviously depending how that chat goes if she is still dead set on leaving ASAP then within the next few days I’d be having another chat with her saying that you understand she wants to leave, it’s unfortunate as you were very happy with her and the children were settled with her, but fair enough if she’s leaving, and you’ll keep her on til she finds what she’s looking for, only please remember you do need and expect and she agreed to 4 weeks notice which is only fair for you as you’ll be left in the lurch childcare wise otherwise. If she says she isn’t going to be able to stick to that then I think I would say in that case you’re giving her her notice now so that you can plan accordingly and not be left feeling like a childcare crisis could descend on you any second. And if she says she will stick to the contract she’s already signed about that and ultimately doesn’t then she’s just a shit person and there is nothing you could do or say to stop her acting completely selfishly. And yeah not a lot you can do although I don’t know how you pay her and maybe I’m a heartless bitch but I’d definitely be thinking if I pay at the end of each month of withholding the last month (or at least some of it) if she leaves without notice for the inconvenience unless she has a very good reason...

I’ve never been financially well off enough to have a proper nanny but I did have a few au pairs when my child was younger and one worked out amazingly for many years, one not so much but nobody’s fault and they acted fairly sticking to notice etc as actively cared about not leaving me in the lurch but just couldn’t cope with homesickness etc. and one was just a selfish person who in hindsight clearly just cynically used me and my child as a “stepping stone” to come to the UK at a time that suited her and a location close to but not quite where she wanted to be, so that she could look for a better opportunity immediately when here in the location that she wanted to be in and with a family who could afford to offer well above the usual pay and conditions most au pairs have and what I could afford to offer her. She quit less than a month in and with no notice, saying she was homesick but I found out that she didn’t go back home but on to this new opportunity locally she had scouted our behind my back. It was a really shit feeling and upset me a lot and she completely left me in the lurch with a serious childcare crisis on my hands as a single parent to the point I had to take time off work at short notice as a GP to try and solve it.

Autumnsun1985 · 11/04/2021 12:28

@Mygardenisnotperfect
Thank you SO much for your post. It’s been so helpful for me to read, so I appreciate the time it must have taken you to write it.
I agree with everything you say and will approach it like this.
I also agree with you about the power dynamic. I hadn’t ever thought of this issue if I’m honest. I’m from a pretty humble background, so as not to go into too much detail, I want to say that that has been a very helpful thing for you to point out.
Thanks again

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underneaththeash · 11/04/2021 18:50

She's obviously not going to tell you she's looking and maybe the reasons she's leaving are not changeable, it could be lots of things - shorter hours, older children, a shorter commute.

However, you have every right legally to hold her to her notice period - that's the point of a contract. Especially if she wants a good reference.
Having said that = not tidying up at the end of the day would really piss me off - who wants to come home to a mess?

HavelockVetinari · 11/04/2021 18:58

Look for a new nanny immediately. If she's worked for you for less than 2 years you can dismiss her without a reason - after that you need to pay either redundancy or severance.

I know people say it's a person's right to look elsewhere, and that's true, but this is the person who looks after your most precious DC - you need someone trustworthy. If she's saying she can start immediately she's a liar. Get rid. I'd never allow someone like that sole charge of my DC.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 11/04/2021 19:30

I think you have nothing to lose by having a conversation. Not least because it might help you retain your next nanny if you can establish what the issue is.
I would be cross about the notice period though - it's not on to just leave someone in the lurch with childcare.

HalzTangz · 11/04/2021 19:39

@Autumnsun1985

I know she has to be happy. But she’s never mentioned any issues. That works both ways I would have thought.
Maybe instead of assuming she is happy because she hasn't said anything, sit her down for an appraisal type session and let her air any concerns she may have
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