Our first au pair starting in a week...andy advice or tips???

[granarybeck]

She is 23 and from Turkey. Any advice on settling her in/making her feel welcome, whilst at same time letting her know groundrules/what her duties will be??

Thanks

Gosh I never set limits on the phone. They use call18185.co.uk and it is .5p a minute so a 3 hour call is cheaper than me calling my dh for 10 minutes. I know I am generous but my bill is never more than £5 a month so I see it as a good incentive to reduce the homesickness.

I also always give a little cash bonus a week after they've arrived if they've performend well in the first week. Lets them know that if they keep up the good work, further bonuses could be forthcoming (but not to expect it all the time).

Blenchen, that is a lovely idea about her birthday, and the flowers, am making noteso fo all these tips so I remember. Is 18185 talktalk? That's who we're with, I'll look it up and see how much ours is for international calls.

Having a trip to Ikea tonight (exciting Friday night!) to get last bits for her room ready.

The flowers and cards are always appreciated at the beginning. I even get the dc to paint a welcome poster! 1 AP had that stuck on her wall for the entire time she was here! I make a big fuss of them on birthdays, pressies, the boys make a cake and we usually go for dinner (pizza express or the like) or to the cinema. It definitely makes them feel they're more part of the family. We do the same at Christmas. Last year we had a pretend Xmas day the Sunday before AP left as she'd never had English Xmas dinner! I think she ate a whole xmas pudding...but both AP and the kids loved it and it really wasn't that much effort, just a small turkey, a few crackers and the pud!

Thanks Ingles, these are just the kind of things I was hoping to find out, to balance the employer side of things. I'm not sure yet whether the ap will be with us for xmas or not.

The best way to settle in your au pair is to be hospitable and just carry on the family routine as usual so they get used to it. I find that if you manage to have an overlap between 2 au pairs this is always very much appreciated. Making us some sort of contract laying out their duties and responsibilities and visa versa helps to set limits.
I dont set any limits on phone usage. I provide the ap's with an old mobile of ours that has a pay as you go SIM-card. (I think Weegle that's what people mean when they say own phone). They are responsible for topping it up and use their pocket money for that. They tend to use that phone to keep in touch with any friends they've made here and to text their friends at home. We have onetel as I phone Belgium often, so the au pair phones home on that. We do make it clear that we don't mind them phoning home to landline numbers (4p/min) but that if they phone a mobile they'll have to pay for it themselves (15p/min). They are always very good and usually have some sort of arrangement where they phone their parents 1 day set day a week. None of them has EVER phoned their friends and we've been having ap's for over 3 years now. They tend to use the internet for that. As we have broadband internet usage hasn't been a problem so far. They tend to come off as soon as we say we need it.
Oh and our au pair has her own washbasin as well. I don't think that's all that strange. A long time ago I was an au pair myself and I had my own bathroom and car and that was nothing compared to some girls (who lived in the poolhouse and the like!!)

Ingles, we do the same for birthdays adn x-mas. One of our girls' dad was Jehova's witness and had never had a b'day cake in her life (even thought she wasn't JW), so I bought her one and put candles on it and we all sang happy birhtday. She was so happy.
I also take them on at least one sightseeing trip in the first few weeks, to show them the area and to let them enjoy the local sights.
I always treat my ap's as a friend, rather than an employee, as that's how my own host family treated me and I find that creates the right atmosphere in the house. After all au pair means equal and that's how you should treat them: as equals.

out of interest, do you pay for everything if they accompany you (not working) on family outings, holidays, meals out, trips to local coffee shop, etc?

Yes, I pay. She is to be treated as family and clearly I pay for my own children when we go out/away.

AP being Turkish, have you checked whether she is Muslim/eats pork?

that's what I started doing (we took her on holiday with us, meals, etc) then she started planning trips that me and her and the kids could do together, and started inviting me to breakfast at her favourite cafe knowing I'd be paying for her.

Sorry I should have been clearer - the 1.5 hour limit is landlines only. And with 18866 it really is a pittance to alleviate homesickness - another benefit for us.

We include her on most trips as a family, and yes we pay. But if she arranged something (which she hasn't) then it would be my prerogative to say no. She also is very aware that money doesn't grow on trees in this household. Maybe au pairs in bigger/more luxurious houses sense that money isn't an issue and are therefore more liable to take liberties?

I had au pairs as a child. Something like 12 in all. The ones who were the best from a child's point of view were by far and away the ones who felt at home and part of the family. I aim to enable that to happen now I have au pairs for my own child. Ours had her birthday last weekend so she had a special breakfast, day out, pressies and dinner with cake - same as I would do for any one else I had in my home on their birthday.

Also i guess you hold the reins fairly tight at the beginning until you get a feel for how they are. By nature, the girl we have has clearly been set boundaries at home and respects me and my family, therfore I'm happy to have her around at weekends etc and happy to do things like her birthday celebration. If she was the type to take the pee then obviously I wouldn't be like that, but then I'm guessing that arrangement would be short lived as it wouldn't be helping me out in the way I need.

I suppose it is up to you to follow her suggestion or not?

I was working at the time so only around at the weekend, holidays. And it was always seen as a treat. Maybe I was just lucky with my APs?

belgianchocolates, we once had an application from an AP who sent us a questionnaire to fill in, including things like "will I have my own bathroom?"
We didn't return it and speedily crossed her off the list, I'm afraid! I also avoid the ones who put that their hobby is riding or skiing, because I fear they will not be happy slumming it with us.

We aren't that well off. But some of our APs come from fairly poor backgrounds too, and are delighted just to have their own room with TV. (I am currently sharing with dd2, and would be delighted to have my own room as well, lol).

Beinchen, good point, I had meant to ask her about diet. I think under religion in her initial details it said Islam. I will check with her before she arrives whether she eats Halal meat. Dh and I are going to put together some info tonight to send her before she arrives. We'd sent her a typical schedule etc at interview stage so she knew what she was accepting, but will send more details of actual weekly plan/duties and some of the houserules suggested here.

Yes, I guess a lot must depend on the personality/nature of each au pair.

yes,we pay but tbh after a couple of months she doesn't have time to come out with us anymore...she's far too busy with her extremely active social life! Which comes back to babysitting. Fri night is babysitting night here, if there is something she wants to do that night she needs to swop it for the Sat night, otherwise I'm not joking there would be no time for her to babysit! So set a night and stick to it! Oh..and food! Hygiene and safety,..for the first time I've got an AP who is not very good at cooking, especially meat. She had food poisoning last week from cooking at her friends! We are now telling her exactly how long meat should be cooked for, check it's hot, check for blood etc. Don't use the same chopping board etc. By the way she's German and thought our sausages needed cooking for 5 mins! There is a good site here www.eatwell.gov.uk/keepingfoodsafe/cooking/

Thanks, Ingles, that's a really good site to give her to look at. Does your au pair just cook the children a tea or does she sometimes prepare food for family meal?

She just cooks for herself and the kids, but I leave instructions as to what they are having and how to cook it,..otherwise I think she would give them chips every night! If I'm here I always cook and quite frequently I try and make food she just needs to reheat (properly I hope!) like spag bol, & shepherds pie

Oh yeah,...tell her she eats with kids unless you would like her to eat with you & DH every night!

Granarybeck - its here nothing to do with talk talk I'm afraid (I have a BT line). Oh and don't worry about the trip to Ikea - I've done it with all previous APs and the stuff I buy for them ends up being put away in a cupboard or dies (plants!!). Yes even when they accompanied me to buy it.

Weegle - Belgium is currently 1p a minute with 18185. I used to be with 18866 but changed over to 18185 as it was a lot cheaper (Janh on mumsnet told me!). Really really quick and easy to change over.

Wow just had a look at their website, they are very cheap. Need to look into how simple it is if not a BT customer. Thanks

Ingles, I think that is what I will try and do if the children aren't eatin with us, I do like to know and choose just what they are eating. Though at the moment the children do usually eat with us.

MrsRecycle, signed up for 18185, thanks, can't believe is so cheap. It's nice not to have to worry about phone use too much now, I could imagine it being ablt to become a real area of tension but can see is good to allay homesickeness.

thanks MrsRecycle but our au pair is German which is 2p per min with 18866 rather than 3p per min with 18185 so sticking with it for the mo but will keep an eye because they seem to change regularly.

Ok this message comes a bit late, but just in case anyone thought I was rich: I spent 2.5 years sharing my room with dd so the ap could have her own room. During that time we built an extension (all by my dp's own hands) so because it was an addition and was going to be the ap's room we added a washbasin and shower as I was fed up having to queue at the bathroom in the morning and there was some space for that anyway.
I'll have to have a look at 18185: 1p/min for Belgium is peanuts.
There are some amazing requests from ap's when you look on au pair world btw. I remember seeing one that asked for a family with room for her horse!

Hi, I au paired twice when 18 and then 22, in US and Luxembourg respectively and I have to be honest and say I was a different person the second job - the kid bit was never a problem but I didn't know how to cope with working for a single parent family initially.
I always had my own room and the phone bill was itemised, the boss and I would go through bill together when it arrived, agree amount talked (weeks!) and then he'd take it off my cash.
I was allowed to use the family car in the evening as long as they knew where I was going and was back before midnight. This was wierd as my parents had never given me a curfew but I got used to it. In the states I had my own car and took the kids out, in Luxembourg I didn't and felt really trapped and cabin fever-y living in VERY small village and not speaking Luxemburgish. That was where it went wrong after 18months as I was out 6 out of 7 nights a week, even though the kids parents were great. I don't know how it fits around your work but its has to be better for the kids if they can get out to toddler groups at least occasionally, and car is much easier than bus in this country.
The family member/employee balance is hard to predict but I agree with everyone here who has said its easier to start tough and relax as you get used to each other rather than the other way round.
Weegle - definately give them time to get used to the kids without you, as kids are always different when parents are home. I used to dread their Dad finishing work early as it didn't mean I finished early, just had to work around him sat watching TV and the boys playing up [frustrated face].
Taking AP out for pub lunch or similar with family is a nice way to involve them. As for family meals, I don't know if you eat with your children but in Lux the adults ate later and I was always welcome to join them, if I liked what they were having, if not there was always plenty in the freezer.
If in doubt SAY SOMETHING. They can't read your mind and what may be normal in Turkey might not be what you want for your kids.
Nightynight, an AP friend in the States had her own phone in her room and the whole bill was up to her - line rental and the works, at least I only paid for my calls.
Both families/jobs let me have people to stay (cheap holiday abroad!) but this is totally up to you, depends how you feel about her, but don't be surprised if it gets mentioned
Sorry to go on about it, can't think of anything more for now.
Good luck