Our first au pair starting in a week...andy advice or tips???

[granarybeck]

She is 23 and from Turkey. Any advice on settling her in/making her feel welcome, whilst at same time letting her know groundrules/what her duties will be??

Thanks

anyone??

Does she not know what her duties are already?

Yes, she does, I guess. But only in theory, rather than the reality. Sorry, I know it was a bit of a silly question. I'm just concious of wanting to be nice to her and it all being new and strange for her but yet hear lots of tales on here of it being important to be clear and set groundrules down from start. Think I'm just panicing as all new to us and really want it to work.

You don't have to be nice to her, as in a friend. You are her boss. Write down what you would like her to do, and when, so you have a clear idea in your head. (That sounds awful but I am sure you know what I mean.)

Actually, I used to au pair in Belgium and had been there 5 weeks before the Mother asked me to clean the house. I didn't know that was my job, so yes, make it clear what her duties are.

Hi Granary. Our Turkish au pair arrived last night. On her profile form sent to me by the agency the Satisfactory box was ticked for Level of English.It is almost non-existant!!For god's sake make sure you really honestly know what her English is like. I think we'll be fine but it has been a truly exhausting day and unless you speak some Turkish it is hard to find a common language link and when she doesn't even understand what you mean when you say OK or would you like or do you want, it becomes really quite hard to know how to go on from there!! I'm looking at it as a challenge, but I have had au pairs before.

cloudberry, that does sound a challenge. When I spoke to her on the phone for an interview her English seemed okay, but not fantastic. I am imagining we'll have a few challenges with understanding.

Nab3, I think that's what seems tricky to me, to welcome someone into our house and treat her as an employee not a friend. I know you are right though.

Cloudberry - oh no Hope she's a quick learner!

I've 'borrowed' a few sets of house rules and duties from various people here and from past threads. I've typed up my own list, and will email this to the aupair before she arrives, and give her a copy to keep when she gets here. Hopefully this will show her what I expect, and we'll get along OK

Laura, are you waiting for yours to arrive? Did you email the list just before she arrived? Is it mainly houserules or duties too?

granarybeck, we went way, way too far down the friendship route and it was a big mistake. we're 3 months in and trying to get things back on track.

au pairs are supposed to be treated as one of the family, so it is very difficult to get the balance right.

will have a think about some of the things we did wrong and post tomorrow as have to disappear now.

Thanks Brummie, that would be really helpful.

I've had a few au pairs and they have proved to be a great help, on the other hand living with someone who works for you is tricky. I found the best way was to write out a timetable, telling them what times of the day I expected them to work for me and what I wanted them to do during those times - a bit like a school timetable. That way they knew when their free time was and were able to take extra jobs like babysitting or doing cleaning for other families in the area. This encouraged them to get out of the house and to create a bit more independance for themselves - BONUS.

She's arriving on the 18th. I've emailed her the list already. I've done two separate documents for duties and rules. I've done exactly what minki.. suggests, and put it down very precisely. That way hopefully there will be no confusion. I'm not asking a lot (I hope), and it's a mix of childcare (whilst I'm in the house cooking etc) and housework, so hopefully nothing too arduous.

Hi ...
Hijack...Cloud I was looking for you, wondering how your new AP was...So the English is not so good, but she'll pick it up quick. My friend draws her AP (v.poor english) a pic. list, you know a hoover, a mop seems mad but works. Does she seem friendly to the kids though?

I always take mine out for a meal the first night they are with us. It always seems to clear the air with them (assuming they understand English!!).

As promised, a list of my complete cock-ups! And here's what I'll do next time (if i have an au pair again)

Duties: I'll ask for more than I think I'll need. I didn't want housework done as part of the 'job' initially, but now find the kids' schedules mean there are 90 mins where she effectively does bugger all because they're asleep. Backtracking on 'no housework needed' is difficult.

Respect for 'my' time: I have been really careful not to intrude on her personal time. e.g. I don't ask for her to be up at the crack of dawn to assist with school run if she is working in the afternoon. I think, in her mind, this translated into her time being more important than my time and so social engagements soon started to cut into her work hours.

Food: I will NOT be as accommodating. I assumed someone who wasn't fussy about food would be a dream. She loved vegetables, spices, stir fries.

Had not anticipated her adopting a no-carb diet and refusal to touch any pasta, rice, potatoes, root veg and dismissal of anything other than fish or lean (white) meat. (We normally eat pretty low carb, but food bills were astronomical initially).

We now cook what we would normally cook, it's all fresh, healthy and well-balanced, and she eats it or leaves it.

Oh, and accept you may be used as an eat-as-much-as-you-can buffet.

Kids activities: unless they've worked in a nursery environment they may be clueless about what activities to do with the kids if they are stuck at home. If you don't want the TV on, say so and draw up a list of suggested activities.

Recycling / energy conservation, etc: ours wouldn't use the washing line in the height of summer, tumble dryer was on constantly. 30 minute showers...we're on a water meter. A young girl has no idea about cost of living or environmental issues (unless they are north european) so you'll have to explain.

Pay - she'll talk to other nannies about pay, and may feel she's being ripped off/exploited. Be clear in your own mind what the difference between an au pair and a nanny is.

Babysitting - schedule your day(s) otherwise they may disappear when her social life hots up. It's a pain in the arse having to go cap in hand to your au pair and ask if you can go out tonight.

hmmm, I actually quite like that my au pair feels like a friend helping out and she feels comfortable and part of the family. But maybe I am very fortunate in that the 8 weeks she has been here so far she has not once taken liberties, has always done her duties and more. I want her to be like a big sis to my DS rather than just an employee and I want to feel comfortable in my own home, and feel she needs to feel comfortable for that to work.

I was v clear at the outset with a list of house rules which included things like: if you're the last to bed switch of lights, shut in cats etc. How long on the phone allowed. Internet access etc. I also wrote what hours I expected her to work each day and what jobs I wanted done each day on top of regular daily tasks. I then spent the first two days SHOWING her how I liked the hoovering done, how I liked the bathroom cleaned etc etc. All babysitting goes on the kitchen calendar. If it's not marked on the calendar that she is out then it's free for me to book for babysitting. This system works perfectly.

I found it was important early on to let her and DS have some time without me there (so I would be upstairs) for DS to get used to her and accept her. It was hard on both of them for the first few weeks but it definitely helped by giving them some time alone to develop a relationship. Now it's no issue if we're both in the room whereas before he would cling to me and refuse to go to the au pair.

Good luck, I was so nervous to begin with but it has worked out brilliantly.

Loads of fantastic tip thank you. Brummie, thank you for all your experiences, that is so useful, they are some of thingd you don't automatically think of.

Weegle, that is a great set up for agreeing babysitting nights or I can imagining ending up feeling cheecky asking her.

Sorry, cheeky not cheecky!!

I share Weegle's experience, the best AP's are the ones with natural retenue, who don't take liberties.
My last one was Kenyan, she was great and got this just right - she didn't hesitate to what she felt was her right, but she didn't take liberties either (well, only a couple of times). I think I would pretty quickly get rid of an AP who took the piss.

Another tip: be scrupulous about passing on AP's phone messages, or fetching them to the phone if someone calls. Apparently many families dont do this, but expect the AP to proved THEM with a flawless telephone answering service when they are out. IME, it's a cheap and easy way to make your AP feel valued.

Thanks, good advice nightynight. About the phone, do you allow your au pairs to us eyour phone to make international calls home? I guess you must, do you place any limits?

IMHO be very clear about the phone. We had a male AP this summer who thought nothing of spending hours on the phone every night. If I told him to get of the phone, he would immediately get them to phone him back and be on it for another couple of hours. It got to the point I'd SHOUT at him to get of the phone and he still wouldn't!
I would seriously recommend getting skype. It has changed my life! Ap now phones home once in a blue moon for a birthday or something but otherwise skypes

I couldnt get skype for my last AP, as they didnt have internet at home. It is a good idea though.

I havent really solved the phone issue. With one AP, she used an access code, and I used different one, so that I could see clearly on the bill which were her calls - but she was very honest, it was open to abuse.

With my last AP, she used prepay cards, which are supposed to be free if used on a landline. She was pretty scrupulous about this.

One of my printed rules from the start was she is allowed to make 1.5 hours of phonecalls per week. We have 18866 so this isn't too expensive. She sticks to this (we have checked as we have itemised billing). On the few occasions we have needed the phone when she has been on it, we have written a note to show her we need the phone and she's finished up pronto. She also knows that Sunday night is when DH makes all his phonecalls so doesn't take up the phone then. But she has unlimited internet access so this also helps.

hmm. what if she calls mobile phones though?
1,5 hours could work out expensive?
It sounds a good idea though - I might adjust the pocket money down a bit (it is well over normal rate) and offer the phone instead.

Ive just been looking at other families on Au Pair World, and noticed one who were offering their AP a room with TV, washbasin and own telephone! Wonder if the bill is in her name too?

Couple of other ideas.

Make a note of her birthday and celebrate it a bit.

Buy her some flowers about a week after she has arrived to show her she is appreciated.

Book any babysitting in advance as you would otherwise. I know of parents who have rung au pair when she was out with friends and asked her to return to the house to babysit so they could go for a meal. Very rude imo and noit good for a relationship.

Sit down for a chat a few weeks after her arrival and have a chat about what she/you like/dislike and how to adjust.

Mini firstaid kit for handbag/rucksack for when she's out with the children.