View from other nanny employers wanted.....AIBU re:playdates

[WannaBeAYummyMummy]

I don't know whether I am being a bit paranoid/reactionary/silly so would appreciate any honest opinions please....

I happened to meet one of my nanny's good friends over the weekend who she sees (with my child) at least once a week. About once a month my nanny hosts a playdate for this nanny (and her two charges) in our house (the rest of the time they meet up in other locations).

When speaking to the "friend" nanny a couple of things came out that I am a bit uncomfortable with, for example:

a) she was being very indiscreet and gossipy, bordering on rude, about her own employer
b) she told me she thought that I should move my microwave as it was in an inconveninet position for her to use...
c) she mentioned that she had seen some weightwatchers stuff in my cupboard and how was I getting on with the diet (this is a cupboard she had no legitimate business being in as all my child's food is in one cupboard)

...there where other things although they were all similarly minor...

So, I'm left feeling a bit funny about her being in my house and am thinking about saying to my nanny that I don't want her to come round anymore. I just feel like it is a total invasion of my privacy, that will subsequently be gossiped about/speculated upon, that I don't really want. (For the record I don't feel like this at all about my own nanny... I trust her discretion and general attitude to being in somebody else's house 100%). I guess, I just didn't really like her at all and I feel really uncomfortable about her being in my house - whether I am there or not.....

However, I don't want to make things awkward for my nanny at all. The other nanny has 2 charges who are similar in age to my own toddler and it is good for him to mix with them - I just don't think I want it to happen in my house!

Am I being an idiot?

wannabyayummymummy,

I'm afraid its human nature to gossip about our employers and nannies are human too. I have au-pairs and, although I don't like it, I'm quite sure that they gossip, compare rates of pay, bitch about their employers clothes etc etc etc.

HOWEVER, she shouldn't be looking in your cupboards - she sounds a right nosy parker and commenting on ww. products and how your diet is going is unbelievably rude.

Don't ban her from your home but tell your nanny what she said to you and see what her response is.

By the way, I also expect that my au-pair and her friends read mumsnet avidly. Be careful what you say.

Thanks for taking the time to reply NT.

You've helped me understand the underlying problem a bit more actually - as I really don't have a problem with gossiping generally and, actually, fnd it quite funny to speculate with my husbance what our nanny must think of the two mad people she works for.

It's actually more that I didn't warm to her at all and, under normal circumstances if it was me meeting her as a potential "play-dater", she wouldn't be someone I would invite in to my house. Which makes it a bit more of a question about whether I should ignore that instinct because my nanny feels differently....

WBAYM x

Have a little chat about the problem with your own nanny. She really should'nt allow people to nose through your cupboards - this is the exact reason why I don't allow my au-pairs to have people round when I'm not there.

If you still don't get a satisfactory response, then you'll just have to give them the money to have playdates at soft play or something. But it is so nice for children to have their friends round to play in their own homes.

Are you sure it's an uneasy instinct you have, or did she just get your back up with her cheeky comments which made you dislike her at once - ask yourself. Cause if its just cheekiness and my kids were happy, I'd be inclined to give her another chance.

Difficult and I havn't been much help, sorry.

I think the FN ("friend" nanny) is a bit of a nosey cow. Even if she opened a upboars say looking for a bowl for your nanny and saw some weight watchers, why would she think that was an appropriate conversation to stike up with you? Bit weird.

But... I would go telling my nanny who she could or couldn't hang out with because they are nosey and I find them irritating. Your nanny won't always choose to hang out with the same people you like to hang out with and you probably wouldn't want her to. I don't really want to share friends with my nanny. There is if course some overlap in the mums at the school gate. She sees them at school. And I see them at church and in the evening. But, for the most part, she choose whom she likes to hang out with and I chose whom I would like to hang out with within reason of course. If she had a nanny friend who drank vodka for lunch I'd of course step in.

You could, however, remind your nanny that she is reponsible for the behaviour of her guests in your home when you are not there. "Please don't let people nose around my cupboards. I don't really like to discuss personal things like my diet with people I hardly know."

Sorry

But... I wouldn't go telling my nanny who she could or couldn't hang out with...

Thanks NT/Eleusis.

I definitely wouldn't tell her who she should/shouldn't hang out with - I couldn't give a monkeys who they see at the park/museum/softplay etc (well - within reason). It's just the bringing them into my house - especially as she isn't a live-in, so I don't see it as an extension of her house IYSWIM.

Anyway, I'm going to have a chat with my nanny tonight and see what she has to say...

Thanks for your comments - I just wanted a bit of a sanity check to make sure that it was okay to think she was a bit of a cheeky/nosey mare.....

Actually she just sounds like someone who talks before she thinks - the microwave comment, for instance. Silly person!

If you trust your nanny, then I wouldn't even bring this up with her, to be honest. These things would only bother me if somehow the friendship between your child & the other nanny's charges meant that you yourself have to spend time with the other nanny (rather than it all being done between the nannies).

The other thing is that I suspect if you did discuss it with your nanny it's ten to one what you say to your nanny somehow gets known by this other nanny, & then there might be an Atmosphere next time you run into her. Which is a waste of your emotional energy.

Have found that often nannies tend to hang out with other nannies who have children of a similar age who are not necessarily people they woud befriend out of work if you see what I mean so I think if your child enjoys playing with her charges I would let it go despite the nosiness/gossip. of course if you found out she was hanging out at your place every day you might be tempted to say something but once a month-does it really matter that you don't like her??

Thanks all. Always good to get a bit of perspective on these things....

Have had a VERY low key chat with my nanny about this and made her very subtly aware of my feelings...I think this will achieve what I want it to i.e. a very gentle prompt to keep a bit of a closer eye on her.

And of course, you're right LadyG, absolutely no point getting my knickers in a twist about her coming here maybe 12-15 times a year...

Thank you assembled wise minds of MN!

LadyG

I know what you are trying to say...

but all of my nanny friends i consider to be great friends with in and outside fo work

have some nanny 'auqaintances' that i dont see that often with OR without the children

I cant believe your nannys friend commented on a WW product..... HOW RUDE

but sort of on the same lines... one of my best friends and best nanny friend; our 2 year old charges ARE best friends, and i see her at least twice a week, sometimes 3 or 4 times... + my charge has a 'room' / highchair in his house and vice versa...

what i mean is when the cleaner moved the potatoe masher i had her (my nanny friend) searching through their kitchen TWICE as i just could not find it (and nor could she)... told my bosses how i had asked her to hunt through the kitchen and look everywhere, and they didnt mind... or bat and eyelid....
(she was also presnet when potatoe masher was found and my bosses were laughing that I hadnt found it and i said well nor had 'nannyfriend' and we had both looked as hard as each other)

but then they know her very well, im sure they would happily employer her as their nanny, trust her completely with their children, and she laughs and jokes with my bosses as much as i do, so i guess maybe it is different, but on the same note my nanny friend has searched through my bosses kitchen.... and my bosses dint mind

(we both know our way backwards around each others work kitchens (and infact most of the whole homes) anyway!)

(ofcourse she didnt comment on the content of the cupbaords, but then nor would she! + i dont think there is anything worth commenting on in their cupboards... normal food etc!)