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Original poster

AU Pair, coming home drunk 10 am, and late night etiquette

37 replies

ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 19:33

What is your experience opinion about the above?

I know she is a grown up at 20, but she also lives within another family unit (through choice).

I dont find it acceptable to come in drunk after partying at 10 am, leave the key in the outside of the door, and stagger to bed while my kids are watching and querying what is happening.

I dont find it acceptable to just leave the house at half past midnight, just saying, I need some air, and not be back until 4 am, as she is going to a club suddenly.

I think it decent to say "I am going out to meet a friend, I will be late". Or send a text if not coming home at all.

We live in London. The area is not so safe at night. One woman was robbed at gunpoint half a kilometer away, another was killed infront of her toddler a few years ago. Ok, it is rare, but it happens, and she is walking drunk out till early hours.

It is actually adding to my worries, as I dont want to be concerned with her on top of everything, she is here as a "stressbusting measure", not to add to it. Am I irresonable?

Opinions?

OP posts:
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NAB3 · 28/10/2007 19:44

Talk to her. Completely out of order.

I used to be an au pair and this would not have been tolerated. This woman is meant to be helping with your children. Tell her it must not happen again or she is out.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 28/10/2007 19:49

Out of order. And it would make me question her judgement generally, tbh

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 20:35

Thanks, I just wanted to know I was not a prudish old so and so for not finding this reasonable.

I shall have a talk with her.

I told my husband, he went livid (he is abroad at the moment)

Think I might look for a child minder, or a part time nanny instead.

OP posts:
sKerryMum · 28/10/2007 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bossybritches · 28/10/2007 21:31

YANBU AT ALL!!!!

Get rid-there are plenty more needing jobs out there-get a nice Polish girl!

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 21:35

She is the first non-polish girl I have had. Never had problems with clubbing and drinking before....

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 21:41

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 21:45

MotherFunk, I have never had this sort of issue in my house before. I am posting to get feedback and thoughts on how to handle it, and I thank you for your contribution. Suggesting NOT having live in help is not very helpful, as sadly I am in a position where I need it. But how do I explain a raving drunk to my kids?

Last year we had 8 break-ins in the neighbourhood between October and January, leaving the key on the outside because you are too drunk to realize is a safety issue.

OP posts:
colditz · 28/10/2007 21:48

If it is affecting the care of your children or the security of your home, youhave a right to tell her off. But just because you don't approve of her behavior, - no, sorry, as long as she is not drunk or hungover while having the care of your children (and them merely being in the house with you too is not her having care) you don't have the right to complain about her going clubbing.

sKerryMum · 28/10/2007 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 21:49

Message withdrawn

colditz · 28/10/2007 21:49

You tell them she was drunk?

colditz · 28/10/2007 21:52

sKerrymum, Au Pairs are a grey area - they are supposed to be treated as a family member, they get pocket money, not wages, and it the time of her 'transgression, she wasn't even on duty.

You cannot ask for mature, responsible, thoughtful, humble, can work on own initiative, can take direction, hard working, low paid, youthful and that they live in your house without changing it in any way. It's not realistic.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 21:53

MotherFunk and Colditz, do I say I dont approve? My issue is that I would like to know if she is planning to stay out all night, or if she is going to be late for her safety. Should I be worried if I wake up and the morning and she is not there, or just assume she has gone home with somebody (considering she has only two friendsboth of whom live even further from Central London than we do)?

And I want to bring it up in such a way that I dont intrude on her.

But it does worry me, because now when she goes out I dont know when she will be back, if she is able to stay safe, as she has gigglingly told me about men chatting to her on buses, and "walking her home" to ensure she gets home ok. I am concerned for her lack of judgement. She is very pretty, and have had men follow her around museums and tried to kiss her.....

OP posts:
ingles2 · 28/10/2007 21:56

Hi...My Dh and I were just talking about this...I say no way,..he's says we did this at 20!
It's a difficult one, MF is right to an extent,..but then so are you. I think the sackable offence here is actually the key in the door.
So I would probably
Ask her to inform us whenever she intends to stay out all night.
Not come home at 10 drunk, either make sure she is in before kids get up or come home later when she is sober
Tell her again about the key, and say any breach of security is gross misconduct and sackable without warning.
Hope this helps

colditz · 28/10/2007 21:56

Eeek @weirdy men.

Can you tell her this, just tell her that the area is not safe and that it is very dangerous for her to walk home?

is she a country girl?

expatinscotland · 28/10/2007 21:59

she sounds like a drunk.

i'd get rid.

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:00

No she doesn't ...she sounds 20!!

ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:01

Where is she from Scary?

MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 22:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 22:02

I was the same her age, so I understand where she is coming from. Only, I was 21 when I moved to London and changed my drinking patters pretty quick as I did not feel as safe staggering home alone in the middle of the night.... Coming here actually sobered me up! She is from a pretty small town in the south of Norway.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 28/10/2007 22:02

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 28/10/2007 22:04

i was, too, a drunk.

leaving hte key in the door and letting weirdy men 'walk you home'?

more than once?

nah, not on.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 28/10/2007 22:06

MotherFunk, I am not going to impose boundaries on her. This is not about stopping her from going out and drinking. It is her life her choice. But I dont want to be the one to identify her at the morgue or inform her parents she is injured or worse, I care because that is the kind of person I am, and because she is overall a nice and responsible girl where the kids are concerned. I am not considerin getting rid. Not even for leaving the key in, heck, even I have done that once. I want to find a workable solution as to how to approach her about it, not because clubbing and drinking is not acceptable but staying safe is a must.

OP posts:
ingles2 · 28/10/2007 22:08

I think it's a change in culture and being on her own then scary,...lots of teens go a bit crazy for a while when they 1st get some freedom and money. I think you should sit her down and tell her all your concerns about her safety, explain that you are telling her for own good and not to limit her freedom and then explain she must respect your basic rules about coming in drunk and secuity.My AP disappeared for a weekend recently and was really shocked when I had a go at her and told her I'd worried all weekend. She knows now she has to send a quick text.

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