Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

feeling guilty about returning to work full time

17 replies

sheepgirl · 08/10/2007 20:52

dh and I worked out that we could have a baby and the house of our dreams if I returned to work full time. It has now come to the end of my ML and thsi idea was very easy to agree to before mtg my baby and creating a close attachment. I enjoy my work but don't have the same passion or love for it....my baby will always be my top priority now. I have a fab CM lined up and I am sure I will get use to full time work again but I just feel so guilty about the lack of time I will spend with baby. I keep thinking baby is more important then a nice house.

Has anybody else been through this

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
dmo · 08/10/2007 21:13

yes me
when mine were born you had 3 mths off work,
i was ready for a small break with my baby then back to work until he was born then i couldnt do it
was off work for 5 yrs (another son in that time) and i had to work nights, which was great for seeing the boys but not for seeing dh (he came in at 6 and i went out at 6.30)
so i went back to work during the day but the school hols were a nightmare so after 3 yrs i become a childminder

eleusis · 09/10/2007 10:28

Hang in there. Why don't you try and focus on the return to work and if after say 2 months of work if you have not gotten back into the swing of it, then reconsider your plan -- even if that means moving and reducing your hours. Or maybe it means a career change to something that is more family friendly (whatever that might be).

When I had DS I was gutted that I could only afford 3 months of maternity leave. I really wanted six. But, I found that staying home with them was more about housework and other thankless chores and less about bonding with me kids. So, after 3 months of leave I was ready to know down the door at the office to get back in. When I called IT to reactivate my account my first day back, they said "Oh I have a note here that you are on maternity leave for x more months". And I said, "Oh no I'm not. I assure you I am calling you from my desk."

You might find that you can find a happy balance between work and family and it might take a bit of getting used to. I know lots of people who are quite torn about going back but when they settle into the routine they are gladd to have work time and mummy time.

knackeredbutnice · 09/10/2007 12:44

i second eleusis on this one.
i have 2 kids, and both times i took 6 months off. we moved to a house we couldn't quite afford so to some extent the decision was made that i was going back to work but i'm sure if i really wanted to stay at home, then DH and I would have found ways to scale some of our dreams down.
But apart from a handful of wobbles(first day of work or when kids are not too well etc) i really am glad to be back at work. I feel i make the best contribution to my family in the best way i can - i.e. i try to spend as much mummy time with the kids (not whilst doing chores etc) AND i also get to fulfill some of DH's needs - ie.. alleviate some of the financial pressure of him and i do know we have more to talk about now i am back at work (in our specific case, i had very little to talk about with him whilst i was on ML as my brain turned to mush - not saying everyone's does, but mine did) AND i have "me" time too.
The key is to have childcare arrangements that you are very happy with. If that is good, then i think you are a long way down the road of finding the right balance (though it is a constant challenge).

sheepgirl · 09/10/2007 13:42

It has been made harder by the fact that my baby is so easy going. Not a scream all the time won't sleep time (which a lot fo my friends already on ML scared me witless about), so the whole experience has really been quite magical. I feel like I am now bursting that bubble and returning to an old life.

I guess maybe this is all anixety linked to the fact that I am now counting down the days before I go back (next Mon to be precise).

OP posts:
eleusis · 09/10/2007 14:05

I have a top tip for you. take a pic of the baby and put it in your drawer (not on top of your desk) so you can open the drawer and have a peek when you want to but she won't be sitting there staring you in the face making youfeel guilty when you were otherwise busy thinking of other things.

blueshoes · 09/10/2007 14:07

sheepgirl, I have 2 dcs, took one year off each time. The hardest adjustment was going back to work after my first one - the childcare arrangements, settling dd in, applying for flexible working.

Once I was back in the work saddle, I heaved a huge sigh of relief and never looked back.

My baby, unlike yours, was a high maintenance, non-sleeping baby with initial health problems. I really really bonded with her, being so long at home with her, day-and-night, 24 hours a day. I did not want to leave her. Yes, she is more important to me than work.

But every day I thank my stars I took that big step to go back to work, at the end of my maternity leave. Now I have the best of both worlds, children happily stimulated in a nursery, a life outside of children, money coming in, with independence and financial freedom that brings, financial security and a lovely home.

I would say, so long as your baby is happy, then keep that foot in the job market. Save as much money as you can, pay off that mortgage. You might find that your baby-turned-schoolage child needs you more when they are older. You have the flexibility then to downscale on the work front.

It is a long term game. Don't use all your cards at once. Your baby will still thrive. Obviously, if he/she does not, you can revisit it.

sheepgirl · 09/10/2007 14:12

I guess it doesn't help that all my friends are returning to work part time and all gasp when I tell them I am returning to work full time. I can see the bigger picture and know by doing so not only will we have the dream home we always wanted I can then think about no 2 sooner. All my friends feel I am insane and should just put it all on credit and live for the day as opposed to counting the pennies. My dh and I don't want a load of debt and would prefer to do things this way but I feel I am having to convince other people of that. It sometimes makes me feel like a bad mum for returning f/t.

OP posts:
knackeredbutnice · 09/10/2007 14:23

please tell me to go back in my box if i am speaking out of turn here but sometimes i feel that some mothers who are perfectly fine with the decision of going back to work feel more uneasy with their decision due to other people passing judgement whether directly or indirectly. it's difficult (i had a v smug SIL to deal with then (and now, actually ) but try not to let other people's judgement/comments affect what you and your DH think is what will be best for ALL of you. It's your family, your decision. As long as your children are thriving, then going back to work will hopefully be not as difficult as it first seems.

blueshoes · 09/10/2007 14:25

you don't have to convince me! What you are planning sounds eminently sensible. You have the shorter and longer term view in mind.

I must say I am in awe of women who work FT. I am a pt, close to ft-er.

The key is good childcare and back up. Hire the cleaners and help you need. Money is great, no really, and your child(ren) will still thrive. I get such comfort knowing that if dh should not be around for any reason, I can house and support my children on my own steam (on a smaller scale, of course). And they will have something to inherit. And we never have to discuss affordability or count pennies too much.

I think your choices start to really take root when your children are older. Hard to think of it though when they are ickle bickle babies.

eleusis · 09/10/2007 15:52

"i feel that some mothers who are perfectly fine with the decision of going back to work feel more uneasy with their decision due to other people passing judgement whether directly or indirectly"

I couldn't agree more.

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/10/2007 20:11

I agree with Eleusis. Oh yes. I always agree with Eleusis.

My last boss who said she thought women who worked full time when they had small children were a pain in the backside has just found out she is pregnant. Just when she had been offered her dream job too. Guess she'll find out what real life is like now...

sheepgirl · 09/10/2007 22:19

I just want to get my first week out of the way and I hope it will get easier after that. Although I have just agreed with my dh that for now he will be taking baba to CM in the morning...I think that will make the transition less painful. I think I would spend my first day at work in tears if I had to leave my baby upset!

OP posts:
eleusis · 10/10/2007 08:49

I think that is a great idea, sheepgirl. It will make the transition easier and it might be a good long term plan if he drops off and you pick up. That way each of you has flexibility at one end of the day.

CeciC · 10/10/2007 23:48

Hi Sheepgirl,
I too work full time, but I work two hours from home, so I can pick up DD1 from school.
I agree with the opinion about others making you feel bad because you going back to work f/t. Ater DD1 was born, all the mothers I have met at baby clubs, were either working p/t or not going back at work at all, and the coment when ask if I was going back to work, and I said, yes f/t was "oh no! what a shame!, so I end up not meeting those mothers, and just meeting with the ones that didn't judge my decision.
Good luck with your return to wokd next week, and be sure everything will be all right.

sheepgirl · 11/10/2007 20:13

I had my last settling in day with CM today and I have to say I am amazed how well it has gone. Today initially when the CM took my baby he cried but settled within seconds...I didn't even have time to leave! When i returned he didn't even look at me and carried on playing. All fab stuff. It was really lovely too that my CM said she would take photos and e-mail them to me at work

cecic I know what you mean but I lot of these mums are very nice people but I just get upset about judgemental people

OP posts:
TheDuchess · 11/10/2007 20:26

I returned to work part time after 6 months of maternity leave. I dreaded going back to work and spent the first week or so being miserable at my desk. But when I got into the swing of things I found that I was rather happy to be at work.

5 months later I requested a return to full time work and have just finished my first month. I am lucky in that I live close to work and enjoy very flexible hours. My job is very challenging and I enjoy it very much.

I cherish the time at the start and the finish of the day when I spend quality time with my son. I am still breastfeeding (he is 1) and I love the closeness of these feeds. I take a Wednesday off by compressing my full time hours into 4 days not 5 and ensure that I devote that time to him. If I do any chores we do them together in the morning and then head out for some fun.

I do a bit of housework every evening and make sure that my DH pulls his weight. It helps that we don't have particularly high standards and I turn a blind eye to the ironing.

Combining work and motherhood fulfills me in a way I never thought possible and I have more energy than I had before. I feel I can do anything with a little organisation (which is the key thing IMHO)

1dilemma · 11/10/2007 21:15

Yes there is no real answer
everytime they do aomething, get ill whatever you will want to be at home
everytime you do something well at work (or whatever your achievement is) you'll be glad you work
we muddle through somehow

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread