Feel used

[Riv12345]

Hi everyone
Just need some advice and probably some reassurance.

My daughter has 2 children
I was asked to look after the fist child whilst she work etc etc
Dropped everything like you do to have her. Loved every minute of it, changed all my work hours so I could have grand daughter.
Have her all the time plus working etc etc
Cut long story short
Second child I also had to help out
Now the second child has just started school she has changed her working hours to suit the school hours.
So I have gone from doing nearly everything to completely nothing.

I admit this is her last child she's not having anymore.
But she's changed her hours to do school run
My daughter is going through anxiety at the moment.
Not sure if it's to do with last child starting school and she want to hold on to her and dnt want to miss anything.

I am going through menopause and I am extremely a sensitive person anyway.
I have told daughter how I feel which lead to a bit of an argument.
She said I took as the children are a property ( wasn't sure what she meant)
She has sent me photos of the children going to school
I just feel like we are not close any more
I get upset and it's affecting my mental well being.
I have a good social life lots of lovely friends
Good job and fantastic work colleagues
A partner that is loyal and hard working but I'm just a bit upset over my daughter and how things have changed
Only nice and helpful reply's only.
Thank you for taking the time to read x

I mean this kindly but they are your daughter's children and if she wants to take one of them to school then that's entirely her choice and you don't have any right to complain.

You DO have a right to feel upset or sad...but not to tell your daughter about your feelings.

She probably feels she missed out on a lot of her first child's early years through working...and now she wants to enjoy her youngest.

That's HER right. She's their Mum.

You should concentrate on other aspects of your relationship with your grandchildren.

Taking them on trips to the cafe and park...playing with them etc.

I think my mum is going through the same thing. She looked after my children regularly, picked them up from nursery, fed them dinner when I was working late, would get them from school if they were sick, and more. This year my youngest started high school and I’ve been WFH so the kids just want to walk home with their friends rather than their gran! I know my mum is feeling a bit lost, I’ve started inviting her for dinner more and go to the shops with her on a Saturday morning. But I’d definately like you hear more ideas of how to make her feel useful again

We have exactly the same thing going on but the thing is my children are not my mums children. She needs to go back to being a grandparent and not childcare. It's causing issues.

Jack that's lovely that you're making that time for your Mum. I remember I used to go to my Nan's house after school from age 10 to about 13 and when I got too 'old' to do that, she must have missed me terribly!

Thank you so much for your replies

I just think it makes it worse because of lockdown as well use to see them all the time
I'm such a happy go lucky person with lots of friends
Just hate feeling like this it is just not me 😢
I take supplements and on antidepressants and I sleep well

I'm going to keep busy on my days off work
I dnt want to be a sad case but I'm worried that I'm turning in to one

I think you should apologise to your DD for the argument, and say you're feeling a bit sad and lost (empty nest syndrome?).

Ask if you could have the children one regular day after school as grandma time, and would love to take them for a nice day out/sleepover whenever convenient for your DD. And to spend more time with your DD too. Or whatever you think would work best for her/you - maybe asm he to suggest ideas.

I'd also add that maybe your daughter feels your only interest is her children, perhaps she would like you to make an effort to see her too?
You've been incredibly generous looking after both gc so their mum can work so I can understand why you feel pushed aside but as others have said it's her children and she wants to do school runs etc then that's her choice.

I have apologised
I apologised on Saturday
It was a bit awkward but we cleared the air
She has sent me photos again today of little one going to school
I think I'm just over thinking things
I'm working all weekend but will definitely text her to see them soon
Thank you guys it's just so nice to hear from people that isn't biased and neutral.

What would you like to do?

It's not unreasonable for your daughter to want to be there for her kids after school. While you're not unreasonable to feel the way you do, making your feelings your DDs responsibility is.

It sounds like you are afraid you won't get anytime with your GC and your relationship will not be the same. Do you feel like you aren't needed anymore? You also sound a bit like you feel used?

I'm sure you are still needed. My MIL looked after my BIL and SILs children. When GC went to school she collects them from school one day a week and they have dinner together. Then Bil and SIL collect them to take them home. Bil and SIL get that one evening to catch up on stuff etc. It's a win win. Look for win wins.

If you feel used, well it was your choice. You didn't have to do it but you did and now you have these lovely memories of times with your GC. Don't get too caught up in what you're owed. Look at what lovely times are still to come.

Oh dear. Yes, you must feel a bit bereft but, as others have said, your daughter must feel like she has been missing out and has now managed to arrange things so that she can do the nice 'mummy' things. That's lovely for her.

She may even have grown to feel a bit threatened by you taking on that role and 'usurping' her position as mum (however kindly, necessarily and at her instigation! These things aren't always logical...) If so probably this argument hasn't helped that feeling and you might want to tread carefully for a while.

I think asking for a regular meet up, with our without your daughter, is a nice idea. It wouldn't hurt to regularly say how pleased you are for her that she now gets to spend more quality time with the children (i.e. lie. I'm advising you to lie )

Good luck!