Using my mum instead of childcare worries, wwyd?

[Gemstone19]

I’m interested to hear what other people have done/would do in this situation:

I will soon be needing childcare for my youngest child (age 7yrs) for between 3-5 days a week, after school only.
We have used a very good childminder until covid happened but now my mum is going to retire and has offered to be our childcare (we would pay her for this).
I love my mum dearly and my kids adore her (my older kids are old enough not to need childcare) however the way it would work would mean she would need to have my child at my house and she will also have her other young grandchild with her (age 2).
My kids would also love to see their little cousin however I am concerned that I will be coming home from a long and stressful job where I know I will be exhausted and would then need to offer my mum dinner (I wouldn’t be able to make mine without offering for her), tidy up the mess of whatever the kids have had out, washing up etc and my mum would have been on her own all day and be yearning for adult conversation and be desperate to tell me all the events of the day so she would probably stay quite a while each time.

I feel absolutely awful for saying this because I love my mum and want to spend time with her but not when I’m knackered after a long day. I will just want to come home to a tidy house, have my dinner and relax without having all the extra stuff to do. When lo goes to the childminder, the childminder cooks the dinner, tidies up all the cooking stuff etc, I just pick up my child and go home to my tidy house and it makes my life easier.
I don’t want to hurt my mums feelings so how do I broach this?
I would love to say yes if she could commit to being organised, cooking dinner early so the kids have eaten by the time I get home and have organised the tidying up. (My teenage kids can help her tidy up so it wouldn’t be just down to her) she can just be very unorganised at times and never does anything on time or early.
I just worry that I’ll come home and not be able to have my own space 🙈

Can you frame it that you think it would be too much of a burden on her, that you want her to be fun granny and spend quality time with your kids but that you would be really grateful if she would be willing to cover emergencies eg if childminder is ill.

Could you perhaps word it as what makes you contemplate using the childminder is - DS is fed dinner 5 days a week, he doesn't have time to make a mess in the house before you get, once you're home with him you therefore can just relax and enjoy being with them.

Or suggest she does it a few days a week as you think it'll impinge too much upon her new found freedom/DS likes the other kids at cm club and suck it up for those 2 days?

Can she go to the other grandchild's house and you pick up from there?

What about 1 day a week?
I think it gets a bit messy mixing money and family for childcare..of course it can work but there are too many blurred lines.

Don’t do it.

I had childcare happen at my house and There is nothing worse than coming home to find pen all over the walls, or mud in the bedroom and crap all over the floor. Out of milk etc. It is soo stressful.

My MIL does childcare for us one afternoon a week (not at the moment due to covid). She also does it for my SIL so there's 5 children total. She needs to bring them to my house as can't fit them all in the car. She always makes them dinner (something simple like sausages or nuggets) which I'm very grateful for. It saves us a lot of money and solves a big childcare problem as the waiting list in our area is huge.

However, on this day I do come home to my house being a mess, I have the dinner things to clear up and my own dinner to sort , toys everywhere as visiting children seem to get every toy out, school bags dumped at the door (on my days I make the dc sort them), and toilet usually needs cleaned as they've made a mess in there 🤢.
But that's the price I pay for free childcare, I'd never complain to mil about it, she is doing me a massive favour and I don't know what I'd do without her help. If I was using paid childcare I'd have to cook for everyone after we got home and tidy that up anyway and the dc love to see their cousins.

Thank you all for your insight and different perspectives.
I think the best option would be to maybe have a mix of both. I don’t mind a bit of mess or whatever and can suck it up but if it was everyday I think it would be too stressful. The other thing is sometimes I finish early and so I make the most of that time by getting jobs done around the house or catching up on work emails etc before picking my child up so I would be saying goodbye to those bonus child free hours where I get stuff done.

There isn’t the option have my kids at another house because of other complicated logistics so it would only work for her to come to my house.

If my youngest was at the childminder I would still need to make dinner for me and hubby (and sometimes my older kids but often I prep their meals in advance so they just chuck it in the oven, not an option for youngest as he has a special diet). But when I cook I clear up as I go along, I’m tidy, I always wipe down all the surfaces etc but I know my mum isn’t as tidy as me and she will have her toddler grandchild around her ankles so I know it would all be dumped on the side waiting for me 😩
I just like to be organised and efficient and my mum is the opposite! (I’m no super ocd clean freak or military style organisation, I’m just normal but my mum is very veeery relaxed.)

She’s also not amazing at timekeeping so I would worry about my child being collected late etc whereas the childminder is solidly reliable and always early. But the kids LOVE my mum so much, they love spending time with her and their little cousin. I think maybe I need to have an open chat with my mum and see what she says

What do you plan to do if mum has a holiday or is poorly? School holidays? How about she collects on a Friday only so the mania is contained to one night and you can have a glass of wine as you come in!

I think there's a big difference between being a grandparent and being a paid child carer. Once you muddy the waters by paying her, there could easily be a falling-out regarding expectations.

And the other grandchild, being two, will need much more attention from your mother.

I would get paid-for childcare outside your home.

I'm a cm and a granny I love my little gran daughter but when she comes and I'm working I have to have my childcare hat on if I had her all the time I would miss the special time as it's important to respect parents and support their parenting style. I've worked with lots of families who's grandparents cant do this and it causes lots of issues behaviour wise diet wise etc. So I'd only use family if they will act in a way you would not ones who will say its granny's rules, never did you any harm etc. I think unless shes very fit and active it would be too much every day.

It is normal that you need time for yourself. My parents help us with our children, especially during the quarantine period. Children are always at home, need a lot of attention, and parents understand that it is hard to combine it with work. On the other hand, life in the house now follows the laws of my mother, not as I used to.
If you find a solution, be sure to share it!

My parents moved round the corner from me when my kids were 5 and 7, having lived 100s miles away. They wanted to get involved with the family. We only used the childminder twice a week and took the decision not to change that arrangement. We told my parents see how it goes, you might want holidays and we don't want to tie you down. What they have done is ad hoc child care, and it has been awesome. If I needed to stay past my usual time on short days, my parents have done pick up, but the beauty is, that they do it when it suits them, not when I need them to. It obviously isn't the cheapest option for me, but given my dad's health isn't great, I haven't wanted to rely on them. It is much more fun for them when they can dictate terms. Plus, pre covid, we got to go out. I wouldn't have sent the children for a sleepover if my parents were their regular childcare, but I've been able to go out together with my husband which was nice!
If you need childcare 5 night, possible suggest she just does one. If she's doing childcare for a 2 year old every day she might be more tired that she expects. Is she keen to be 'fair' between you and the 2 year olds parents?