New aupair is suffocating me, help!!!!

[kittywits]

Our new (English) aupair started at the end of August, early days I know. She is very bubbly and enthusiastic and tries hard to do what needs to be done. She has lived in our town before and has friends here whom she goes out with.

It all seems ideal BUT I'm finding it really, really hard to cope with the fact that she is is, well 'there' . She talks incessently and follows me round and is so 'in your face'.

I find it a particular prob in the evenings. After the last children have gone to bed I desperately need some space where I'm not having to talk to anyone and to have some time with dp. She waits for me to come downstairs and kind of pounces and follows me round talking, talking until I go to bed exhausted.
I know I might sound mean but it's really making me tired and I'm beginning to really resent her.
I actually feel more exhausted with her here than I did without her!!!
She has her own really decent sized bedroom, bathroom and loo. She also has her own sitting room. I don't expect her to spend all her evenings on her own but please, how can I
tactfully deal with this issue?

Oh I really know what you are going through. We have too many kids and no other option but to have an au pair and cant afford live out help. I try to stay focused on the positive side and when we get desperate for some privacy I ask our Au pair to babysit and clear off out with Dh to chill out and talk . Our AP is always around and a bit of a loner and I understand that she must get lonely. We have made her room as comfortable as poss with T.V, laptop, DVD and unlimited movie rentals membership and own sitting room?this has helped to some extent. BUT I find nothing is my own ?as soon as a newspaper hits the door mat it?s gone! Same with magazines I never get to read.. cosmetics from my bathroom disappear, hair straightners ..new CD?s and I pod find their way to AP?s room, treats from the fridge are already opened by the time I get to them, including the odd bottle of wine. I know it may seems petty but it?s driving me mad. I would never dream of going in her room our helping myself to her things but I think It?s the downside to having someone live in.

I think I would just say that I am a person who likes peace and quiet, and in the evening I like time to myself, and expect her to occupy herself quietly somehow if she is staying in. Either reading, or watching TV, or any other hobby she might have, but that you are tired after the day and you need your chill out time.
What would you normally be doing? I would sit and read a book, and say "mmm I just want to read this for an hour or so" if she keeps talking.

Oh Beachfeet...no.no.no....You can't put up with your AP taking your cosmetics and stuff! Honestly some of them have no understanding that this is just not on. I never go into my AP's flat but I bet she'd be horrified if I did and take her things!

beechfeet, that is def NOT normal!
Our current AP makes herself at home in the house -that is to say, she will open a bottle of wine. We once had an AP who put up pictures of her parents in the kitchen on her first day (we had little furniture at the time!), and I liked that, as it showed that she felt at home.

However, neither of them would have dreamt of nicking cosmetics. Your house is not a student flat!
Dont let her meet your next AP, and establish new ground rules, if you cant face having it out with her.

kittywits - tv, dvd player in her room, computer with internet if possible, and evening classes...thats all I can think of.
Or talk a lot to her about your children, the poor girl will be avoiding you soon.
I am a lonely single mother, and I sometimes suspect our AP goes out in the evening or retires to her room to avoid me (in the nicest possible way) lol

Kittywitts ? can?t really recommend anything else to do ? but if it?s still early days she may still be settling in. I got into the habit of disappearing at 8.30 every evening with the newspaper in the lounge ( no T.V ) and eventually Au pair would go off and do her own thing then I would switch on the T.V and close the door and relax?.we generally get some privacy in the evenings.
I know you agree that it?s not acceptable for Au pair to help herself to everything, but I can honestly say the last two of our Au pairs have all done this. It?s is usually when they have been here for a few months and settled in. What really annoys me is that Au Pair obviously knows that she shouldn?t be doing this it?s done in a sneaky way. I have found empty wine bottles appear in the recycling on collection day, not consumed by us but belong to us. When I asked where the kid?s treats have gone and she always blames the kids for helping themselves even though there out of reach and not possible but then I feel I?m being petty. I just assumed this was a common trait of Au Pairs.

you're right beachfeet, it is common.. especially in Eastern European AP's IMO. My friend who's a food stylist, so loads of food in the house, once went into her ap's room and opened her cupboard to find a huge stockpile of tins! She had 10 tins of tuna taken from the kitchen. It's understandable really, I've had girls who can't believe the amount of food and waste (when I'm throwing away a tablespoon of leftover cooked rice!) But still cosmectics are different aren't they? You could offer her £5 a week for treats (mags, chocolate, biscuits)then at least you know yours are still there when you want them, after all there is nothing worse than a long hard day at work to find you can't have a piece of chocolate

ingles - that's a good idea I will put it to Au pair. We already buy her specific's from the weekly shop but this might help solve the cosmetics and choc and wine problem. I don't mind buying her these sort of treats as long ours are still there when we want them.

Beach,...just make it very clear to her that the money is for treats and not to supplement her pocket money (and still take your things!)! I've never had a problem with this system before,..my ap's in the granny flat so I give them £20 a week to cover breakfast, food for the weekend and a few treats, but I've noticed she's not going to the super market to buy any food. and taking lots from the house!

I'm sure my new AP is stalking me!!! Luckily we have creaky floorboards. Is really getting on my nerves, as keep bumping into her.

Having a lot of similar prblems, she wants to eat with DH and I every night - def not good - as she says kids eat too early.

She seems very needy and selfish (made me late for school run as wanted to discuss for 4th time when her parcel from parents would be here, how the feck should I know I don't run the postal union?), has lived away from home for 3 yrs whilst at uni so thought she would be more independent.

I'm starting to think I have made a mega mistake, have been spoiled in the past with fab ones mostly.

She seems really dour, all my pals say 'what do you expect, she's French' even DD not sure as 'She's not very smiley Mummy'.

Can I cope without?

If anyone's still interested in this, I had the same problem with my current aupair

And I found it useful to say something like "I'm planning a really romantic/ quiet / whatever night with Dh tonight as we haven't had a chance to be together much recently so I'm just cooking us this lovely whatever, so just help yourself to whatever you want for your tea"

It's pretty hard for somebody to not get that hint and make themselves scarce!

Other than that, when the kids are around, just say that you have SUCH a headache and you're DESPERATE for some time when you don't have to talk to anyone.

Good luck!

I did this last night, told her I was planning a nice meal for DH and she could have hers in the 2 hrs+ we were gone for Brownies and picking DH up from the station.

Worked a treat thank you!

start holding hands and gte all mushy with each other,that will soon have the desired effect!if that doesn't work continue being mushy with each snog all the time! that should work!! good luck