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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

New aupair is suffocating me, help!!!!

39 replies

kittywits · 23/09/2007 09:47

Our new (English) aupair started at the end of August, early days I know. She is very bubbly and enthusiastic and tries hard to do what needs to be done. She has lived in our town before and has friends here whom she goes out with.

It all seems ideal BUT I'm finding it really, really hard to cope with the fact that she is is, well 'there' . She talks incessently and follows me round and is so 'in your face'.

I find it a particular prob in the evenings. After the last children have gone to bed I desperately need some space where I'm not having to talk to anyone and to have some time with dp. She waits for me to come downstairs and kind of pounces and follows me round talking, talking until I go to bed exhausted.
I know I might sound mean but it's really making me tired and I'm beginning to really resent her.
I actually feel more exhausted with her here than I did without her!!!
She has her own really decent sized bedroom, bathroom and loo. She also has her own sitting room. I don't expect her to spend all her evenings on her own but please, how can I
tactfully deal with this issue?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BeetrootBevan · 23/09/2007 09:49

I used to hide in my room - sad I know

roisin · 23/09/2007 09:56

She sounds rather lonely. Do you know of any other aupairs locally? Can you encourage her to invite some friends round, or go out with some to give you some space?

When I was a SAHM I used to need company/chat in the evenings. But now that I'm working all day I just crave peace and (preferably) silence after 7.30 once the kids have been banished upstairs!

moondog · 23/09/2007 09:58

That's why I could never get an au pair.The thoguht of sharinig space in my home with someone else is intolerable.Would rather do it myself.

dissle · 23/09/2007 09:59

is there such a thing as a "trial period" when employing an aupair?
Could you review after say a month....then either get rid or "have a chat"

could you not delegate the "chat" to dp???

jenjins · 23/09/2007 10:02

must be difficult for you, bordering on prisoner in your own home but like you say its probably early days and she should settle into her own routine of doing things. if she bright enough to do this hard job you would have thought she could work out to give your own space in the evening especially as she is there to look after your kids not you!! she is probably lonely too but you will have to tactfully mention something if she carries on as you cant hide away. its not like she doesnt have a lounge to sit in or space of her own. hope it works out for you..

jenjins · 23/09/2007 10:04

i agree moondog it would drive me mad.

moondog · 23/09/2007 10:05

When I had a friend/au pair to help for a month,I spent every evening MNing.It helped her realize that there were times when she needed to entertain herself.

moondog · 23/09/2007 10:05

When I had a friend/au pair to help for a month,I spent every evening MNing.It helped her realize that there were times when she needed to entertain herself.

Boogalooblue · 23/09/2007 10:06

I managed 2 weeks of employing an au pair, although knew on second day that we had made a mistake for that very reason, privacy.

If you want her to stay you are going to have to talk to her and explain, maybe she feels obligated to talk to you every evening

KaySamuels · 23/09/2007 10:18

Sounds like she has plenty of space of her own if she wanted it. Why not have a few nights were you say 'oh I am going to have a lovely bath then chill out in my room for the evening'. Just to subtly give her the message you enjoy your own space, and a chance to relax alone. When it's quiet say so, show you enjoy peace, and some time alone. I think that until you have kids you don't appreciate that adult evening time in the same way a parent does! Hopefully this will spur her to entertain herself. Is she allowed guests round? Maybe you could suggest she has a movie night in with a friend in her sitting room or something?

goldenoldie · 23/09/2007 10:31

Sign her up for evening classes in salsa or something she is interested in - as a 'treat' from you to her.

Tell her that between 7:30 - 8:30 you have to have a bit of quiet to do some work. Will mean shutting yourself away in kitchen or dining room, but I'm sure she will get the message.

WanderingTrolley · 23/09/2007 10:35

Let her catch you and your dp gettin jiggy on the sofa.

She will scarper.

mytwopenceworth · 23/09/2007 10:37

You hope

Sorry. I'm not helping.

Original poster

kittywits · 23/09/2007 10:57

Thanks for the ideas!
getting 'jiggy' lol in my dreams!!
I think I will have to have a 'chat', I hate them though and I'm super crap at doing them.
If I could afford a live out nanny I'd have one of those, but I can't and I've got too many kids to do it on my own so I guess i've only got myself to blame.
When I intervied her and she was really bubbly i thought to myself that she would calm down after a couple of weeks with us but she hasn't i think it's her default setting!

I have noticed that she's doing less and less with the kids an more an more housework.

I wish I could be bloody superwoman and just do it all on my own. I hate having help

OP posts:

Scanner · 23/09/2007 11:12

A chat is a good idea, perhaps you could turn it on it's head and suggest that you are concerned that she may feel that she has to spend her free time with you. That you realise that she's younger and will want to do different things and of course so do you, so you really don't mind if she wants to spend her evenings in her room having a bit of space - afterall we all need time alone.

SSSandy2 · 23/09/2007 11:31

How old are the dc?

Original poster

kittywits · 23/09/2007 11:45

That's a good idea scanner. Wouldn't it be funny if she actually wanted to be on her own?

Sandy they are 9, 8, 6, 4, 20 months and nearly 6 months

OP posts:

SSSandy2 · 23/09/2007 11:53

see the need for an au pair AND the need for some quiet time!

If she's bubbly chatty and so on, that's nice for the dc. But you say she is doing less with the dc than you'd like and more housework.

Maybe it is chat time, unfortunately. Perhaps there a couple ofthings that need spelling out: what specific things you would like her to be concentrating on with the dc; that you need quiet time in the evenings on your own so that will mean she will be alone a lot and that could get lonely for her will she be ok with that?; you want to make it clear that she is welcome to have a friend over now and again or visit people; if she'd like to do a course because she gets bored at night alone, you'd be happy to help organise that.

That should make it pretty clear. She may feel she HAS to be sociable and come down and mingle. Best to make it clear before you go mad with it all I think.

frannikin · 23/09/2007 14:06

Say that you'd rather she spent her time in the day with DCs and get her to spend the evenings doing housework!

Sorry...not that helpful. I like the idea of classes as a "treat" from you to get her out the house and meeting friends. Does she have stuff to do in her room? The worst thing when living in is you have all this space and nothing to do in it. That's when I took up knitting and cross-stitching - at lest I was doing something while watching TV in the evening!

I see why you need her there, and some quiet time too, so I hope it works out for you.

ingles2 · 23/09/2007 17:43

a couple of suggestions kitty, because this is a problem with au pairs...they become like an extra child and need entertaining until they get more of a social life...
Of course she doesn't need english lessons. but how about the gym, swimming, WI even...well you never know
Also I've encouraged my ap"s to do babysitting for friends...gets them out of the house and earning a bit more money..my last girl worked in the local pub at weekends too....

sazzybee · 23/09/2007 19:48

Or could you just go off and have a bath or something? Actually I don't know why I'm bothering to give advice - I've had lodgers twice and ended up having to ask them to leave because they drive me potty in the evenings

prawns · 28/09/2007 17:54

I also have an au pair who has just started - first time for both of us. What I am finding difficult is the dinner thing. To make her feel welcome, for the first few nights we cooked for her and we all ate dinner together....now my husband is getting fed up with this and when I was out last night he ignored her and went to eat his dinner in front of the TV. (he is a bit of a slug!) I think she is now upset and was envisaging a year of us having dinner together every night. What do I do? I have asked her would she like to eat with the kids before I get back from work, but she says it's too early for her...I have given her the run of the house and said she is welcome to cook and eat whenever she likes but somehow it does feel antisocial. What does everyone else do??

scienceteacher · 28/09/2007 18:12

Prawns, our most recent aupair was like that (she has just left a few minutes ago /relief).

Personally, I think it is reasonable to eat with the aupair a couple of times a week, but every night it is not good. There are private conversations you have to have with DH, and you can't have an aupair listening in all the time.

The really hard thing for me about having an aupair eat with you every night is that you are under a certain amount of pressure to provide that meal. If you are going out, or can't be bothered to cook, the aupair still has that expectation - this is when your space really starts to feel invaded.

The advantage of having her eat with the kids is that there is a better chance that the kids will get decent food. With this last aupair, it seemed that my kids ate tinned soup, while I had to throw away out-of-date chicken from the fridge that she couldn't be bothered to cook for them.

ingles2 · 28/09/2007 21:01

Oh God...I know how you feel on this one. These days I just make it very clear from day 1 that during the week they eat with the kids! If AP says it's too early or she's not hungry I put it on a plate and leave it for her in the fridge. I only ask her to eat with us on Sunday nights when we have a big family dinner together.

chocciedooby · 28/09/2007 21:22

Mealtimes with our AP work really well. From the start I tell her every day what I'm cooking for DH and I and at roughly what time I will be serving. As DH doesn't get home til 7pm earliest it's normally too late for her. I always give her the option of joining us or eating earlier with the kids. (sometimes we eat the same meal, sometimes not). 9 times out of 10 chooses she to eat with the kids. If she doesn't like what I'm cooking she looks after herself. Makes salad, a sandwich, pasta etc.

I suppose some AP have more sense of whats going on around them and not wanting to create more work for us. Others don't see it and I suppose may expect their dinner cooked for them every night.

Hope things improve for you.

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