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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au Pairs friend on weekend visit

22 replies

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 17/09/2007 14:25

My new au pair (arrived a few weeks ago) mentioned how a very good male friend (she has not said it is her boyfriend) is coming to visit her the weekend of her birthday. She has not asked if he can stay here, and I have not offered. How likely is it that she assumes it is ok and will go to meet him at the airport and bring him here?

Should I offer him to come stay here?
I am uncertain. What is the norm?
I have had many au pairs, but none have had visitors from "back home" coming.

Any tips on how to best handle this most tactfully?

OP posts:

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NAB3 · 17/09/2007 14:29

When I was an au pair in Brussels my then BF visited and was allowed to stay in my room.

When I was a nanny in Hampstead I wasn't allowed a male friend to visit and stay, nor was my BF allowed in my room.

I would say it is up to you.

eleusis · 17/09/2007 14:43

My house rules say no male friends are allowed in the house when I'm ot home, and not in her bedroom even if I am home. Nope nope nope. My house, my rules. I might be prepared to realx if I knew nanny/au pair really well. But not 3 weeks after she arrives.

However...

Recently my live in nanny told the pastor/vicar he could come over when I'm not there. So, I've made an exception.

eleusis · 17/09/2007 14:44

oops, she told him he could not come over.

Original poster

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 17/09/2007 14:47

hmm Eleusis.... I wouldnt worry so much about the vicar visiting either...

Thanks for input all.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 17/09/2007 21:03

Hi Tiramisu...
When my au pairs lived in my house they were allowed female over night guests but not male. Bit different now as we have a granny flat in the garden so they have more freedom. However having had au pairs for the last few years I can safely say she will assume it's ok for her friend to stay! I think you better broach the subject now before it becomes a problem. I"m quite keen on the " Can you believe so and so's au pair has done this!!!" approach...always seems to work wink

Nightynight · 17/09/2007 21:32

I dont allow male guests. It is my house and my rules, and I dont have a live in husband/partner.

It does sound as though she plans to bring him home though, unless he knows anyone else near you? you need to make a quick decision and speak to her really.

annh · 17/09/2007 21:49

Can you just ask her where he is planning on staying in a sort of - have you booked something for your friend or would you like some suggestions - sort of way?

kindersurprise · 17/09/2007 22:29

I worked as an aupair in Germany and they tend to be quite openminded about overnight guests there. My boyfriend stayed with me a few times, it didn't bother them. I was surprised to learn that my bf's parents didn't mind me staying overnight with them. At the time my Mum would never have let me have a guy in my room.

I don't know where your aupair is from, if she is German then she might be expecting him to stay with her.

I would ask her if she has booked accomodation for him and see how she reacts.

Original poster

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 17/09/2007 22:43

Thanks for replying.
I think I may have to ask her.
She is from Norway. She has not said it is his boyfriend. But she mentioned going to a different town very far from her hometown for a week prior to coming over, and she just mentioned that the person who is coming is from that town, I remembered the name.
So, if she goes to visit him before going abroad, and he comes to spend the weekend with her on her birthday, I can only assume he is either a very good friend just keen on a weekend in London, or a boyfriend.

I am not so keen on male overnight stays. Our house is quite small, and her bedroom is next to our kids room. I am probably over cautious, but I have trust issues.

OP posts:

eleusis · 18/09/2007 09:27

I don't allow boys to sleep over. Perhaps I'm an old fashioned stick in the mud, but I don't sign up to shacking up in front of my kids.

But, if you like this au pair, you trust he's a nice boy (not sure how you could know this), and you don't mind having him, then I might offer him the sofa downstairs.

mysonsmummy · 18/09/2007 09:36

do let us know you've got me hooked now. lol

RnB · 18/09/2007 09:40

Message withdrawn

beachfeet · 18/09/2007 14:57

Boyfriends and male guests are a big NO for me too. I have no objections to female friends and family staying. My current Au Pair has been dropping hints for her new boyfriend to stay at weekends because he lives miles away. Aupair has been with us for a long time and is honest and trustworthy but has a terrible track record with boyfriends. This one is 10 years older than her and seems very pushy and a bit rude. I hinted to Au pair about him coming over during the day and hanging around the house ALL day at weekends i find it really arkward especially as I don't like him. but not sure how to deal with this as yet.

Squiffy · 18/09/2007 15:16

My APs have had boyfriends over, and I reckon that she might just be assuming that this is OK?

Maybe you could compromise and mention that your house is too small to accomodate her guests but that as an alternative, you'd suggest she takes him up to London/Blackpool or somewhere for the weekend to show him something touristy (pick a city near wherever you live), and then you could offer to give her some pocket money towards B&B costs as a pressie?

NAB3 · 18/09/2007 19:05

Presumeably these BFs are practically strangers to you and how would you feel about a stranger sleeping in the same house as your children? No brainer imo.

Original poster

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 18/09/2007 23:09

We live in London. Can hardly send her to a b&b locally. They want to explore London clubs, so, I cant send her to Brighton. I much preferred if she went to a b&b with him on her own accord, than having two hung over young people who may, or may not be able to hold their alcohol very well. (Carpet floors). Our bedroom is next to the bathroom. I have a slight issue with sickness. My children have NEVER seen us drunk, or seen any suffering the day after.

Ok. Maybe this is as much about the possibility of people being sick in my bathroom as any bedroom antics.

OP posts:

goldenoldie · 19/09/2007 07:57

just say no!

Speak to her now, before this bloke appears on your doorstep.

Did you not agree house rules with her in advance? Might be time to sit down and go through them.

If she is just assuming he can stay she is being a bit cheeky. None of our au-pairs would have assumed this was ok without asking first.

Hope it is not a sign of things to come?

ingles2 · 19/09/2007 10:43

Have to say have noticed over the years the Ap's becoming cheekier and cheekier. I now write them a handbook that covers everything, hours, job, money, house rules...I'll send you a copy if you want?

Original poster

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 20/09/2007 10:53

I asked her this morning what his plans were, if he had anywhere to stay. He is booked into a budget hotel in central london, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Thanks for listening and providing good advise.

OP posts:

laura032004 · 20/09/2007 22:38

ingles2 - I would really appreciate a copy of your handbook - I've got a friend who is just about to get her first aupair. Could you email it? [email protected] TIA

ingles2 · 21/09/2007 09:46

Laura...
no problem..will sort it out later

laura032004 · 21/09/2007 11:30

Just recd it. Thanks very much

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