Single mum childcare worries

[Robyn578]

Having a bit of a meltdown over childcare. Currently pregnant with our second child, and dad has decided he doesnt want the responsibility of a family anymore and has left. I want to be able to work and provide for my children, but having struggled to pay for childcare alone for one (dad refused to contribute even when we were together!) to the point where i had to miss work/take leave etc to bridge the gap some months, im terrified as to how im going to pay for 2? Dd1 will be 3 next year and so will have some free childcare hours, but i still cant see this making enough of a difference. I have asked dad for help and his response was "if you wanted a career or ambitions, you shouldnt have had kids"

Posted before i finished typing 🤦‍♀️ i am 4 hours from family, so they cant help, and even if i were to move home, id have the worries of finding a new job. How do other single parents without family support cope? Am i missing something that could help?

If you receive tax credits or planning on claiming universal credit then they will pay 75 or 85%of fees respectively.

My first suggestion would be tomorrow to call the cms and start our maintenance claim to get what is deserved. It's not high enough a percentage but better than none or having to argue over it.

How do people manage? Juggling and trying to get the best hours that work for your family. I opted for a work from home role, for the flexibility this affords me.

Sollay

I need some help to a problem that just doesn’t seem to go away. My sons father and I split up 5 years ago. My son spends 2 nights one week and 4 nights another. Mon and Tuesday one week and Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday another with his dad and he pays £169 a month child maintenance. He has always hated paying it and keeps asking for 50/50 shared care. This means that I will not get any maintenance payments through CM. I told him I would be happy to do this if he agrees to pay half towards childcare costs, school trips and school uniform. He won’t agree to this but even if he does I don’t trust him because he agrees to things and then when he gets fed up or if it isn’t working out with his life he just tells me he won’t do it ( whatever it is) anymore. I was offered a new job the week lockdown was announced. He is currently working from home. I explained my situation with him and he agreed to look after my son while I could do two days at my new job. It wasn’t full time but it was better than nothing. After two weeks of this, he called and said it was too much for him to deal with and that he couldn’t look after him anymore while he worked from home and that he wouldn’t be able to see him as much during lockdown doe to him not being at school and being at home with him all day while he had work to do. I subsequently lost my new job so now I am living off benefits. He wouldnt tell me the new arrangement to see him. I can only imagine this is so I couldn’t contact child maintenance to tell them the new nights which would mean the payments going up. He has contacted me this morning to tell me he will not be paying me any child maintenance until he gets 50/50 shared care and if I stop my son from seeing him Because of this, I am a despicable mother. I just feel constantly bullied and controlled by him. I am happy to accept 50/50 shared care if he contributes towards childcare and such. I’ve said we need a court order because I can’t live my life like this. At the moment I don’t have a job and don’t know when I’ll get one but once I do I don’t think it’s fair to pay all the costs on my own. My question is, if I go and see a solicitor who my parents are offering to pay for because they are as sick of this as I am, can I agree a court order where he has 50/50 shared care and pays half towards childcare, school trips and school uniform because I will struggle financially if he doesn’t and it doesn’t seem fair if he doesn’t have to.

I think you need to get some legal advice. Many give free 30m but yes get anything agreed in writing

Hi sorry to post on someone else's story don't know how to work this site yet. I just need some advice on childcare disagreements with my ex. I am a father to a 3 year old boy my ex had always wanted to work full time and has been for the past two years however when we were together he went to his nannys 3 days a week and nursery 2 which i didnt mind as much ad its still spending time with family i don't think it's healthy for children to spend so much time away from family at such a young age.I have my son Friday evening to Monday morning and he is often tired and exhausted after so much time at nursery, I have tried to discuss her working part time as she is now helped out by universal credit and my son is aloud 30hours free she can't seem to see my point of view I am just concerned for my son is there any way I can make her see sense or anything I can do as I feel it is detrimental to my son in the long run.

Josh

I've been a single parent for six years now. My kids were in school when I left but I've still had to find after school childcare and holiday childcare up until recently. I also had to pay for childcare on my own even when we were together as my ex, like yours, refused to see it as a shared cost or responsibility.

Universal Credit will contribute to childcare but it is in arrears, so you have to pay it and then provide proof of payment. It's fiddly but if you can get the timing right and your childcare costs are regular, it's doable.

Depending on how much maintenance your ex is paying, you may be able to get more by going through the CMS, though they're pretty useless at enforcement through anything other than salary deduction.

Some employers are more understanding than others; personally, I think it's worth trying to find a family-friendly one, whatever the sector. I worked for the public sector for a local council and they were very flexible when I needed time off for sick children etc.

Another option is to try to reduce your hours slightly, say 4 days a week rather than 5 to cut the cost.

There are options, none of them are easy but I promise it's doable. I now have one at secondary and one about to go to secondary, so childcare is less of an issue now. It's not forever!

@Joshy93

Hi sorry to post on someone else's story don't know how to work this site yet. I just need some advice on childcare disagreements with my ex. I am a father to a 3 year old boy my ex had always wanted to work full time and has been for the past two years however when we were together he went to his nannys 3 days a week and nursery 2 which i didnt mind as much ad its still spending time with family i don't think it's healthy for children to spend so much time away from family at such a young age.I have my son Friday evening to Monday morning and he is often tired and exhausted after so much time at nursery, I have tried to discuss her working part time as she is now helped out by universal credit and my son is aloud 30hours free she can't seem to see my point of view I am just concerned for my son is there any way I can make her see sense or anything I can do as I feel it is detrimental to my son in the long run.

Josh

You don't have the right to ask her to work part-time. If you want your child to spend more time with family, why don't you go part-time and offer to have your son a couple of days a week?

My kids were in part-time childcare from the age of six months and full-time from the age of two and in all honesty I never thought it did them any harm.

@Joshy93
Your child is 3 most children are in childcare full time well before this and cope with days of 7am to 6pm or longer if hes overtired the problem maybe more around evening and night time but as a parent you can ask his nursery about things like nap times many still have an hour in the day and sleep 12 to 13 hours at night.
If mum works full time and you have him every weekend do they ever get time together? This may impact on his behaviour.
If your worried about him being in childcare cant you go part time or condense your days into longer but fewer days. But look at the activities that are done with family often family giving childcare are not as stimulating

Josh, your child has two parents. It is not your ex's resposnibility.

If you want your dc to spend less time in nursery, I suggest you talk to your boss about flexible working. You could do full hours in 4 days, and take Fridays off perhaps.

Having said that, most of the children I know, including my DS, started nursery at two and were fine. If they are tired, they go into the quiet space and have a nap.

Hi thanks for your responses I would drop work time if I could but the only way that could happen is if I were to have custody as I can't afford not to work I just don't see it's necessary when universal credit allows mum's to work part time. I don't agree with paying for someone to bringing your children most of the time call me old fashioned like you say it's not my call just thanks again for your messages everyone

@Joshy93
It's also about teaching your son to be an independent productive individual who dosent rely on the state to feed them just because there is a saftey net called Universal credits and mum building up a career so that once your child is grown she has a life and future and didn't sacrifice it to being a single mum.