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I need CM Club's opinion - or anyone for that matter

20 replies

MrsPuddleduck · 07/09/2007 16:55

I have two children who I send to my childminder DS1 is 4 and now only goes in school holidays as he goes to school nursery.

DS2 is 18 months old and goes for 3 mornings a week.

I really like my childminder and we have a good relationship. Niether of my children mind going and Ds1 absolutely loves it there.

The problem is that she has a DC exaxtly the same age as my DS2. DC is obviously very jealous and aparently she can't take her eyes off them as DC is always attacking DS2 and taking toys off him.

This has been going on since February and is starting to make me a bit upset. I respect the fact that she is being straight with me but am a bit worried that I am sending DS2 off like a lamb to the slaughter. I am also worried that he may start to retaliate.

What should I do?

OP posts:

PinkChick · 07/09/2007 16:57

i would ask her if she sees it improving and what would she do in your shoes, she will then be able to let you know if you have cause for real concern and may have to start looking for another cm?


WanderingTrolley · 07/09/2007 16:59

As a second child, your ds2 might be sturdier than you realise - he could be a lot less bothered about the toy grabbing than you are. If he seems happy to go to your childminder, he's probably ok.

She might be mortified by her dc's behaviour - there is a lot of information in 'she can't take her eyes off them.' She sounds quite on the ball.

Talk to her now about how she might handle it if your ds2 does start to retaliate.


MrsPuddleduck · 07/09/2007 17:06

I appreciate the fact that she is telling me and that she is obviously correcting DC's behaviour.

She says "DC has got to learn" but I'm not sure about him learning at the expense of DS2.

I am worried because it has been going on for six months now and is showing no signs of getting better.

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MrsPuddleduck · 08/09/2007 16:49

To make it worse, we've just come back from a party where DC bit DS2 and made him cry.

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looneytune · 08/09/2007 16:59

It's a hard one. I'm a childminder and ds used to be a biter and it was horrible as I felt everyone would blame me for not dealing with it but believe me, I was working on it but it doesn't stop overnight. Thing is, he learnt it from someone at toddler group and well, unfortunately this can happen anywhere. When my ds was going through the phase, it seemed to be lasting a lifetime but luckily it wasn't too bad looking back.

Your poor ds for getting hurt Not sure what to suggest, just wanted to let you know that these things do happen sometimes and I'd say if you really like your childminder and feel she is dealing with it etc then I'd stick at it as you could move them to somewhere else where they feel less settled and have similar problems.

I don't know.....difficult one. Would be a lot easier if she wasn't a good childminder I suppose!


princessandthepea · 08/09/2007 17:08

I'm an ex nursery nurse & have seen this happen in nursery as unfortunately some kiddies just don't like each other. I'd wait a bit longer & see if things get any easier once the little ones grow up a bit ? Your son is still little so it can be hard to reason with them but it should get easier as he grows a bit


MrsPuddleduck · 08/09/2007 17:11

The problem with the fact that they don't get on very well is that there are only two of them.

DS2 was v wary of DC today at the party which was a bit worrying and also they were on neutral territory (wacky warehouse). This has made me feel worse, I can half understand him being territorial over his own home.

I wonder if there's a way I can ask childminder if I can watch them playing to see what happens?

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princessandthepea · 08/09/2007 17:21

I think if this is really playing on your mind (which it seems to be) then you should observe the kids & see how they are together. I had problems with a child hurting my DD at nursery & so I ended up sending her to another nursery. I would have persevered a bit longer but got fed up with hearing stories of this same child attacking other peoples kids too.


MrsPuddleduck · 08/09/2007 17:36

It is playing on my mind because it has been going on for six months now and I really really don't know what to do.

Like Looneytune says I could send him somewhere else and he may not settle.

I really don't want to disrupt him but am worried that I am sending him off every day to somewhere where he is possibly feeling victimised (as much as an 18 m old can) and may be feeling sad and let down (or am I just getting emotional now?)

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looneytune · 08/09/2007 17:39

It's so difficult isn't it. I really do think us parents get more upset about things than the kids do! Does your ds seem unhappy when he arrives there? If a child was feeling victimised I would expect a big fuss at drop off like protesting to go in. If he doesn't seem upset I'd say keep him there as it's only 3 mornings a week. Not that I can make that decision for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


kathcariad · 08/09/2007 19:13

Nearly all children go through a phase of what we might call violence against their peers - biting , pinching , pulling hair , etc.If your child began to do this it would not necessarilly be because of their experience at cms.Your child may in some way be benefitting from the cms handling of the situation , by learning that it is not acceptable.Maybe the cm can make sure they are not left alone together(she can take hers with her when she goes to the loo , for example) and you can set a deadline by which time you expect the incidents to have decreased , agreed with her.In the meantime you could suss out alternatives as under the circumstances you would not be expected to give notice.A cm has the right to terminate a contract without notice in consideration of the physical/emotional well-being of other children in their care , so this can be reversed.The cm should actually be considering if her childs behaviour is a symptom of an underlying problem that she should be investigating. You could also discuss this with your health visitor if you're concerned it could be a long-term issue and that would have a bearing on your decision. Good luck! It's never easy , is it?


fishie · 08/09/2007 19:27

my cm has ds 4 months younger than mine, they're 2-2.4. she has been looking after my ds for 14 months. they go through phases of hitting. of course pick up/collect is the worst but toys and other things can set either of them off.

i have never seen this as a problem, nor has cm or (i think) the children, but generally they do get on very well.


LoveMyGirls · 08/09/2007 19:43

Children go through phases as others have said, i would ride it out, in the next few months it could be your ds2 doing the biting etc most children do it at some point as long as it's being dealt with i would be satisfied.

Im a childminder and my dd's have been hurt by different children whilst the mindee's have been having phases the other week my dd1 (8) got spat on twice by mindee, its horrible when your children are the ones getting hurt so i do understand.

I hope things improve soon.

I think it's a good sign you are wanting to work it out, you need to work together so they learn they need to be nice to each other.

I've got a mindee (the one who spat on my dd) and he and my dd2 are similar ages so they are both going thru the same things together but after working very hard and because they are getting older and understanding more they are now getting along quite well, when he comes in the morning the first thing he does if hug dd2 and before he comes dd2 keeps saying xx coming now? so they can get on if you give them time. No child is good all of the time and phases usually last a month or so as far as i can see.


MrsPuddleduck · 09/09/2007 10:59

The problem is that DC doesn't like DS2 at all, that is quite obvious and I think that it is very rare that they get on at all.

I know that if DS2 suddenly started biting I would 'blame' the situation at CM's (although I wouldn't blame her personally).

DS2 has recently started hitting DS1 with toys (which is something he has never done). DS1 immediately wants to retaliate by hitting back (but in his defence usually asks me if he can first!). I know that I am lucky because my children have always got on really well, and DS1 has never shown any signs of jealousy (he is just 4).

If I (and DS1) didn't like the childminder so much I think it would be an easier decision.

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MrsPuddleduck · 10/09/2007 10:56

I have decided to take that matter up with her tomorrow when she looks after DS2 and see if I am happy with her response.

I am going to ask her what she intends to do and how she thinks it is best to deal with her DC.

I am also going to try and give her the opportunity to say that it is not working out from her perspective. She has already told me that her own child is really hard work when DS2 is there as he whines to be picked up all of the time.

Can anybody help with any other suggestions or questions I should ask?

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LoveMyGirls · 10/09/2007 11:33

Start with asking how they have got on today then go from there, say how are you finding looking after them both whilst they are going through this stage, it must be hard work etc - if she is confident she can cope then see how you feel then.


MrsPuddleduck · 11/09/2007 09:27

I feel really stressed now. I can't really say anything today as she has told me she will be in a rush later as she is taking one of her children for an appointment after she drops DS2 off.

The second DS2 got in her car this morning DC began to cry.

She has also asked me if I can do a reference for her for a college course. I have never done one for anyone before so have no clue what to write.

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MrsPuddleduck · 11/09/2007 13:46

DS2 has just come back with a bite mark on his arm.

I have spoken to CM andthink that it will be a mutual decision to end the arrangement as I think it is difficult for her DC too.

I've got to look for someone else now and find it really stressful to try and make the right decision. Even more so now as I feel I made the wrong one last time.

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LoveMyGirls · 11/09/2007 13:57

Thats sad but at least you agree. Where abouts are you?


MrsPuddleduck · 11/09/2007 14:15

I am in Stafford.

I found the whole experience of choosing a CM quite difficult as you don't really know who to choose for the best.

I picked current CM because she was nice and also because DS2 would have someone is own age to play with.

Next time I will be looking more carefully at the ages of the children.

Also I think that some CM do it as a stop gap while their own children are young, whilst others are doing it as a more long term thing.

It is difficult either way and I am going to have to go through it all again. I can't really afford to have a transitional period of no care as I work from home and can't get anything done when he's around.

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