Nanny problems....

[MtnBikeChick]

We are on our third live-in nanny and we have been so very lucky so far (last two stayed for 2 years each, current one has been with us since September). She is a lovely girl, very intelligent and organised, and good with my youngest child (age 5). Our eldest (aged 10) has ADD and although he is a very sweet, kind boy, he can be volatile - particularly when tired. I would not say his behaviour is extreme or unmanageable - but it can be wearing as he is very articulate and argues a lot. He is not violent (but he does scrap with his brother a bit - in a fairly typical sibling way). I am concerned about the current situation as our nanny is not very resilient. She has the boys for 3 hours a day (before and after school) and is contracted for full days (3 days a week) in the holidays, but has actually only had to do 5 full days since she started due to us being on holiday a lot. The first full day she did a few months back, she was in floods of tears by the end of the day. She is just not resilient. She takes behaviour very personally and she isn't very good at stepping back and realising that none of the arguing or misbehaving is personal. Last week she sent me a very long text at 5pm (when she had been with the kids for one hour after school) saying she doesn't know if she can do it anymore as my son is so difficult it is affecting her mental health. The text was 2 pages long. Unless it is an emergency (i.e. someone is hurt or sick) I just don't want to know about it at 5pm - happy to discuss when I get home at 6:30 but at 5pm she should be taking care of the kids, not writing long text messages. I am starting to feel like I have a third child....and the problem is that when we discuss with her she is starting to sound like she thinks it is our obligation to improve things so that life is easier for her. She has alluded to some anxiety issues, and her mental health, but she never mentioned this to us when we hired her (or interviewed). I am not saying she should - I take anti depressants and it has no bearing on my ability to my job - but if it is impacting her resilience to this level, and causing me to worry about what is happening at home, I feel like this is something to raise with her.
Am considering having a fairly frank chat with her to say that if doing the job is affecting her mental health then maybe this is not quite right for her, and we are happy to give her a couple of months to find something new. I need her to understand that it is not our job to make things easier for her. It is a very cushy well paid job as it is!

Edited to add - she said that last week was a particularly hard week, as she finds it hard when she has the kids morning and evening for a few days in a row. To be clear THIS IS HER JOB DESCRIPTION and has not changed!

Sounds like she is not up to the job. You need to get another nanny.

Yes. I think that's right. I just hate the confrontation of it all! Having to sit her down and explain to her what is required. She's also started leaving her washing up in the sink for days....drives me crazy...and not doing little errands she is asked to do (e.g. post office - running ad hoc errands is in her contract).

She is not upto the job. She knew at the interview that your son had ADHD and should have understood what that might entail. If she cant cope for short days , then she wont cope in the holidays.
You need to look for another nanny. She is probably looking for another job anyway.
At ten your son is a difficult age for a new nanny anyway. Often children this age resent childcare. So fo ensure you have clear boundaries for expected behaviour and everyone is on the same page.

She isn't up to it. I think you maybe need to say that not everyone copes well with looking after children with SN and that the job is clearly not for her. You need someone resilient. You need to give her notice now before it becomes an off sick situation.