Hello everyone,
I would really really appreciate it if you could read through my message and have an honest feedback, it would be very helpful for me right now.
Thank you :))
I'm a 23 year old girl and it's been 3 months I've started working as an au pair in France. I'm looking after an adorable 3 year old and I'm very happy to have met her and made her part of my life.
However, my relationship with the family seems to be quite strained. I'll explain:
-The mother of the little girl had asked me if i'd like a contract or not, I said that yes I would rather have one, she said ok and that she will sort it out. Didn't happen
-When we had spoken on vidocall before me coming here, she had told me that I will be having 2 or 3 days off every week. There have been times where I've been having even more days off per week but I'm almost never told when these days would be. Also, when she or/and her husband are in the house, there are times where I'm ''expected'' to stay with the little girl (eg: make her have a little nap at noon time, play with her etc) and even though I really enjoy looking after her and playing with her there are times where I'd like to do things on my own or for myself only. Don't get me wrong, there have been some opportunities like that but fewer than I expected.
-The little girl and I share the same bedroom as the parents cannot afford to rent a bigger one and they already bought a bed for my arrival so I'm grateful for that. Again, this goes back to the non privacy thing as it's rare I have any time completely on my own as she often wakes me up in the morning.
-I'm working as an au pair so I do not have any say on the parenting style/methods and I don't like getting involved in situations that are none of my business. However, I've noticed things that made me feel uncomfortable and for which I'm personally against (again, I'm not a mother nor am I trying to pretend I'm super children-wise). These are the following:
Sometimes I believe they are unreasonably strict with her, considering her age and the things she's doing. Like, the mother may have waken up and wants to have her breakfast and watch TV in silence so she ''silences her off'' but telling her to stay calm on the sofa and not play around loud or gives her the phone to keep her distracted. Or the little girl may be talking during lunch time and the mother would be like ''shut up'' or ''can't you just leave me calm for a minute"'?
When the little girl does something she's not supposed to be doing or does not obey, they put her in corner and she cries. This has no result as she keeps repeating the same things.
Sometimes the mother would tell her things like ''you made it shit'' (there is no direct translation i think) or speak to her in a raised and rude (imo) voice and way.
The little girl is used to eating sugar every day, starting from chocolate milk, a few other sweets throughout day time and coca cola sometimes.
On the other hand, I must admit that they don't always give her the sugar she wants and there have been times where they're playing with her and are very tender. I know they both love her and care about her really much, it's just that the above behaviours have personally made me feel uncomfortable.
In regards to my relationship with the parents
My interaction with the father is more typical, he's much less strict and much more expressive and sweet with the little girl, overall I like him. However, there was one time where he was with his friend on the phone and when his friend asked about me he said ''yeah, she's fine, just a little shy'' and when his friend asked if i have any complaints, he looked at his wife as if saying ''well, no, she can't have any complaints, we're giving her food, shelter etc''. Also, there was one evening where I yawned and I forgot to put my hand in front of my mouth (I know it was not nice or polite, I was just very tired and didn't think about it) and he said to his wife, in front of me, in French that he can see my amygdala. And i didn't hear very well so i asked him what he said and the woman repeated it and i was like oh, sorry. Bear in mind, he often farts around and i have never commented on it.
The woman once told me that she would like me to be more active. I asked her if she meant in regards to her daughter and she said in regards to everything. I asked for further explanations and she said that because she and her husband are waking up very early in the morning and are working long hours they live fast and I should follow their schedule too. She mentioned it's difficult for her to come home and find the house a mess, however i've never left it a mess... I sweep every morning, clean surfaces, do laundry, put stuff in the dishwasher, tidy up our room, clean the cat's littery.. The only thing i'm not doing is cooking, though I've cooked some simple meals for the little girl. When she's here I always ask her if she needs help with housework and chores and sometimes she tells me to do something, otherwise she preferes to do them on her own cause ''she wants to do it fast and not spend 2 hours cleaning up''. She also mentioned she has observed i dont wash my clothes (?). I spend most of my time inside home so the clothes i put for washing up are underwear and pyjamas. I have obviously put other clothes that i've worn outside as well but i guess she wouldn't have seen them. She also told me to not wash my bra on my own but put it in the machine. Last, she told me it irritates her a litte bit to see me leaving the table when the others have not finished and put my dishes in the machine. I would have never done this if I hadn't seen her husband leaving the table (leaving his plate on there) with the rest of us still eating or him eating on his own. She has told me she considers me a member of the family but i guess different rules apply still.
-I have only been paid 3 times and less than the amount we had arranged. She has apologized 3 times and said she will pay me and that it's awful but she will and that they've been having some money issues. I said i understand and i can wait, that unexpected things happen and it's ok. Still, i've seen them buying other things and wasting food so i'm not sure what's going on. They both got me presents for christmas which was really sweet of them and wanted to pick up and host my mum when she visited (she stayed in a hotel out of choice), i'm saying this so that i give you a clearer picture.
-The woman seems to be almost constantly angry or sth went wrong or sth ruined her mood or sth but i find her to be a negative and imposing person, I feel uncomfortable around her though we've had some funny moments, she has told me things about her life and i've told her about mine. However, i used to have a small gynaecological problem and she mentioned it to her family who had come over as i was lying in bed for 2 days cause i was in pain (her aunt had asked me if i feel bored and she had told me that ''it's christmas today so (you should) feel better).''
-I had initially told her I would like to stay 5 months and she had said she would like someone for longer and I said that I can up to 5 months and she said that she would have to look for someone else after. Now, my father is terminally ill and is doing radiotherapy and chemo (his situation was stable before i left otherwise i wouldn't have) and i think he will unfortunately pass away soon. Another reason I would like to leave in 2 months time maximum is to stay with him as I did before and be with him for his final days. However, the family think that I will stay with them for years even though I haven't ever said something like that, they just assumed it.
I know it sounds childish but I feel afraid to speak up and say that I would like to leave as they would probably get angry cause they would have to take the little girl to her grandma or aunt, where she was living for quite some time before I arrive and that they will call me unrealiable etc. It's my responsibility to speak up and tell them I will at some point leave, but I dread at the thought that they may be like ''yeah ok you can go back for some time til your father passes away and then you can come back''.
The situation with my dad is something that is affecting me and one of the reasons I'm lost in my thought quite often.
-The parents of the little girl are quite extroverted and loud, while I prefer keeping quiet and speaking only when I find it necessary. Still, there have been some indirect comments about how I should change so that I fit in with them.
I would really greatly appreciate an honest opinion on the issue. I know I should be more vocal and learn to be ok with arguments and conflict, it is a flaw of my character to always try to please everyone and keep things in harmony.
Thank you from the depths of my heart, I really appreciate you reading through it all, thank you :))
There are probably more details that haven't come to my mind yet but if they come up i could add them to the comment section.