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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

HELP! Negative childminder.

33 replies

VictoriaB02 · 17/01/2020 10:25

I started back at work 2 weeks ago and my 10 month old DS is with the childminder 3 days a week (today is day 6).

The first day when I went to collect him the childminder stated he had been really clingy and she couldn't put him down all day which was challenging for her with other kids. He is only really like this with me when he isn't feeling well.

Every day when we collect him she states that he has been really clingy and upset. When I collected him yesterday she said that she has hurt her shoulder having to cary him around so much and she can't even take the other kids to the bathroom without him having a melt down.

Today he was dropped off and hadn't been there for an hour before I got a message saying he had been really needy.

She has asked if I will stop picking him up when he gets upset to make it easier for her and she is going to leave him to cry rather than picking him up as well.

I feel like she is so negative and I have to remind myself that he is only 10 months old and it's common for them to go through separation anxiety at this stage however he is absolutely fine at home. It's making me feel so guilty and like I have done something wrong as a parent to make him be this way.

I don't know whether he will be better suited at a nursery where there are more people around to distract him. Anyone any advice?

OP posts:

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Bonkerz · 17/01/2020 10:28

At this age they do go through bad separation anxiety. The childminder should know this is normal. She should only have 2 other children and if she doesn't want to carry him around she should be sat on the floor with him. It can take weeks for a child of this age to settle and it is exhausting but I'd be concerned that his needs are not being met. She needs to be building her bond not pushing him away.
I'm not sure a nursery can offer more but this childminder sounds like she's stretched herself too thin.

SnugStars · 17/01/2020 10:28

Possibly a nursery would be better, but either way I’d be taking him out as soon as you can arrange other childcare. Leaving a 10 month old to cry because it’s more convenient for her is terrible care in my opinion! Don’t let her make you feel bad, he’s just a baby and he’s trying to form a new attachment to her without you around. It’s very early days and she should be being kind and distracting him etc.

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2020 10:30

How is she negative if she's just telling you what's happened, would you rather she didn't tell you?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/01/2020 10:31

That’s harsh. I’m currently settling an 11 month old and yes she’s clingy and settling but it’s exactly what I expect. I’m honest with mum about how she has been but try to reassure her that it’s very normal and I send pics of her happy and playing when I can.

It is tough having a clingy one, sometimes you do just have to pop them down to see to the other children but I’m not really sure what your cm was expecting!

userabcname · 17/01/2020 10:32

Personally I would look for another childminder or nursery setting and talk through the situation with them to see how they would deal with the clinginess. 10 months is prime time for separation anxiety so to me it seems normal and I don't think your current childminder is being very sympathetic. I appreciate children have to be left when others are being dealt with but it seems extreme to say at home you shouldn't pick him up! DS was clingy when he first started with his childminder but she was understanding and kind and he came on in leaps and bounds with his confidence after a bit of a shaky start.

ApacheEchidna · 17/01/2020 10:42

that isn't a good childminder for a 10mo. did you use all your 12 months of Mat Leave and do you have some annual leave in-hand? I think you need to remove your child from that setting immediately as if you have him there during contracted notice he will not be having his needs met. hopefully your employers will be ok with understanding that the childcare situation has taken an unexpected turn and you need a bit more time away to get an alternative set up.

if you have a dc2 - next time start off the settling-in a few weeks before you go back to work, with half days gradually building up while you are still on leave.

many childminders are completely fine and understanding with how clingy a baby with separation anxiety can be. you don't need to give up on childminders but this one is clearly better suited to only taking older children.

Original poster

VictoriaB02 · 17/01/2020 10:42

I do think that she has underestimated the care he will need. When I took him inone day to sign paper work she thought that he was over 1 (he is a big boy mind you!).

@pinkyredrose of course I would want to know however I think there is a nice and reassuring way to tell a parent. A few positives don't cost anything. I know I'm probably over sensitive but he is my first baby and it's hard enough going back to work and leaving him without being constantly told how difficult he has been.

OP posts:

Original poster

VictoriaB02 · 17/01/2020 10:45

@ApacheEchidna I think I'm going to have to take some time off. My sister has also offered to help and he is absolutely fine when he is with her and my niece.

The settling in sessions she offered were an hour at a time and he was fine during these times although I think it was more the novelty of being somewhere new for a short period of time!

OP posts:

SparkyBlue · 17/01/2020 10:48

That's fairly normal behaviour for a baby that age I have a ten month old and she is currently like that and so were my other children . I'd be looking for alternative childcare if I were you. She sounds very unprofessional.

jessycake · 17/01/2020 10:50

When I worked in nursery it would sometimes take two to three weeks for them to settle and even then occasionally some would cry for a short while on being left . I understand that the childminder can't carry him all day , but to suggest you don't pick him up is bizarre . I would be looking for a different carer and explain the situation

MustardScreams · 17/01/2020 10:53

That’s crap childcare tbh. Dd was super clingy and unsettled for the first 3-4 weeks of nursery, but her key worker cuddled her and reassured her as much as she needed. And they certainly never complained about it!

Have you got other childcare options in the area?

Beseen19 · 17/01/2020 10:53

I had the worlds clingiest DS who went to nursery at 9 months. Cried at drop off for a long time and every day they just wrote in his activities for the day 'lots of cuddles'. As he got more independent they let me know when things were improving. It took a lot longer than most kids but he ended up loving nursery and it was definitely the right thing him going there.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/01/2020 11:06

One of the many reasons I prefer a nursery to a childminder, I really didnt want my child to become clingy to one child-carer. I would rather a school type of environment with lots of children. At the least Id look at a more empathetic childminder, if you dont feel comfortable with her demeanour then move on

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 17/01/2020 11:16

Seek an alternative.

Now - in her defence - “leaving him to cry” may have to be the way it is if she’s being demanded by other children BUT whilst honesty is good it sounds like she’s telling you without telling you IYSWIM he’s too much for her.

That’s on her for not realising that 9/10mo is peak seperation anxiety age.

IMVHO he’d probably fare better in nursery.

And for you. You can’t win when it comes to going back to work with a baby: put them in at 6 months and you get folk raising their eyebrows and judging.
Put them in at the “normal” 9-14 month window and their separation anxiety peaks around then, it’s shit.

IME, it’s a phase that’s over pretty quickly but upsetting in the short time it’s taking place.

Good luck OP

Echobelly · 17/01/2020 11:17

That doesn't seem on to make you feel awkward about his fairly natural behaviour under the circumstances. I think you need to find someone more sympathetic/better attuned to little ones.

Haworthia · 17/01/2020 12:52

She’s not doing a very good job of concealing how much she dislikes caring for him, is she?

Jeez. Of course it’s stressful when a baby cries all the time and you have to carry them everywhere when you have other/better things to do, but to actually suggest you neglect him at home so he’ll learn to be less demanding is ludicrous! He’s a baby and he’s struggling to settle, like most babies would. You definitely need to find someone better.

Kaykay066 · 17/01/2020 12:58

She sounds awful my first childminder with my eldest son was absolutely wonderful, nurturing and kind and my son settled really well (son is 18 now) still friends with her now. He was an only child at the time and went full time with her kids youngest was 2 others were at school, then another small child he had to learn to be part of a group of kids and she took him out and cooked amazing meals. Look about for someone else, it could be he needs longer to settle but she doesn’t sound very caring or patient.

user1493413286 · 17/01/2020 13:05

I’d be looking for someone else. My childminder would have days like that with my DD but she didn’t put it across negatively or make me feel it was a problem.

jannier · 17/01/2020 19:35

I've had clingy babies obviously there are times you have to let them cry....seeing to another child for example, but you do it sensitively and reassuringly. Thoese babies are now 12 and 8 and the most confident children.
I would find another cm...they need s close bond to build their self esteem and confidence not to be handed around many different people....be Frank with ehobyou look at and do more settling at babies pace if possible....I do an hour then if it goes well 2 to 3 hours over a feed and or sleep then longer how many and how long depending on baby. Something that smells of mummy often helps.

jannier · 17/01/2020 19:43

@OnlyFoolsnMothers.
Babys go through the clingy attachment stage for a reason and it's important for their development to support a good attachment with their carers it's not about the carer taking parents place in baby affections....that never happens. An attempt for nurseries to support attachment is the key worker but many can not do this becouse of staffing issues and use it more for admin and paperwork. A good nursery will get the key worker to do the bonding just as a childminder would but as they tend to have aged rooms it can be harder if they have 3 babies each going through the same stage you cant cuddle and play with 3 as easily as use a sling and play with 2 toddlers.

Glenthebattleostrich · 17/01/2020 19:45

Babies are hard work, especially when they first start. Personally I pop them in a sling so they are cuddled and I can play with other children. Sometimes they also have to go on my back so I can do nappies, toileting etc.

Children need to build a secure bond with their carers,byes it's hard and it's exhausting but it's up to me to ensure the relationship thrives (with my babies!) Yes it's tough but I always praise how well the children are doing, even when they've screamed all day.

Look for another childminder, this one isn't a good fit for your family.

Starlight456 · 18/01/2020 22:31

As others have said 10 months is the hardest age to start childcare.

They are clingy.

Every time I get an under one I remember how intensive it is . That is why cm’s can only have one( Excluding twins)

Original poster

VictoriaB02 · 21/01/2020 22:02

Thanks all for your messages. The childminder has handed her notice in with us as he is negatively impacting her health and the care she can provide to the other kids.

Appreciate all your advise and will be looking for another option.

OP posts:

Apple40 · 22/01/2020 09:23

Sadly in the past I have given notice to a family who’s little one cried none stop from 8 am - 6 pm 5 days a week , 5 months later no better, I was stressed, could not eat and so had lost half stone in weight, dreaded each week my own kids took to hiding upstairs for the day. But final straw for me was dads attitude, I tried speaking to him to see if we could work together to help little one settle, to have him square up to me, poke me in the chest and be informed we pay you to look after him, now put up , and shut. I was left shaking and very scared, He was hand notice when he collected the at night.

wakemewhenitsallover · 22/01/2020 09:30

I left my clingy 10 month old with a CM who waa absolutely lovely and worked to get her settled. She used to send me updates about how she was doing that were really positive.

This CM is totally unprofessional. Asking you not to comfort your own child - WTF.

It's a good thing she's given you notice as then there's no conversation to be had about you breaking any contract as she's done it so that's one less thing to worry about.

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