Cannot decide what to do

[ellejay33]

I know this will have been discussed hundreds of times but I am stressing out so much.

LO is 11 months old. I go back to work next month 3 days a week. I am feeling horrendously guilty. I understand most people don't have the luxury of taking a years leave and returning part time, I am very grateful that I can do so.

The 2 main things I am worrying about are:

1. Should I be going back? We can technically afford it if I didn't go back, however I would be using some savings and we wouldn't have any extra money for a holiday or luxuries. I have to go back for 4 months due to the contract I signed but at the minute I am thinking "I will just get the 4 months over with and quit and stay at home and think about work again when he's a bit older". The other part of my brain is thinking I need adult socialising, to use my brain, to contribute to the family financially etc and that it will do me some good to get back to work.

I honestly don't know what to do, I feel so guilty either way.

1. Have I chosen correctly? I have picked a childminder as I thought it would be good to be more home-like as LO is still quite young. I have worked in nursery settings and will definitely send him to one when he's older. Now i'm worrying if I've made the correct decision.

Basically I feel really pathetic and understand all mums who return to work will go through this but every time I think about it I look at him and burst into tears. I'm not usually like this!

Your plan sounds fine and four months sounds like long enough to see what is going well and critically evaluate. Feelings are normal - he's precious 🙂

I'm a SAHM of a one year old.

My reassurance would be that

1. it's totally possible to get plenty of adult conversations and brain-challenges as a SAHM, but you'd need to take the initiative and make more of an effort to do so than if you were working

2. I value the extra time with my toddler far more than the luxuries we sacrifice for me to be at home. (I'm aware we're in a privileged position that my potential salary isn't vital).

3. I guess my financial contribution is the thousands we save in childcare!

However

1. I think it's only really safe to consider being a SAHM if you have the protection of being married.

2. you need to work out if it would be possible for you to pick your career back up at a later date.

Good luck deciding!

If you didn’t go back and your dh suddenly got ill/lost his job could you afford to keep everything afloat until things worked out?

I always think it’s better to be working if you can, just for the security. I felt the exact same way before I went back to work, but dd adores nursery and it was by the best decision for us.

Give it the 4 months, see where you’re at. If it’s not working you can decide a plan of action from there. But don’t feel guilty!

For me personally part time working is the best. Time away from my children makes me a better mother with them, as I find being at home every day a bit relentless. However you are still home more than at work which means work dominates life less. A childminder you are happy with is great, they can really form a bond. It's an emotional time. Just put the decision on hold for a bit and see how it works for you.

Thank you guys! I think I just need other mums to tell me I'm not being insane. I don't earn loads but yes, would be a huge buffer if husband lost his job for some reason. If not, I think we would struggle. I think a good way to go into it will be to think "It's 4 months, if it doesn't work out I have the option of quitting and rethinking".

It's so difficult because pre-baby I was very much on the 'I will go back to work' train but obviously everything changes. A lot of my friends are very career focussed so have had baby and gone back to work and I totally agree that staying at home all day every day with LO is quite relentless!

Give it a go for the four months and see how you feel. I didn't like leaving my child in any sort of childcare setting so I found it difficult. I chose nursery over childminders as I preferred the idea that there were more eyes and more accountability rather than just trusting one person

@fringeforever that's exactly what i'm second guessing now. I don't think I'll ever come to a decision that I'm 100% with!

@ellejay33 you probably won't as nothing is ever good enough for your child tbh. Have you viewed any nurseries? I looked at about ten and chose one that had quite a homely feel. I also rationalised that it was probably good for her to have something 'different' from home. But the accountability thing was my main reason

@fringeforever the nurseries on my commute to work aren’t brilliant so I’d end up going way out of my way to take him to a good one. Whereas the childminder I have found seems very good but again I worry about accountability and transparency.

@ellejay33 I feel for you. It's a very difficult choice. I drove myself nuts with it

1. While you can technically afford it in reality you can't if you are relying on savings to fund you staying at home. If your OH lost his job/got seriously ill/died then you wouldn't have these savings to fall back on.
2. If you felt OK with the CM and got references then should be fine.

@colafreezepop you're totally right. It's 100% the most sensible option. The childminder seems lovely and is on my street (!!). I think I'll feel bad whatever I do tbh.

Many eyes does not mean safety things happen in nursery with staff being unaware or too worried about jobs to whistleblow and behind closed doors means less to be seen. Any setting or home or friends can have risk go with what is comfortable and feels right. Put risk into perspective. Your much less likely to have anything untoward happen (yes keep an open mind) than media suggests....a close bond with a consistent adult is far more beneficial to a young child than being handed around various staff and agency cover each day.

Ellejay33 your post has hit home for me. I have a 9 month old and I am due to go back to work in March after the 52 weeks. Initially I was going to go back after 39 weeks when SMP ended but I was lucky enough that my husband said that we would manage for the last three months so I could stay home with little one. I am due to have a return to work meeting by the end of the month and will request to return part time and don’t really have a plan of action re childcare. Like you I have signed a contract to return but mine is 6 months and if I decide to quit I have to give 3 months notice. Although I am not thinking of quitting for various reasons.

I have viewed a few nurseries and asked for advice from neighbours with kids who have given opinions in favour of nursery and CM. Initially I was against CMs because I didn’t want little one to become too dependent on a single person. Ratio wise having looked into it the CMs have 4 registered places - so similar to a nursery really who have a ratio of 3:1. I still need to look into CMs further but if they were ill and were unable to have the child what would happen? At least in a nursery there would be sufficient cover. @fringeforever also makes points I agree with in the sense of accountability and so forth..

I guess it’s important not to second guess your decision. Hopefully it will all fall into place for you.

I'm sure you've found a lovely childminder. Try not to worry too much. Ask her how she communicates about your child's day. Maybe she could WhatsApp you a couple of photos in the first days to reassure you.

I'd do it. It's harder to restart a career later if you have a long full stop. If you can even just keep it ticking over part time or lower band just to keep your hand in you'll be more financially secure in the future and less dependent, and however nice our partners are it doesn't pay to be too dependent in my opinion. Guilt is normal but it will pass when you get a bit of space back. Good luck!

If you don't go back you'll be financially dependent on a man who you have a 50 percent chance of staying with, of course you have to return to work!

Thanks guys! Totally agree about keeping my hand in part time even just to make it easier to stay in this career. As once he’s in nursery full time etc I would want to return to work full time.

@Grobagsforever
thats not strictly true in my case but yes, would rather have the financial security of a job, whether that be part time or full

Don't feel guilty. Does your husband feel guilty about going to work? I'm guessing not.

Working will bring many benefits not just financial. It's actually easier to work when they're little. It's when they're at school you need the flexibility. I found it much easier to negotiate flexibility when I'd already proven I was a good, reliable worker.

Personally, we chose a nursery because they're open all year round and don't close because of sickness.

My DS started nursery full time at 10 months and absolutely thrived. I was a better parent for working too.

It's because you're so bonded. After a while in work, you'll relish exercising bits of your brain that you haven't used recently, having conversations with adults, being the person you used to be before you became someone's mother.

Financially, it isn't just about income, it's about pension and NI contributions too.

And I also think it's really healthy for children to not view their mothers (and by extension all women) as the sexual whose sole purpose is to run around after them.

@CosmoK very good points. You’re right about going back now so that in 3 years I can negotiate more flexible work.

@Clymene that’s one of the main reasons I want to go back. I love spending time with him but i think it will be so much better for me to have other elements to my life aside from ‘mum’. It’s just the guilt of saying that! Even though we shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Will probably do him good to socialise and not be with me 24/7.

@Littlemunchkinsmummy.
The usual ratio for a childminder is 1 adult to 3 under 5 of which 1 can be under 1. There is a possibility of an exception but that should not be the norm.
Most childminders are rarely Ill you can meet their other parents get references and ask....many also have co minders(registered fully in own right) or assistants others often network and will offer some chance of emergency care with other registered minders that you will have met and your child will know really well.
Many parents worry lo will mistake their carer for a parent or love them more, this never happens lo always loves you most a childminder is just like visiting nanny or aunty lovely fun but not home. What is good for them is the person who brought them in said goodbye to parent with them is the same one who is with them all day who helps them and cuddles them when sad until mummy or daddy come back, there not passed to one of 4 or 5 others

@Littlemunchkinsmummy

The childminder ratios are as quoted by @jannier are correct. What is more, they apply to childminders working directly with the children.

Nurseries ratios are less straightforward. They vary according to staff qualifications, opening hours, all sorts of things. They can be as high as 1 adult to 13 children. Those staff don’t have to be with the appropriately aged children, as ratios are assessed across the whole premises.

In practice, many nurseries are in severe financial difficulties. This has resulted in a worrying trend where they don’t cover staff sicknesses and just operate on excessively high ratios.

@jannier @itsaboojum thank you for this is really helpful. I have worked in a nursery before and unfortunately have witnessed them not covering staff sickness and children being passed around 4 people. Obviously this isn’t true for all nurseries but one of the reasons I initially wanted a childminder while he’s very young. Would hopefully send him to nursery when he’s 3 etc

I go in as an assessor to various settings as my other non cm job so see good and bad practice in both but I've seen fewer nurseries I would put a child in. As an assessor the managers are not out to impress me so I see what it's really like for children and staff. Theres a lot of corner cutting. As a cm most of my children have stayed through to reception year 2 left for nursery but were pulled out I had space to take 1 back the other went to a friend cm. Why would you move them at 3?