DM dying in another country - what are my childcare options?

[Rainallnight]

My DM is dying and has between 6 and 9 months left to live. She lives in a different country.

I live in London and have two DC aged 1.5 and 3.5. DP works full time in a full-on job. I normally work part time but am on leave with DS at the moment. DD goes to pre-school in the mornings.

My problem is that we have no childcare cover for me to go and visit my DM. Obviously I can go at weekends when DP is around but (a) it’s not always weekends I’m needed and (b) DP ends up really knackered doing solo childcare all weekend.

We can spend some money to solve this problem but I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Right now, a three day stint once a fortnight looking after both DC would be perfect.

But as my DM declines, I’ll need to spend longer over there with her, and the trips will become more unpredictable (ie for emergencies).

We could just get a nanny three days a week from the off, but that seems a little wasteful just now when we don’t need all that time. And it doesn’t solve the problem of the unpredictability of the later months.

Both DC are adopted and while they’re wonderfully settled, they wouldn’t do well with random different people every week.

Does anyone have any ideas? I’ve been going round and round in circles in my head and it’s getting really urgent now as my DM is very poorly.

Is it practical to take your DC with you?

Could your husband not take time off work?

Sorry you’re losing your mum. Do you have any other family who might help? A sort of cobbled arrangement with some babysitter time, some relatives and your dh?

I don't think you can have a plan right now that can also work for last minute emergencies. You might need a couple of different options. I think it's best to establish something now that works and then try out some flexibility within that to prepare them for the future. For example, go on weekends, then change to one weekend day and two weekdays or vary which days. That will already be quite a change for them. Come up with a visual aid so your daughter knows where you are going to be when - sticker charts, number of sleeps etc etc. Get her used to face timing/skype/whatever works for you.

The key will be making the kids feel comfortable and secure with when you go off. If the only way to make that happen is for your husband to be with them, then you need to look at a mother's help or some other support to help him at weekends if he finds it too tiring. Just having him around and visible might be enough.

Where is your mum? Alternatively, is there any way you can take one or both kids with you and establish a childcare solution over there?

Otherwise, I think you need to start building up with a nanny or childminder over here and have regular days. Does the pre-school have people there who your daughter likes and trusts and who might be happy for some extra income?

If so, is there any way your husband could work from home on a morning or two to look after the little one and then go in to work for the afternoon and the childcare kick in then?

Good luck, not an easy time.

M sorry your going through this difficult time.
I'd look at getting childcare as above. A childminder could do the school runs and day time childcare and meals.
Your husbands probably going to have to suck it up like many single working parents who work full time do all the childcare and housework.

I’m so sorry about your mum

I would talk to some local childminders - some can be extremely flexible- about them taking your DC Monday Tuesday then you could be away M/T or S/M/T or S/S/M/T & later if necessary it would only mean your DH taking a Friday off to have you clear for 5 days.
Or maybe you could see if anyone nearby needs a nanny share?