Au pair here, advice needed

[Nitrogen2]

I'm a 30+ year old woman who's been in the "biz" for 5 odd years. I'm leaving personal information intentionally vague because I don't know who reads here.

Anyhoo, currently I've been working in a single mom household, the kid is 11. I'm not dissatisfied with anything, but I have a problem with the mom trying to push a narrative that I'm some kind of a surogate parent (direct quote). I'm absolutely NOT okay with that. I have ZERO interest in anything like that. It's not the kid, he's okay, but I feel like things are being pushed onto me. When I came here, I expressed that I'm not interested in maintaining a "family member" dynamic. I'm aware it's your child, but to me - it's a job. A way to make a living. I take it extremely seriously and come highly recommended, but ultimately, my responsibilities have to end somewhere and sometime.

I'm exhausted with all this, with these constant pressure to almost co-parent. Yet again, zero interest in that. I'm worried that if I broach the subject, it will end up in the parent feeling rejected and insulted, as if I'm trying to infer that I don't care about the child. I do, but I have no intention of assuming a parental role.

Is there any way to go about this sensitively and reasonably, or do I need to more or less start packing? Thank you for any help and advice.

I get the hours thing, but what's the point of that when her explanation is "I got stuck at work"? You can have things on paper a million times over, but if the parent isn't showing up as arranged, it's virtually void and useless.

I cannot see how you meet the definition of an au pair.

The mother is being unreasonable in asking you to work these hours as they are completely outside what would be expected as an au pair.

You are being completely unreasonable stating you are an au pair when you don't meet any of the definitions of one.

You and her need to draw up a new contract of employment based on your actual legal employment status. Or you need a new job as a part time live in nanny.

We can try that, I'm open to it because I'm legally employed as an apprentice for my other job, and have been approved by the council. Taxes or papers are not the issue for me, who cares, I'll pay my dues. I think it's just a nomenclature issue at this point because I came here from the previous family as an au pair and stayed in that status here too.

If you have that unpredictable a job you hire a live-in nanny, or you organise other childcare for after hours, or you beg (actual) family to help, or you pay overtime as a one-off. And if it's as regular as you say then it isn't just getting stuck by accident once or twice. It's a habit.

But do you actually want to continue working for her as a live in nanny though?

To be honest, I feel a moral obligation to the boy. He's going to high school next year so I'd be staying until July anyway. I'd feel wrong leaving him. There's a number of problems with him, behavioural and otherwise, and I feel that leaving him in the care of some bumbling teenager who doesn't know what they're doing would weigh heavy on me. I'm trying to stick it out, but I'm exhausted. My partner is exhausted, my family are worried, and ultimately, that's not why I left my life behind and came to this country for.

You dont seem very happy with this set up, can you look for a job else where?

You didn't make that clear in your first post. Yes she is taking the piss. You need to say something to her.

Yeah, I can. I mean, all I want is for her to come home after work at a reasonable and consistent hour. I don't need more money, I don't care whether I'm called an au pair or a nanny, I just want her to be here and take over. Last night I sat with him until his bedtime, the mom hasn't showed up from work until at least 23. Wouldn't know, I went to bed. This morning she slinked off to work without a good morning to him even. Not only am I wrecked because I'm hyperaware that I'm alone in the house with him overnight and I have problems sleeping, but the next day he's sad, pissed off and confused over not having seen her or talked to her. Guess who's left to spend the whole next afternoon and evening wrangling those emotions? Me. Cool.

Poor boy. This is really sad. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.

I think your only options are laying down the law and putting a proper contract in place. And enforcing it.

Or you leave.

I think you need to count up your hours that you are in sole care and present this to her. It's absolutely unacceptable. Every hour you're in charge of him on your own counts as you being "on duty" - in my au pair contract anything beyond the contracted 35 hours counts as babysitting, is paid extra and is only as mutually agreed ie. I can't just tell her "oh I'm not home until 23h tonight" unless it is a true dire emergency.

Calculate how much you are owed and show her. Hopefully it will give her a wake-up call.

I'm not going to get into whether or not you owe the boy anything or feel bad for him. It's really sad for him but it's not a situation of your making. You have an opportunity to help him here by telling the mum it's unacceptable to leave him guessing where she is and when he'll next see her.

I have had to go days without seeing my kids for work, when travelling or closing a deal or whatever but I always told them where I was and when I'd see them next. And my kids are still little, at 11 I'd be calling my son directly every night if I was away unexpectedly.

If you’re working over 25 hours a week or being paid over 120 week then you’re not an au pair - you’re an employee and should be paying national insurance.

Even long term qualified nannies I know well wouldn't tolerate such long and inconsistent work timings from a parent of their charge.
Saying an Au Pair is akin to a family member means they are not to be treated as an employee and neglected from family life, they are with a host family to be with people from a different culture and to speak them, eat the same food and learn the ins and ours of that way of life. It's in exchange for light housework and basic childcare, NOT nannying, NOT co-parenting and although an au pair lives in the same property it does not mean they have huge amounts of responsibility outside the 30ish hours plus one or two nights baby sitting.

If the mum is working 4 hours every night until 10pm which is what you suggest I think @Nitrogen2 this would fall into the category of babysitting. An au pair would work mainly in the daytime.
The mum needs to re consider her work hours and child care requirements.
Meanwhile I think it is unusual to have older aupair, especially if they are not overseas students and it is possible to reach a nature end to a career and need to 'upgrade' it or change it altogether. I think you may be better, with your experience to consider seeking a new position as a nanny rather than aupair and ensuring your have a clearly defined contract including work hours in your new job.

I'm going to go through what the agency I started through years back and see what the possible proposals are for a situation like this.

To add insult to injury, the other parent has sadly passed away and the boy is extremely attached to his mom. I'm talking physically hanging on to her, kissing her on the lips and trying to get her attention in similar physical ways. There is no way I can in any way help with that and replace her. As a result of this, as well as the trauma of losing his dad, he emotionally overeats and is obese. He's prepubescent because of obesity and has pretty bad crying tantrums. Not only do I desperately need her guidance, but I'm also in no capacity qualified to deal with this. I'm doing what I can, I'm hiding sweets or leaving them out of reach to help him reach health goals, but then his mom wants to make up for her absence, which usually ends with a visit to the drive through. And here we are, square one. I just don't know.

Sorry i misunderstood. You are working until 6.30 or 11pm. Tell the mum you have joined a class, booked your friend for babysitting nightly, they will arrive at 6.30 and charge 'xx babysitting rate per hour. She will realise that equates to possibly 20 hours. In my area that would be about 12 per hour. She probably wouldn't be at work down the pub so long.

You need to write it down. Detail every little thing. Write down all of your concerns about the child. He probably needs counselling and I suspect so does she.
Explain every concern of yours point by point, what is the exact problem, what you see as a solution and what she needs to do to remedy it. You need to leave out anger and personal feeling/attack as much as you can.
You need to insist on a meeting.
Do you have a family diary? Put it in so there is no avoiding it for her.
Ultimately you need to look for a different job.
There are lots of lovely nannies many I've met who are really happy to be live-in and are delighted to undertake a co-parenting role. She needs one of these. U
you dont need this job.
The child will be happier with a truly devoted co-parent mum or grandma nanny on board. I've met some who are total replacement parents Its sad.

He won't be happy with that. He's terrified of losing his mom as suddenly as he did his dad, and adding more strangers on top of all the au pairs he's had before me will not change anything. If anything, it'll make it worse. He knows me really well from having worked for his first cousins for years, so at least he has a bit of comfort and familiarity with me.

His cousins are also a single parent household, but we had a different relationship, so much so that one of the kids asked if they could call me Mommy. I'm not unemotional or distant, I'm trying to set boundaries because this child has been through enough without the additional confusion of "surogacy".

Some of the initial responses to this are horrible! Of course it's not OP's job to parent the boy!! Au Pairs get shit pay and should not be expected to be a surrogate parent and look after a child until 10pm!!

Shame on the people suggesting this is a problem with OP, something tells me that those posters are perhaps the type to expect their childminders to fix their cars and wax their floorboards during their lunch breaks?

OP, I don't have advice on how to deal with this other than to lay out your concerns for the child and explain that you simply cannot be a parent to him whilst remaining professional. His mum needs to step up.

You are in the right, don't listen to people telling you that you're not suited to being an Au Pair.

Can you ask your agency for advice?

Yeah, I'll reach out to my agency. It's just a very difficult conversation that could go really badly. Parents usually don't take too kindly to being told they're not acting right by their child. I don't really know how to approach that.

I have a feeling she saw how things were between me and her nephew and niece and expected a carbon copy of that with her son. The major difference is that the feelings of love and attachment that sometimes prompted me to take their care a step further and act as a proxy mom came organically, out of our mutual respect, love and friendship. It wasn't explicitly expected of me, it just happened. I can imagine she's disappointed when she sees me rolling my eyes when she pulls up at whatever random time she's done with work, but those misplaced expectations aren't my problem.

Just to row in , I would leave the job if I were you . Of course give notice and explain to the boy that you are moving on. I think the mum is totally taking the p* and sounds like an emotionally and physically absent parent . In regards to your first post , you’re exactly what I would want in a nanny /aupair . I would certainly not want my child feeling that her nanny was equal to mum and dad and honestly I would much prefer to have someone who has their own life and interests outside of our family . That’s healthy for everyone involved .

I think you need to let her know that you came to her with the expectation that your terms would be the similar to those you had with your previous employer, i.e. X hours per week, with a finishing time of 6:30 pm at the latest, with weekends off. If your prior family paid extra for weekend babysitting or for more than a minimum number of hours per week, explain that too. I think if you put it in the context of expecting some continuity since she knows what your prior arrangements were with her relatives, that should help. I think it might help if you conduct yourself professionally in this discussion, use the terminology that you are comfortable with and make a few things clear, e.g. 'I enjoy looking after Johnny during my working hours', 'I'm afraid I have other commitments on the weekends and cancelling these has been resulting in a loss of income for me', etc. If she can't handle that and continues to take advantage of you / treat you like a co-parent, I would find another position. Do make sure to get an agreement in writing next time!

She is really, really taking the piss. Talking to the agency is a good idea as is carefully logging what is happening. In the mean time I’d tell her that you want to cut back the numbers of evenings you are working. If possible I’d suggest a high evening or out of hours rate - if it’s high enough it might make her think a bit more about how she is inconveniencing you. Depends what’s in the contract though.