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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au pair here, advice needed

48 replies

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 12:54

I'm a 30+ year old woman who's been in the "biz" for 5 odd years. I'm leaving personal information intentionally vague because I don't know who reads here.

Anyhoo, currently I've been working in a single mom household, the kid is 11. I'm not dissatisfied with anything, but I have a problem with the mom trying to push a narrative that I'm some kind of a surogate parent (direct quote). I'm absolutely NOT okay with that. I have ZERO interest in anything like that. It's not the kid, he's okay, but I feel like things are being pushed onto me. When I came here, I expressed that I'm not interested in maintaining a "family member" dynamic. I'm aware it's your child, but to me - it's a job. A way to make a living. I take it extremely seriously and come highly recommended, but ultimately, my responsibilities have to end somewhere and sometime.

I'm exhausted with all this, with these constant pressure to almost co-parent. Yet again, zero interest in that. I'm worried that if I broach the subject, it will end up in the parent feeling rejected and insulted, as if I'm trying to infer that I don't care about the child. I do, but I have no intention of assuming a parental role.

Is there any way to go about this sensitively and reasonably, or do I need to more or less start packing? Thank you for any help and advice.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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underneaththeash · 11/12/2019 13:29

Au pairs are meant to be part of the family OP. In the UK and most other parts of the world, it's also not a job, very few people would make money from it or consider it a way to make a living. Au pairs in the UK are given pocket money and are not considered employees - it's supposed to be an cultural experience, living with a family.

Where are you based?

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 13:38

Yes, it's partly a way to make a living, because I also have another part-time job. Those incomes combined make for a decent living.

Moving on from finances, that dynamic is understandable if your au pair is a homesick teenager, but with me that's clearly not the case. I'm based in the UK.

My first red flag came when the mom said she's busy working over the week, but she "has him" over the weekend. Here I was, thinking that when you have a child you "have" them for a lifetime. Next she tried to suggest that it basically doesn't matter who's with the child, me or her, because it's essentially the same thing. If I were remotely interested in that level of engagement, I'd have children of my own.

OP posts:

Llareggub · 11/12/2019 13:41

It doesn’t sound like the job for you.

Thestrangestthing · 11/12/2019 13:43

I don't think I would want you to be my child's au pair

JenniferM1989 · 11/12/2019 13:43

So you're a part time nanny, not an au pair then?

Lulualla · 11/12/2019 13:44

It sounds like you want to be a nanny, not an aunt pair, but you just dont want to pay tax?

hopeishere · 11/12/2019 13:45

Yeah it's not maybe the right fit for you both.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 13:46

Why not? I've successfully been doing it for over five years, three of which I spent with one family who were very satisfied with my services. I've never skipped from home to home. I think this is just way OTT, not to mention that the assumption that it's all the same if a parent or an au pair is with the child for a huge chunk of the day is cringy, unemotional and, well, wrong.

OP posts:

NannyR · 11/12/2019 13:47

Maybe you might be ready for a live out nanny job where you can do your job and clock off at 6pm.
It sounds like that's how you see the job rather than an au pair who is there to live as part of the family and learn about a new culture. Plus, as a nanny you would get a better rate of pay.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 13:49

There's no clocking off. This woman shows up whenever. It doesn't work for me, but more importantly, for the child, who is upset, confused and sad over it.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 13:54

I think the mum is massively taking the piss and expecting you to do proxy parenting, which is really not what au pairs are for.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 13:56

If anyone is trying to say that me reacting angrily to her being absent for 15+ hours a day, only to reply to her kid that it doesn't really matter because Nitrogen2 is with him, then I'm obviously in the wrong. To me, it's insidious, but hey ho.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 11/12/2019 13:59

15 plus hours a day is taking the piss. She needs a nanny. Poor kid.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 14:07

To further clarify the situation, the family I was with before this are related to this family. I worked as an au pair there and came here under the same conditions. Throughout the years I was with Family 1, the mom of this family tried to multiple times get me to transfer here, but I had a commitment to the family I was with. When my engagement there finished, I agreed to come here because their previous au pair had visa problems and had to leave the country. Not in my wildest dreams could I have known that I'd be saddled with this amount of work, otherwise I'd have run fast and far. Also gives additional context as to why this topic is hard to talk about - I've been with the family for literal years.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 14:08

What was the original agreement re:hours?

NannyR · 11/12/2019 14:11

I've worked in several nanny jobs where the parents are fairly absent and children seem to come low down in their priorities, but sadly that's just part of being a nanny - you can't change the parents and it's not your job to. Your job is to do the best you can for the children whilst they are in your care, even if you disagree strongly with how the parents are bringing up their children.

However this is a lot easier if you know what you are getting into from the start - if you sign up for a live in nanny job, you know the hours are going to be long but you will be well paid for it. If you sign up for an au pair position, where you are expecting to do a couple of hours light housework and babysitting and get paid some pocket money and board for it, but then find yourself doing 15 hour days then I can see why you are angry.

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 14:11

I am a single mum and if I had an au pair I would never expect her to co-parent! you can be 'part of the family' without being a co-parent. Talk to the mum saying you are not comfortable with the narrative and if nothing changes leave.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 14:13

There was none, but I was assured the working hours were until 18:30 at the latest, with the caveat that the boy had a myriad of hobbies and after school activities, which will enable me to more flexibly arrange time.

The real situation? Working hours are until anywhere between 18:30-22, the child has no hobbies or activities to speak of, she's going out every other weekend despite me working at my other job weekends, which cuts off my income because I can't come in (no, the babysitting is not being paid extra).

OP posts:

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 14:16

I also was an au pair and being part of the family meant sharing meals, looking after the kids but not being a parent. Also my hours and duties were clearly defined. Legally I don't think an au pair is suppose to work more than 35 hours a week.

Mumdiva99 · 11/12/2019 14:19

You are not an au pair - you don't meet the criteria. You are either an employee or a self employed nanny. For the first there should be a contract of employment and for the second you would probably have provided your own SLA. www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs This will determine the hours to be worked.

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 14:22

Yeah time for a frank chat I think - up to you whether to line up another job or not first but I think you probably should.

Original poster

Nitrogen2 · 11/12/2019 14:24

I'm just worried that if I don't do this, the whole situation is going to affect the family I came here from and that it will all turn into a massive sh*tshow.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 14:24

Also it's a good time of year to find a new position as people whose au pairs may not have worked out will probably be looking for a new one after the Christmas break. See the last post in the thread immediately below this one in the au pairs section!!

underneaththeash · 11/12/2019 14:24

So in order to be an au pair you have to be "treated as a member of the family" regulations are here:

www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs

Having said that that's no reason for you to be working extra hours for nothing extra without your agreement, that's taking the mickey rather than being part of the family!

As an au pair, you should be doing about 25-30 hours a week and a couple of babysit at most with at last one full day off. You need to explain to your host mum that you are not available as a proxy parent at the weekend. It may be that she needs someone willing to do that and then you can go your separate ways.

I would suggest if you do though, that you apply for a live in nanny position, sometimes people want before and after school only and that may fit in with your other job.

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 14:26

Not your problem. The person who is causing the shitshow is your host, aka your employer because you are working nanny hours and duties, not an au pair.

If you really like her and think she's just being thoughtless you could sit down and say "ok where are the afterschool activities, and FYI I am working 100 hours a week so we need to address this urgently".

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