Childcare costs my situation

[JurassicAllstar]

Hi,

I would firstly apologise for the long message and I thank those that read it and reply.
My main reason for posting this is so I can get some advice and if possible be put in my place should anyone feel I am being unreasonable, by all means be as candid as possible.

I have a daughter who is coming up 2 years old.
Her mother and myself do not live together for reasons I will explain later.
My daughter resides at her mother's place whilst I live with a family member.

My partner has 3 daughters from a previous marriage all of which go to private school.
She made it clear to me before she was pregnant that she can't have me living with her as it would effect the funding she gets to send the girls to school.
I thus spend my time between her place and my sisters, I am at my partners place for about 80% of the week.

The situation is bizarre and not ideal but the situation with the school and the benefits she gets means I am not able to live with them officially and often have my clothes in the boot of my car.
Until the girls have left school we are stuck in this situation and they still have about 6 years to go.

I pay maintenance to my partner for our daughter of £200 a month and I also help out with any additional costs that are incurred by me being at her house.
I also pay half of the monthly nursery bill which is usually in the region of £400 each.
So my monthly contribution is around £600.

I am finding each month really hard to cope financially especially toward the end of the month and I have had to put any stops on most things now.
My partner earns a lot more than me and has additional contractual perks with her employment that save her money.

My concern is that on paper we are essentially single parents and she doesn't disclose to me if she has any help towards our daughter financially.
She has since told me that I cannot claim for any benefits or tax free childcare (which I am untitled to) as it will effect the tax credits she gets for her other girls.

She owns her house and pays a mortgage on it, she has also told me she is saving for a new house.
I simply could not afford to do this and saving is out of the question for me at the moment.
She has also told me that she will need me to start paying the money into another account as she will be means tested (I think for private school funding).
It all leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth if I am honest.

Something in my gut just tells me this is wrong no matter how understanding I try to be.
Because the childcare account is in her name she is preventing me from any help I could get off the government.

To make matters worse her ex husband does not pay any maintenance to his kids as he always manages to find a loop hole.
I think this is disgusting and is stealing from his own children.

Do you think in light of this situation that a 50/50 split on the childcare bill is fair? Given that I earn a lot less and I am being prevented from claiming any help.

Paying for my daughter is not the problem, unfairness and lack of clarity is what is bugging me here.

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Many thanks.

J

Your situation sounds bizarre and I feel for you - you don’t sound very happy.

But the amount of money you are paying is fair. With nursery fees of £800 per month you are presumably both working full time? If you’re not working full time, can you take your daughter out of nursery and look after her on your days off?

It is irrelevant what another man pays or does not pay in maintenance, so try not to focus on that.

What is your relationship with the older girls? Do you consider yourself a family? Would you be happy to contribute to all the household costs (not just your own) if you moved in together?

Thanks for the reply.
I have a very good relationship with the older girls and I have no problem with them or their schooling situation.
We try to do things as a family and if I was living with them full time then I would obviously contribute to the running of the house.

What does anger me is the lack of transparency I am getting from my partner in regards to what help she already gets for our daughter.
I feel that if she is able to save whilst I am denied access to tax free childcare that there is something wrong there.
Ultimately it is my decision to contribute and I do wholeheartedly, unfortunately the deceit and control will come at a cost to our relationship I feel.

The most important thing is my daughter regardless of any injustice I may feel.

We’ve been clobbered by childcare and have just looked for the milestones. Our eldest started school in September so costs got him halved. Our youngest just turned three so come January he’ll be eligible for 30 hours. His will half in January and those milestones have kept me sane for the last two years. Next year is all about slowly knocking down the childcare debt but for you maybe just think about the year ahead. Tax free childcare is per child, I do think you should have half the monthly allowance if you don’t already.

This sounds really suspect on her behalf and I would be very cautious. If she is withholding details about family finances (and trying to game the system by the sounds of it) then I would be questioning my relationship with her long term.

Sorry you are going through this, it does sound a very unfair situation, bordering abusive on her behalf, it doesn’t really sound like a relationship at all.

Thanks for the messages.

I have been finding things more stressful recently and have been ill because of it.
My partner has since accused me of not doing enough for her other daughters even though I have always been there for them and helped when I can.
I take them to the cinema and drive the places they need to go, recently I made an outfit for one of them for a comic con and also took them to the conference.
I hate explaining this as I don't do these things to gain favour, I just want them to have a good childhood when they are often subjected to negativity and anger from their mother.

She even said in front of them the other day that she could have been whatever she wanted had she not had kids, I felt this a cruel thing to say.
I was very insulted she suggested that I need to be there for her kids more and I felt she was trying to manipulate me.

Her volatile moods have me walking on eggshells and she doesn't listen to me most the time often spending most of her time looking at her phone.
My daughter fell over today when I was looking after her and was upset. My partner snatched her off me and screamed at me saying that I am incapable of looking after her and that she just wanted 5 minutes to herself. She was so angry that she was almost screaming at me through clenched teeth.
I told her not to talk to me like that and she just said that she can speak to me however she wants.
This isn't the first time she has spoken to me like this and frequently rages at her kids in the same way.
I told her it is over between us which prompted her to tell me to piss off and get out. She said she didn't want me there.

I am not prepared to be treated that way and if I let her disrespect me like that then it shows I have no respect for myself.

Not sure what happens now but she will never apologise as she always blames others and never takes responsibility for her own short comings.

I know this is off topic but I wanted to get it off my chest.

J

she sounds very money obsessed. You shouldn’t be living like this! That’s no life.

Sounds like she is clued up and wants to have her cake and eat it.
No doubt she is claiming as a single parent somewhere and might Well be getting tax credits to help with nursery. Do you know roughly what she earns?
In all honesty you would be best off finding out what the cms say you should pay and do that.

Yes I know roughly what she is earning and I know she has recently had a 10% raise.

I have contemplated going through the cms.

In that case you can put those figures into the entitled to website which will give you an idea of what else she is getting.
Put yours into the cms website which will show you the minimum you need to pay.

Because of the current situation we can't have our daughter at nursery.

I suggested that my sister look after her as she is out of work, it is a win win situation.

My girlfriend rejected that idea stating that because my sister isn't a registered child minder then she won't get her reimbursement.

I had no idea she was getting a reimbursement on the fees and has been getting me to pay half the full fee every month for over a year now.

I feel cheated.