questionin whether it's worth having a nanny here - creates almost as many problems as it solves

[Tutter]

nanny/mothers help - works alongside me

early days yet i guess (started beginning of july) but am not sure how it's working out

ds1 (2.3yo)'s behaviour worse around her - outright rejects her for the first hour or so of the day. generally unpleasant towards her and demanding with me

i end up hovering around and feel less than confident about her starting to take him to classes etc when term time starts again (but maybe he'll be better if it's just the 2 of them???)

can it be her job to look after the baby while YOU take ds1 to classes etc? Just an idea...

How is his behaviour when you leave him alone with her?

I am a seasoned old fart in this area - sounds like he's playing up for your benefit.

Can you arrange for her to do something with him, or take him to the park as soon as she arrives, to big her up? You may have to play the 'Mummy is very boring' card, and tell him you will be spending the morning folding tea towels in his absence.

You're in the way- clear off for a few hours- go and have a cup of coffee, or leave her with both and nip out for a swim - and let her develop her own relationship with him/them. Of course he wants you if you're sat there with his newborn sibling. The nanny is bound to be a poor second. If you're not there he might give her a chance.

He probably would have played up anyway, nanny or no nanny. His whole world has been turned upside down by the arrival of a baby and also by a nanny. I agree that nanny should do lots with the baby and with both children.

My ds1 (2.9) often says that he'd rather stay at home with me than go out with his nanny. He's talking rubbish - I sit at home drafting stuff and on the phone. He goes out with the nanny to the beach, the park, swimming, shopping, softplay etc etc. Every time he comes home he runs in the front door squealing and says he's had a great time.

Give it time. It will work out. Besides, what happens if you get rid of her only to try again in 6 months time and he kicks off again? You need this help - it's really important that you try to stick with it for a little while.

Good luck.

Im sure you will find if you leave nanny and your son alone to get on with it they will do just fine....

the moment you appear his behaviour will change though. Best to keep out of the way if you cay where your son knows you cant here or see him.

Be prepared to say "your nanny is dealing with you" at the moment and also back her up 100% and he will soon stop playing up

thanks all

am finding it difficult. doesn't help that i'm battling my own stresses and emotions - new baby, lack of sleep, guilt at changing relationship wirth ds1, etc

have foudn myself worrying about his reaction to the nanny when she arrives each day (shrinks away, says "no, no, no", reaches for me) - i know it's probably to eb expected, but there's a part of me that wonders why he appears to be scared

i can't "disappear" too much as i have a newborn and so need/want to be at home a lot atm

but i shall make the effort to ask the nanny to take ds1 out more by herself

i admit i an definitely a control freak and struggel with the whole Letting Go thing

Can you set the nanny up with as many treats as possible?

Eg, she will take you to the swings, to the shop for a comic, swimming.

Take the baby to your bedroom and close the door. Or take the baby out, sit in a cafe and read.

It is a good idea for the nanny to have the baby whilst you have one to one time with ds1.

How does he react if/when you talk about the nanny in her absence?

already try to do as much of that as possible, WT (treats, fun stuff with her) but will keep it in mind

and yes, i do get her to take ds2 a couple of times a week so i can have some 1 on 1 time with ds1

difficult to gauge his reaction to talking about her tbh - his language skills aren't great

if led, he will be fairly positive (e.g. "you had fun painting today with [nanny], didn't you?") but a question such as "would you like to play with [nanny] tomorrow?" may be received with a "no"

OK, so she has become the focus of the changes going on around him, ie it's all her fault.

Does she do nursery duties? If so, get her doing as much of that as poss while you sit on sofa watching tv/reading with him.

If he's going to play up when you're both there, I think you have to minimise the time all of you spend together, at least intitially.

good question fio

no, tbh, i don't want to have a nanny - i'd love to be able to do it all myself

but i'd also like to be able to get int he shower before 10am each day, and would like ds1 to carry on with his various classes and activities, and want to be able to feed ds2 in peace

etc etc

so have opted for a nanny

do not envisage having her f/t for long (she knows this)

time will tell whether it's been a good choice i suppose

8-5 mon-fri

she is flexible, responsibility- and hours-wise

not sure what you mean by informal - fewer hours?

Why not have her for fewer hours (with correct notice for the change etc). Have her come in to take ds1 out, or have her come into to look after the baby whilst you take ds1 out.

Do you think you'd be better off if she were a housekeeper?

Would it be better if she could sort out the laundry, do sandwiches for everyone's lunch, run errands etc?

I've been in your nanny's position and, whilst it might not be the solution for you, most of the families I've worked for in similar circumstances have really needed a cleaner/shopper/cook!

I've also been a maternity nurse, paid vast amounts of money to look after one tiny baby whilst its mother runs herself into the ground trying to placate a two year old. There I am, thinking, you should ditch me and pay someone to do your ironing and get the shopping.

Sorry, that all sounds very flippant, I don't mean to be. Have a big think about what would make things easier - ie if ds1 went out each morning for an hour, someone could sort the weekly shop out, make lunch for everyone etc.

Very good point WT. A child friendly house keeper is a great idea.

Message withdrawn

Prefectly normal for DS1 to be upset at arrival of sibling - we have just gone through the same and are out the other side (they adore each other now). Especially difficult if he sees that in his eyes he has 'lost' you to Ds2. What could work well is to split the week into an organised routine - spend time wiht DS1 by himself, have nanny take Ds1 out so you can spend some time with Ds2 by yourself, have nanny help round house whilst you take both Ds1 and Ds2 out and so on. Once you get an established routine Ds will get less fretful, you'll be able to relax and i bet your nanny will be happier too.

I found that I spent slightly less time with new baby than I did with DS during first few months and it was easier all round - I think it helped him feel as if he was still 'special' (though I sometimes really struggled to hold back the urge to cuddle new baby instead of doing a spiderman jigsaw for the umpteenth time)

thanks all

it's one of those situations where it would actually be damned useful to have my mother/mil int he next village rather than hundreds of miles away

yes, a housekeeper who#s good with kids would be perfect

unfortunately my cleaner is def not the right person for that particular job...

going to stick with things as they are for a while - will bear in mind your tips