Has anyone had experience of dealing with an au pair who is not working out?

[newdocket]

Hi

We've had several au pairs, all have been great overall, we still keep in touch with most of them etc. Our new au pair started with us nearly two weeks ago and I'm increasingly sure that it is not going to work out. She is basically completely disengaged from the children and from us, does not speak at all unless spoken to, shows no initiative and comes across as really rude (in a fundamentally rude rather than down to cultural nuances kind of way). I have tried several times to ask her if she is okay, if she needs anything, has any questions etc but she just monosyllabically replies that everything is fine, no she doesn't.

I feel in my gut that this isn't going to work out but am not sure how to manage things. I think it's fairer to kind of give her a warning and a chance to turn things around but also feel that if she has to be told to engage with children as an au pair it might just be unworkable. Has anyone got any advice about how to approach things? I'd be very grateful.

Is she from an agency?

Yes, she is.

Talk to the agency in the first instance. They may recommend interviewing some others before you talk to your AP as some au pairs will read a constructive chat as being their cue to go, and then you could be left in the lurch. I do think at some point it is worth a chat with the au pair, although I have had 2 who behaved like that and they did not engage more with the kids even after I had a word, which was a real shame.

Thanks, I'll do that. I just can't get over how she is behaving, I have no idea why she wanted to be an au pair in the first place!

New it could be any number of things...she may be socially anxious or crippled with homesickness. I was a very shy young woman and can only imagine how I might have come over had I ever tried to live with a strange family.

I think, speak with the agency, let them know it's not working out....then kindly explain to the girl that you're certain she can't be happy and that it's best if she leaves.

I think some young women do it because it's "a thing"...a way to improve English...a way to travel...because they can't think of anything else to do.

We had an au pair who didn't work out. Interestingly I had a 'funny feeling' about her application from the outset, but I squashed my worries because we weren't flush with applicants. Mistake!
She was very very shy, probably quite depressed, not interested in exploring London, not perceptibly interested in children, not desirous of English lessons and not really very helpful around the house. I kept thinking we could make it work but in the end found we really couldn't. I sat down one evening and said, very clearly and simply so that she could understand, that I could see she wasn't very happy, and I was worried about her. But also I felt that things weren't working very well for me either, and gave some examples. I then said (cringing, and putting all my Britishness aside) that I would be looking for some improvements, and we would talk again, and if there wasn't any improvement we would probably have to think about her going back home.
She was so homesick, she then volunteered a few days later to go home and we paid for her flight. I felt very sorry for her - I don't think she was sure why she was au pairing really and I think she was very unhappy.
All the advice I read on here said to go with your gut, and cut your losses as soon as you feel it's not working. Mumsnet was right! I wish I'd done that, actually.
Have a chat with the agency. I did this early on and they were so reassuring and sent over some more cvs which made me feel more hopeful. I'm very flexible about our au pairs - I think they bring their own different qualities and am prepared to overlook some downsides if they overall bring something positive to our house! One of our au pairs was a bit messy, but so energetic and great with the girls that she was brilliant. One was quite shy, but got on incredibly well with my youngest, and was tremendously helpful and the kitchen was constantly spotless! But if someone is not good with the children, and not nice to you either... well, that seems quite profound to me. Speak to the agency, then speak to her immediately, kindly but firmly, and give her the option of staying on a week with improvements, or suggest perhaps she's not enjoying herself, and would she like to go home? I know I sound tough but life is too short!

Hi Gus, thanks for your reply. I think in all honesty we had some funny feelings from the outset too but put them to one side (foolishly) as applicants weren't exactly clambering at the time.

I did get in touch with the agency and they agreed her behaviour wasn't appropriate. We had a chat with her last night and basically said 'are you okay?, we are a bit worried etc' and told her that we do need someone who wants to/is able to interact with us and especially with the children. Told her that I thought she might be really shy and that I understood that it was difficult but that sometimes shyness comes across as rudeness and that some changes really do need to be made. She did seem to take it all on board. We are going to see if things change over the next week.

I know exactly what you mean about each au pair having different qualities and if someone is living in your house there are always going to be little niggly things but in the past it's always been really positive overall. Like you, we've had au pairs that have been e.g. super fun but a bit messy, or less fun but very responsible and organised, I can absolutely cope with au pairs having different qualities but not with what we've had from this one to date. We'll have to see how it pans out!

I am in exactly the same situation right now. Can I ask how it went after you had this conversation with her? I've had several where I've said that she needs to play with the kids and really try to get to know them, but she sits in another room or is on her phone - just seems completely disengaged, and my DD3 is miserable. I am about to have "the chat"... I am hoping things get better as I don't have a plan b if she walks out!!!

I think you have to sit down, explain issues. If concerns do not improve . Start looking for another aupair.
Give month notice.
I have had aupair since 2014
Mostly very good. We have had 3 that didn't work. Given notice after month.
I have found, initial impression. No change