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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au pair walked out - advice welcome :(

24 replies

JB22 · 23/09/2019 13:48

We've hosted au pairs for over 6 years and it's always been fine - this week our new au pair of one week has walked out (just literally WhatsApp and then walked out) and it's totally thrown me.
I think we were possibly not focussed enough on making him feel welcome as we were so used to our old au pair who'd been with us for 18 months. Last week seemed to go okay (I cooked dinner a few times, we had dinner together on Friday) but we also had a relative staying over the weekend so didn't invite him to explore London with us over the weekend.
I also found a picture of our bedroom on his InstaStory (only today, after he messaged us - it was from last week) which makes me feel a bit weird and uncomfortable.
He was 19, from France and had spent the summer working in a bar. He seemed nice and I'd explained everything to him. We have a cleaner so he wasn't expected to do any housework.
He arrived last Sunday at 8am and walked out the following Monday (today!) at 930am.
There is a lot of free time and I'm not sure he has any friends - but he was due to sign up for English classes.

OP posts:

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ClaudiaNaughton · 23/09/2019 13:52

Was this his first au pair job? Maybe he decided he preferred bar work.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2019 13:54

What happened with the InstaStory? Did you raise it with him?

It sounds like he didn't really feel at home. That could be because of how last week went, or just that he's decided this isn't for him and he prefers bar work. Had he been an au pair before?

Original poster

JB22 · 23/09/2019 14:10

I only saw the InstaStory after he'd messaged saying he was leaving (I hadn't followed him on Instagram so hadn't looked at InstaStories, it was from 6 days ago) so I haven't/hadn't asked him about it.

It was his first au pair job (I'd sent a schedule in advance - eg when we were first talking so he could see what was on it - there was no extra, but I guess the reality of a school run, kid's washing and meal times is a bit different to seeing it on paper). The hours are really minimal which may be part of the problem - lots of spare time to feel lonely?

He sent a succession of messages saying he felt ill (maybe a mistranslation) and that he didn't like our daughter, but did like our son and that we don't spend time with him as a family. Then he sent my husband a Linkedin request.

Obviously I feel like we are the worst family in the world right now

OP posts:

pumkinspicetime · 23/09/2019 14:23

He is a teenager who has tried a new line of work and doesn't like it.
I really wouldn't read a great deal more into it than that.
Looking after dc can be pretty boring a lot of the time.
It doesn't sound like your family did much wrong don't waste time feeling bad.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 14:29

I'm not sure what advice you are after?

Original poster

JB22 · 23/09/2019 14:34

the advice Bluntness100 (sorry I'm not very good / can't tag) was just about what to do better next time or if anyone had similar experience - but also to just get other views

OP posts:

Original poster

JB22 · 23/09/2019 14:37

thank you pumkinspicetime - this is the best advice - appreciate your time

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2019 14:38

He’s a 19 year old man who had never worked as an au pair before, he probably had no idea what the job actually entailed. Even if you told him it’s different in practice.
What made you think we was suitable for the job? Did you have other applicants?

Original poster

JB22 · 23/09/2019 14:45

He was recommended @hoppinggreen but I think we made a big mistake in not checking enough. We spoke on Skype and sent all the details. he wanted to improve English to be an air steward (whereas our other au pairs have often wanted to teach or had more experience).

It's our fault we hired badly an didn't check enough. he was sporty and keen and that seemed like enough - but clearly wasn't.

I was just shocked at walking out - not even giving a week or even a day's notice or staying to talk to us!

OP posts:

meccacos2 · 23/09/2019 14:57

You dodged a bullet. Change the locks.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/09/2019 15:08

I also think you dodged a bullet.
If his former employment was bar work and he wants to be an air steward, it sounds like he enjoys jobs where there are plenty of people around and lots of things going on.
Maybe he just wasn't experienced with kids that age and assumed it would be incredibly easy.
He probably found the reality of looking after young kids and following a school/homework routine a bit lonely and less than exciting.
In any case, he's a quitter who couldn't communicate with you about a problem and just walked out without giving any notice. I think you are well shot of him.
You've had six years of successful au pairs, I'd just chalk it up to this particular one being less than a good match and just wanting different things.

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2019 15:11

Given that you’ve had plenty of au pairs it was probably him not you, it sounds like he could have walked at any point so better sooner rather than later

Echobelly · 23/09/2019 16:13

I'm sure it's not you, he may just be homesick or not suited to it. Walking out is not uncommon if the ap is young and might not have the social skills/maturity to tell you to your face that they were leaving.

sadwithkiddies · 23/09/2019 18:11

My last Au pair told me on Thursday (while on summer holiday) that she had booked a flight home on Monday. She had been with us less than a week at that point and had not had some charge of the children. She said she was homesick.
We now have a young man who has been here 2 weeks, seems to be Ok, and has embraced English classes to find friends.
Not sure what to do as yet with his secret smoking 🤔 but he's willing to play with the kids and cook very basic after school meals...

It will work out ok...but it sucks when you are in the middle of it x

underneaththeash · 24/09/2019 07:59

I think you're right that you didn't spend enough time making him feel welcome.

Just put it down to experience and move on.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 24/09/2019 08:03

It probably wasn't the best time to have a relative to stay, but you probably didn't have much control over that and really it just sounds like it probably wasn't the job for him.

MardyLardy · 24/09/2019 08:06

He sounds awful! He photographed your bedroom and did t like your daughter and you are wondering what you did wrong?!?

SayWhatNowYall · 24/09/2019 08:13

We had a similar experience with an 18 year old boy who was coming for a brief stint as an au pair (summer job for him). He’d also never done it before, and seemed incredulous that he was actually supposed to supervise and entertain the kids for the short time required each day (I was present in the house but working), tidy up after himself, show up at the meals he knew I was cooking for him as part of the family, etc.

I get the impression he thought he’d just be a body in the house during his hours and the kids would get on with it, and that he could treat us a bit like his mum’s house -taking his meal to his room, leaving plates and cups for me to clear, hiding away on his phone at any opportunity. I think he saw us as free accommodation while he learned English and hung out.

He went home after a week 😬 I think it was a mix of his inexperience and our not been clear enough in the hire it was a job, not a holiday camp!

Hbrown48 · 24/09/2019 10:32

Hello, I am very sorry you had to go through this. I am not a mum myself but I have been an Au pair for a number of years. I wonder being from another country and moving away may have been too much for him. Maybe he didn't realise what the job fully entailed and didn't make an informed decision. From the sounds of it you made him feel very welcome and you couldn't have done more. I think maybe it just wasn't right for him. I don't think he gave it a fair chance and didn't give you much warning about leaving. I feel maybe if he was unhappy he could have communicated his feelings with you. But there is not much you can do. I really hope you manage to get things sorted out. All the best

angell84 · 24/10/2019 21:59

@SayWhatNowYall

When I was teaching in Spain, I made friends with a local Spanish woman, who had a young scottish au pair living with her.

When I went to visit the woman. She complained bitterly about the au pair wanting to eat by herself in her room.

I found it utterly strange. The same as I find your post strange. Who are you to tell your au pairs where or when to eat. They should be allowed to eat their dinner wherever they want and most definitely in their room.

It sounds like a control thing. How dare you not eat dinner with me. You can't dictate to them - where they eat!

No wonder that your OP left!

angell84 · 24/10/2019 21:59

*no wonder that your au pair left

marzipanet · 24/10/2019 23:24

@angell84 It is customary for au pairs to be treated as one of the family, so that naturally involves eating dinner together. If you look up any kind of au pair 'job description' you'll see that this is the expectation from the AP and host family. Of course, nobody can stop them from eating in their room, but it would not be surprising if the host family is disappointed if they do so.

angell84 · 25/10/2019 11:59

@marzipanet but many families do not eat together , or at the same times.

I think that many aubpair mothers are too controlling.

It was the look on my Spanish friend's face that annoyed me. She was "how dare she eat in her room".

Your au pair is an adult, they will want to eat at their own time and in their own space!

marzipanet · 25/10/2019 13:00

@angell84 APs are often described as a ‘big sister’ figure and they are still very young even if technically an adult. The APs we have been hosting are here to experience our culture and participate in family life, and they actually expect to eat with us/the kids. I do try to treat them as adults but they also have treated me as a mother figure!

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