Childminders...could you describe your relationship with your families?

[Lostalittlefaith]

We've used the same childminder for a number of years despite some ongoing niggles and annoyances and I am just trying to decide whether to continue with her and if not, whether to look for a different childminder or whether we just have unrealistic views of a childminder and perhaps a different setting is for us.

Reasons we chose a childminder are that we wanted a more personal relationship, a more homely setting and the continuity of the same person caring for our dc.

We feel we have two of these, but we feel that the personal side is lacking. Our childminder is outwardly friendly but it feels very business like between us, and we don't get the vibe that she has developed any genuime caring feelings towards our dc or us as a family, which if i'm honest is what I would have expected.

For background, we have always tried our end - we buy her gifts and nice cards for any occasions and have put lots of thought into gifts over the years. We have written her glowing references and have always paid in full and on time. However it all feels very one sided.

So, for those with long term mindees, please could you describe your relationships with your longer term mindees/families?

Lostalittlefaith

Have you discussed these issues honestly and fully with your childminder?

If you have disagreements with your childminder or different expectations to hers, you are not going to resolve them on an anonymous discussion board.

If you have disagreements with your childminder or different expectations to hers, you are not going to resolve them on an anonymous discussion board - surely this is the nature of mumsnet and the same could be said for most threads? I am gathering experiences and have asked an open ended question about other childminder's relationships with their families in order to help me make my decision.

As I feel I have demonstrated, we have tried to be fair, flexible and amenable in our relationship. Yes we have discussed the issues I have mentioned at the time they occured, but if she has made her viewpoint or stance clear at the time, I can do little more than accept it on that occasion. To push it would make things incredibly awkward and the individual issues at the time weren't in their own, a justifiable reason to leave the setting. However, these smaller issues build a picture and mould a relationship over time.

In terms of being concerned that she has not developed genuine bonds and interest in my children, I don't think this is something anyone would really bring up in real life?! I can't see that conversation going well, and I think on this one, actions mean more than words so I can't see what a conversation would achieve.

Ok so care wise you have no concerns, development you have no concerns, relationship between child and youngest you have seen nothing to give you concern am I right?
Your eldest always was okay there but now she is older has no interest in talking about cm and cm sees her with you but does not talk to her? Older children change once at school they become more independent from childcare that can be hard for both child and cm to handle. They can feel awkward. Its odd she ignores her though.
You dont understand why she texts unimportant things during work hours? Have you told her you cant reply unless it's an emergency? I would do so then leave these unanswered.
Returning favours...that's a hard one without knowing what they are, her work situation and commitments. Are you asking for extra hours...she may not have space or may have valid reasons for not being able to accommodate. Are you asking for free hours, drop offs pick ups? Have you asked for hours to be refunded or traded?

I really think you’re over egging this whole bond thing.

Do I care for the children I look after? Of course! Would I do everything in my power to keep them safe on my care? Without a doubt. Do I laugh at their jokes, praise their achievements, cuddle them when they’re sad? Absolutely!

Do I think about them whilst I’m on holiday with my family? Rarely. In the same way that I would expect my Dc’s teacher to pine after my children in the school holiday! Ultimately it’s a job. A job I love and couldn’t do it I didn’t have a genuine fondness for the children but I wouldn’t do it if i didn’t get paid!

Blanking the older child who she's cared for since a baby is odd though. You'd think she would at least me minimally polite to her. Even in nursery and school settings the staff acknowledge and chat to siblings.

Maybe it's just a personality quirk of the childminder. Up to you whether it is enough of an issue for you to risk switching provider (personally I would if I felt there was no bond between carer and child - I want my young children to spend their days with someone who is warm and affectionate towards them).

The sending messages during the day - what's the issue there? I do all my emails and stuff when I have the chance which is usually if all children are napping eg now.

Thanks very much for all the different perspectives and experiences. This thread has been really useful. I can see that lots of you have very different approaches, which I suppose is to be expected, and lots sound like lovely cms and perhaps more what we were hoping for. So it is helpful to hear that the type of person we want may be out there. Those who have used phrases such as it being a "business transaction" are certainly not what we are looking for.

Perhaps we just haven't quite clicked with the cm or perhaps she has some personality traits that we can't take to.

childmindermum I think you understand exactly what I am getting at. I have also noticed that even teachers acknowledge, speak to and know the names of our younger dc. I certainly don't expect her to pine for my dc when on holiday as has been suggested, but I think what I am talking about is very different.

georgie i'm not sure how I am "over egging" the bond thing - I mentioned it as an issue from the very start and have simply elaborated as i've been asked to. I have a feeling that whatever I say, you're going to keep coming back at me and to be honest, I haven't got the time or energy to keep defending myself when your view seems to be geared towards the cm always being right!

Of course it’s a business transaction.

Whether or not a childminder experiences sentiment toward their charges, a childminder is a professional childcarer-educator following their chosen vocation in return for payment. And a parent is buying a service they need.

Ultimately a childminder doesn’t work long hours just for any warm, fuzzy feelings of affection, and I’m assuming you don’t send your children there if you don’t need to.

Ignoring the business aspect is frankly delusional, and it’s probably the most common reason why childcare arrangements break down.

I don't think the OP is ignoring the business aspect at all. But one would assume that someone who chooses to work as a child minder will still be warm and interested in her charges despite it being her business, just as you hope that anyone employed in a nursery would be.

In all honesty it really isn’t a job unless you enjoy working with children.

I wonder why so much of what I say is being taken to the extreme? I think the term "business transaction" is crude and inappropriate. Let's be honest, how many cms would have the guts to say this to their parents in real life for this reason?

I haven't said anything that suggests that I am ignoring the fact that it is someone's livlihood, hence me repeatedly stating that we pay on time, don't look for anything at all outside of the contract. But it to feel more than this is my entire point.

Thank you saraclara - exactly!!

I tend to have a business approach with parents, but always approach the children as though they are the most special / important people in my life.

Of course its a business transaction. It's ridiculous to suggest that it is not. CMs are professional people. To say this isn't a business transaction is akin to saying because they work in their home they are not doing a "proper" job or are in the same bracket as babysitters.

CMs are fond of the children they care for but it is quite unfair to suggest that she's not good enough because she isn't best friends/friend of the family with you.

That aside, it is a little strange if she really is blanking your eldest.

I didn't say it wasn't a business transaction, haven't once said that. I said we had chosen a cm hoping for more than just a business type relationship and asked what other people's relationships looked like. I'm a bit sick of repeating myself really!

Again, what I have said, if you take the time to read all my posts has been continually taken out of context. I have been asked if I expected "girly chats" to be "best friends" for her to "pine" for my dc, if I was looking for "free childcare" to name a few - none of which I have remotely suggested in any of my posts and quite frankly some of you come across overly defensive.

Thanks to the many posters who have shared your own experiences of family relationships, which is what I asked for. There is a real mix, but I now have a good idea of what I could expect.

People are asking what your missing becouse you dont make it very clear. You wont go into details on the favours your expecting in return for the times shes asked for early finishes so we cant help on if its reasonanle...the favours possible are extra time (need to bear in mind legal restrictions and can she work longer hours as most do 11 hour days, notice given..ie I'm late tonight is no notice) asking not to be charged becouse your late....what other favours could their be????? By being out of pocket it's not clear if you mean she cancelled so I'm out of pocket and feel she owes me or I didn't get my fees back for the time.
The not being friendly with your older child is odd we all acknowledge that....but I have known teachers be the same so it's not just her....my son had a road accident in the summer my nephew now has his old teacher who knows about the accident but hasn't once asked me or him how he is when I collect but acts like shes never met him....

I try not to get too close and too friendly with my families because at the end of the day, I'm running a business and I don't want to blur the lines and leave myself open to being taken advantage of. I work alongside another childminder who doesn't share the same view and has got very friendly with a couple of parents and this has led to problems. For example, one thought that we should let them off with not giving enough notice for holidays because they were friends and another got so far behind on payments it made it very awkward when we got to the debt letter stage.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good relationship with all my families, some better than others, but it depends on how they view the role of a childminder. One family sees us as an extension of their own family, to others we are 'the childminders'.

Of course this professional distance can have it's drawbacks as I often feel like some forget I'm a person with feelings and needs, particularly when it comes to the few weeks holiday we get a year!

Hi, one family that I look after I have had for 14 years.
Am very close to all the children. (the eldest offered to come over and help me when I was ill last year)
Middle one has been with me for 8 years and the little one all of their 2 and a half years. I adore them all.
The mum and I have a very good relationship.
I am still friendly with most of my previous parents.

I've been childminding for 19 years and I've always had great relationships with the families. You have to get on with them because they are coming into your home, amongst your family, every day. I'm very friendly with my families, and we have some great banter and a laugh and a joke together. They know they can speak to me or ask me advice about anything, and I'm always honest with them about their children because I would want someone to be honest with me if they cared for my child. I do have very good bonds with the children and I've looked after some of them for nearly 10 years. In return, the parents treat me as a professional, pay me on time ,always buy me great presents for me, and my own family for Christmas etc and respect my home and family.
We all work differently- many childminders don't want to blur the lines between business and friendship-and as long as your child is happy there, I wouldn't read too much into it.