Childminders...could you describe your relationship with your families?

[Lostalittlefaith]

We've used the same childminder for a number of years despite some ongoing niggles and annoyances and I am just trying to decide whether to continue with her and if not, whether to look for a different childminder or whether we just have unrealistic views of a childminder and perhaps a different setting is for us.

Reasons we chose a childminder are that we wanted a more personal relationship, a more homely setting and the continuity of the same person caring for our dc.

We feel we have two of these, but we feel that the personal side is lacking. Our childminder is outwardly friendly but it feels very business like between us, and we don't get the vibe that she has developed any genuime caring feelings towards our dc or us as a family, which if i'm honest is what I would have expected.

For background, we have always tried our end - we buy her gifts and nice cards for any occasions and have put lots of thought into gifts over the years. We have written her glowing references and have always paid in full and on time. However it all feels very one sided.

So, for those with long term mindees, please could you describe your relationships with your longer term mindees/families?

I was a minder for many years and the family relationship varied with the families. Some became very close friends others remained business like. Experienced childminders can be wary of becoming too,friendly with parents. You sound like ideal parents, but so many take advantage. My relationship with the parents never affected how I dealt with the children.

If your children are happy, don’t move minders.

She is running a business though and you are paying her for a service. She is probably wary of getting too close and the professional lines being blurred, perhaps she has been taken advantage of by families in the past and this is how she protects herself.

If your children are happy with her and you have no concerns about their care then I would leave them there.

I was always naturally very fond of the children in my care. I think that was very obvious to the parents, and as well as their safety and opportunity to thrive, being in a loving environment was important to them. My nature is warm and friendly so I developed easy, casual relationships with the parents. Some liked to linger for a chat. Some liked to get to work or go home, but I was sure to maintain a reassuring relationship with the parents as well as the children. I miss childminding!

Do you always pick up/ drop off on time? That's a big one as well as paying on time. Do you communicate if plans change?

To add, I'm just wondering how best to answer your question! What did I do in addition to the care?
I always bought birthday and Christmas presents for the children. We'd bake a cake, have balloons, a little party etc. I would babysit for them. I didn't buy the parents gifts, but with the children we would make cards for birthdays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, other siblings birthdays etc. We keep in touch on Facebook.

It’s a difficult one to describe actually. I find I’m closer to some families than others. Some are very private, some are oversharers!

I think the longer I’ve been a childminder, the more I try to remain stepped back. Not to the children, I always feel close to them, but it can be very hard to bring up issues if you’re friends with them. I’m friendly and if a friendship develops naturally then great, but I don’t force it. I have my own friends

What are you expecting? Could it be too much? She’s a childcarer not a personal friend.

"it all feels very one sided"

Is your childminder:
-reliable and punctual?
-accommodating when possible?
-polite?
-approachable?

Does s/he provide
-a suitable range of toys and activities?
-a safe and clean place for your child to play?
-feedback on your child's interests, activities and achievements?
-some educational or stimulating activities?

Is your child happy to attend their setting (allowing for any separation anxiety and that they'd probably rather be at home)?

If so then I'd say that that is what you are paying for and it isn't one sided.

I'm a childminder and I'd hope that my families would say that about me. I try to treat all the children I look after the same and. I find it the greatest compliment when strangers think that they're all my own kids. I had one lady say "but you're so nice to them, I thought they must all be yours".

At the end of the day though... It's a job. I've had families, where I cared for their children 5 days a week from 7 til 6, and they've left without a thank you; or where I've had a nice card, but never heard from them again. It's very hard, but ultimately you can't get too attached to other people's children.

I’d agree with the above, some of my families I get in better than others. I know one of my mums thinks of me as a close friend, but I don’t see her like that. She is a parent of a child I look after but I don’t feel I have anything other than her child in common with her. I’m chatty with all of them, they know a lot about my life and my dc as I see them all so often (more often than my actual friends), but unless I’m friends with them before they start with me, I have never become friends with them once they are customers.
My mum was also a cm and did become close friends with one family. The dc are now in their 30s and she has been to their weddings, dc christenings, helped through family traumas. That’s really special to see.

I think as long as you pay on time, drop off and collect on time (remember that dropping off 5 minutes early is really frustrating to cms) and are honest and don’t have outlandish requests (eg I want dc to have a nap in the cot at the time you are actually doing the school run) your relationship with your cm will be fine. Definitely don’t move your child if they are happy and enjoy going there. The cm/dc is the most important relationship in this.

Are you going to come back OP?

Sorry yes I am going to - thanks for all the perspectives - i've had a very busy day and will be back to reply properly tomorrow

I also agree with others closer to some than others. However I always do maintain my personal boundaries. I have had to report a parent of a child I had known for many years due to a disclosure from child. I hope I never have to do this again but it’s important to remember.

Also whilst I care for many of my families it is quite one sided in the sense I won’t be dumping my problems on you, telling you my worries. Your child arrives . I am in cm mode and it becomes about your child not me.

The other thing is parents who want to chat after hours . I may of worked 12 hours and whilst sometimes there is something that needs discussing . I have never been asked by any parent if it is convenient.

I actually have a lovely bunch of children and parents at the moment who I think we have a good relationship with.

Not sure what you want from her, girly chats nights out, offers of free childcare? Ia she interested in your child and listening to any problems child related?

If your children are well cared for I don't see what the issue is.

I think I know what you mean - you were hoping for a long lasting family friendship to develop, and it hasn't.

It is hard for you to see the bond between childminder and the children, as you are only there at pick up/drop off. The bond you have with the childminder is totally different and it is an employee type relationship in some ways.

I used to work as a nanny. Again the bond is very tricky to get right. In the end, however, whilst nannies and the children may spend long days together over many years and may love each other, it is only a job. The nanny is entitled to leave whenever she likes. That's the hard part for the families to deal with.

I am still in contact with some of my mindees now 26 24 18 17 13 8 and 11 different families who made the effort many more have not bothered since the day they no longer needed me. All have been treated the same to start with mutual respect, curtisy and me doing whatever I could to be flexible some returned the flexibility others didn't once they start to be silly waiting outside in cars until dead on time or late, asking for 10 mins credit etc I'm less flexible and 100% contract but just as curtious the children always treated as I would want my own no matter what.

I'm friendly but professional.

I celebrate children's birthdays and give small gifts (eg a book) at Christmas and birthdays. I'm caring and affectionate towards the children.
I'm available and responsive for parents to communicate about their child or care - within limits, I don't respond to anything between 10pm-7am, on weekends or when I am on holiday.

I'm not friends with the parents, I don't have them on Facebook, see them socially, ask about their private lives or share much of mine beyond chit-chat.

What kind of things are you not seeing with your CM that you'd like to see?

I find it the greatest compliment when strangers think that they're all my own kids.
Yes - or they ask if they are all mine and when I say one is, they can't tell which one I treat all the children as I would want my own to be.

I do door step handovers too so no long chats with parents at drop off or pick up, they don't spend long in my house.

Shame the OP never came back. Would have been interested in her responses.

A childminder is naturally going to develop different feelings and different relationships with different families. All relationships develop in ways that depend on both sides: so this is as much down to the family as it is down to the childminder.

As several PPs have said, the more experienced CMs learn to be wary of getting too close, and tend to hold back a bit. Frequently this is because CMs get stung in these situations. Parents can turn quite nasty when they don’t get their own way over something, or over payment issues.

If anything, CMs have a professional duty to remain detached rather than developing close feelings. That way, they can avoid conflicts of interes over favouritism or if matters of poor child development or safeguarding ever have to be addressed.

@ Lostalittlefaith

Forgive me for being blunt, but I think the problem is that your expectations are not what they should be.

You say you don’t like the fact that "...it feels very businesslike between us..." but that is absolutely how it should be. The bottom line is that you are buying a service, and that is a business transaction, so you get a business relationship. Anything beyond that amounts to false expectations.

'Caring' in the context of Childcare is a practical and professional service, just as with care for the elderly or medical care. It is not about feelings, emotions or sentiment. You can expect care, respect and politeness as part of the arrangement, but you can’t realistically write feelings and friendships into a contract.

I have a nagging question about this thread. What really is the main issue?

I note the OP says, "despite some ongoing niggles and annoyances" ......

This is just the kind of thing we’ve seen before on MN, where the ostensible main issue turns out to be a stalking-horse before we’re dripfed the real reason why the mum wants to leave her childminder. Then the 'little niggles' become conflated to an excuse to leave 'The World’s Worst Childminder' without notice.

Please ell me this isn’t going to be another of those threads. I so want to be wrong.

My childminder is now a good friend. We chat every day as I pick up DD. DD had been there 9 years, since she was 6 months old, and has a closer relationship with the cm than she does with either set of grandparents.

Our cm is very friendly with me, but is professional with some of the other families she works with. It depends on the family. She is very, very nice to the children no matter what relationship she has with their parents. I think it depends when she gets the children as to whether she develops friendships with the parents, as it does tend to be the families she's worked with for years that become her friends, rather than the kids who start with her in year 2/3 and only go a couple of days a week wraparound care

Thanks for all of the perspectives and apologies that it has taken me a few days to reply properly. It is really interesting to hear the different experiences and perspectives and to hear that relationships differ even between families. Some of your sound like lovely childminders too .

I don't want to be too specific with examples. I will try to outline a few or the main ones.

We have always gone above and beyond to be understanding, kind and helpful when "issues" arise on her side. At times this has meant us being out of pocket and taking time off work that we were not obliged to. The same favour is not extended to us, infact often quite the opposite.

She texts and emails with issues/requests etc when I am in work, which could be discussed at pickup or drop off (I am always there in plenty of time). Often it makes things feel unnecessarily awkward.

Seeming lack of bond or development of interest or affection for the dc. Since my older dc (who she had from a baby) left the setting for school, she has never asked after her or how she is getting on. She doesn't acknowledge or talk to her directly when dd accompanies us to younger dc pick up/drop off. Likewise dd never asks after or expressed any wish to see cm again.

I would have expected some normal boundaries, certainly not friendship. But a relationship with some mutual give and take, given that we have tried to do everything "right" from our side. A stronger bond or affection for dc and vice versa.

I think it depends on what time you are talking about . I book time off for parents evenings , have had to take time off for hospital and illness, school play. The parents aren’t charged for this . I do offer to have children part day or not at all and not charge for that day. I still know it is inconvenient, try to plan around but sometimes it is unavoidable.

I have had some children who are far more interested in peers than me although if unwell , wake up cuddle all come to me .

I can tell you though one of my minded children complained the other day her mum was always last ( it’s the hours she works) but then when mum arrived complained she didn’t want to go yet. My point been what they say one minute to the next isn’t always what they mean.

The lack of progress is a concern. Have you spoke to cm about this as all children should be progressing.

It is hard just reading it in paper but if you feel something isn’t fitting for your child then move them .

I love seeing my old mindees and hearing how they are getting on though it can at times be odd as they have very much moved on

Seeming lack of bond or development of interest or affection for the dc. Since my older dc (who she had from a baby) left the setting for school, she has never asked after her or how she is getting on. She doesn't acknowledge or talk to her directly when dd accompanies us to younger dc pick up/drop off. Likewise dd never asks after or expressed any wish to see cm again.

This seems odd to me. You'd expect a CM to be warm towards the children, especially one she had from a baby.