Aupair and WFH

[didkdt]

So what can I expect from an aupair if I am working from home? Ours has taken the view if I am at home she doesn't need to be
Between my new job and DHs,, in term time with wrap around care things run reasonably smoothly, but with the holidays and following quite a stressful period at work for DH I decided we needed an aupair for the summer. We agreed with her both DC for 25 hours per week, DS is 10 DD is 5 we pay £90 a week
My working week is Monday to Friday DH can choose his working patterns to a degree so works to ensure that between us we are around for wake ups and bedtimes
Originally I had some ideas of the 2 children doing camps and the aupair doing wrap around but DD broke her foot and DH changed his work patterns so camps were impossible and DH was around more and always when I am away.
The aupair arrived 2 days before the children broke up from school although our originally agreement was 10 days before they broke up
She then signed herself up for a 2 week course the first 2 weeks of their holiday, she asked DH and he rearranged his work pattern to let it happen. Now she asks him for everything
She then added on after college activities.
When she is here she plays with DD and ignores DS
When they were fighting a few times I have come down and found her doing college work whilst they are really fighting
She hasn't cooked a meal yet, I walked in at 645 the other day, the kids had no dinner and no lunch which is when I discovered despite my asking she has never fed them
She has asked why we need her if I am working from home- but I AM WORKING which means I can't do children stuff.
Because of who she is I really need to try and make this work.
So if you work from home can you please tell me what your aupair does and doesn't do
Really I need her looking after them 10-4 4 days per week and I can/do make DH or I available to take over for an hour around lunch, and I can squeeze in a balance of work and child stuff 9-10 and 4-5 and DH can be around for 1 day.
This is a summer holiday arrangement.

I'm a nanny - so not entirely the same as an au pair - my family one parent works from home. I never see him, he is always upstairs in their office.

I do everything from 9:30-6:00 I feed the children, bath, sleep time, activities etc ... I'll also throw a wash on / put the dishwasher on although they always tell me not too but I will do it because I'm in the house

Do you have somewhere you could work? In your bedroom / office space where you are out of the way so you can't be seen?
You need to sit her down and say from 10-4 you are responsible for childcare; outline the responsibilities she needs to meet

How can £90 for 25 hours be a legal wage?
No wonder she’s not very interested.

She is an au pair she gets bed and living accomodation and food on top of her wage!!

Op you need to sit her down and explain she isn't here for a holiday. Wtf she arranged a course so she couldn't work for 2 weeks??

Now she is still not lifting a finger and taking you for mugs. Spell it out her hours of work and what she must do at this time. If she thinks she doesnt need to do anything spell it out you are working and if she can't stick to.the arrangement then she can jog on. You arent funding her education for free out of charity she is employed to work.

You need to tell her clearly what her hours and duties are. I think you are expecting her to just guess what you need.

Tell her what you expect her to do with the children. Lunch at X time, dinner at x time, this is what to cook. Take them to the park etc.

Give her some instructions about how to discipline them. If they are fighting, what should she do?

Draw up an actual timetable.

I am assuming "Because of who she is I really need to try and make this work." means you've hired a young cousin or similar.

Have you given her an agenda? You need to spell it out for her exactly what you need her to do and pick her up on it every time. If you are absolutely stuck with her you need to be direct and tell her you are paying her to do these things.

Yesterday was not an easy day hence no replies but thank you for the advice. After the day she had it would have been easy to chat to her but she left the house more or less at 4 on the dot without saying a word and I couldn't confront her because I was dealing with DS who had heat stroke partly because she'd had a very bad idea. She came home sometime around 10pm but DS still wasn't great so I left it.
She isn't young. I deliberately opted for someone in their 20s. She supposedly works with children and has a teaching qualification.
She's the niece/Goddaughter of an old friend of my parents hence the awkwardness.
We/DH did have a schedule for her apparently she thought it was an introduction to our family life.
She had been told I worked from home to spend more time with the children. The point is I can't work if they are badgering me and I can't work if they are shouting at me about the world's injustices and how hungry they are. I do have an upstairs office maybe it needs a lock!
Dh had a word today as I was working away from home. He said the children need feeding at 1pm and DS needs a cycle helmet and at the risk of outing myself in case someone saw them he is not allowed to ride his bike to the park trailing a beach cart by a skipping rope and DD's broken foot means she can't walk that far (as she discovered) hence DS bombing home in the heat to get me.
That's what I got for asking her to manage the children without me.
We are in 2 minds whether it's reasonable to ask her to let us know if she isn't coming home on a Saturday night.
We are also slightly unsure where it's sensible to leave her at home dog sitting while we go away next month.

We did have a very serious word with DS about the lack of a helmet and the bike trailer was never to happen again

A written timetable and writing out some rules is what we've gone for.
I think after that if she can't make it work it's reasonable to say there is no point

Tou’ve been given some good advice about but honestly..College during the day and then after college activities? She’s taking the mickey..I wouldn’t bother trying to sort it out and just send her home.

@didkdt
So now she's been in charge of your children and one of them has heatstroke - I would expect to be getting the sack if this were to happen when my families children were in my care.
I don't think there is a case for being polite now because she is a relation to someone - your children need to be put first.
Have you seen evidence of these qualifications / spoke to references for working with children?

I would not care who she is (old family friend/family etc). I would make a list of expectations, timetable, rules etc. Sit down and tell her that so far her stint with you is not working out so far but given the connection you are willing to give her a week to get her act together. Go through the list with her, tell her she is expected to work from it going forward and review how she is doing at least every evening. At the end of the week if she is not upholding her part of the bargain (i.e. you are providing pocket money, room and board in exchange for her assisting you as an au pair) give her a week's notice.

Ugh I was hoing to let her go this weekend but she's had some sort of upsetting event with her new friends. Came home upset and spent a long time on the phone to people.
I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, DS has had a run in with my mum about how useless she is. My mum couldn't believe it she thinks it must be me and thinks it doesn't help that I work from home as it blurs the boundaries.
Anyway last chance saloon talks tomorrow and it's only last chance if the chat goes well.

Good luck and you're doing the right thing. This relationship sounds unsalvageable.

I expect AP to look after kids when I am WFH, though, to be fair, they are not tiny any more so don't need much looking after. In term time they are often at the park/in a cafe until 5ish anyway.

Good luck with the talk, I totally feel for you, I'd find it really hard, but clearly it's not working.

So AP left but I have a couple niggles
As she points out, one is very petty she gave our netflix sign in to loads of her mates, causing our subscription rate to go up which is when I saw how many users she had sent it to. She denies some of them, but I suspect her friends may have passed it on

When she was coming over she wanted to fly to a regional airport miles away (2 hours each way) I said we would pay the difference if she came to a local airport where we could collect her more easilly.
So she booked a ticket
I asked her when she arrived what the difference in price was-she said not to worry it wasn't much in the end,.
Then she decided in her last week she wanted the difference in price after all and it was £150. So I said fine give some details about each ticket and I will transfer the money over
She couldn't, she couldn't remember the airline or airport for the cheaper ticket and she could only show me a photo of an Easyjet invoice of £-220 in red all other details blocked out
I said it wasn;t really good enough. She is now hounding me for this money, which I am happy to pay but I want some evidence

She said we owe her money for working her first day (she really didn't) she barely worked any day, day 1 she arrived went to her room, day 2 she signed herself up for the English course and went out for the day Day 3 she did nothing. She had the W/E off, she then did her 2 weeks of her course and the days out and mostly nothing in the evenings

She got her aunt involved who really upset my mum, a whole load of lies told, it also turns out she lied to her aunt about us. So given how it ended up my advice from here on is don't worry about how it will affect other relationships if you end up at that stage you are at lost cause already.

Just change your netflix password and block her. Life is too short.

Give her clarity of your expectations. Speak to her family if necessary. You've adopted another child not hired an au pair.
Your work and home life is being stretched and could be better with a different source of help.
Reduce her pay too.
Did she not understand why you employed her? Is she on dh side of the family? Is it you that's having to make up for her shortcomings?

She has already gone Monty

Change your Netflix password and chalk the rest up to experience. And never use a friend or relative or their relative as an AP again.

I was a live in nanny so hope this helps.
It can be a bit awkward looking after kids while mum is home, especially if the kids run to mum if you say no to something, even if you are not in the room it feels a bit like someone's looking over your shoulder, and a bit worried about getting something wrong.
You need to be very clear about your expectations so she knows it's ok to be firm and set boundaries even if you are there. The timetable is a great idea, you could possibly add a communication diary too. I would also make sure she has clear working times, so she doesn't wonder at the end of the day if she can go. If you have told her very specifically what is expected and she still doesn't do as asked I would give her notice.

@Monty27 I have now blocked her.
She asked which airport to come I gave her two localish ones she wrote to say she'd found a ticket to a third 2 hours by car away.
I said it would be easier to come to the 2 I suggested and I'd contribute to the cost I checked I definitely said contribute
So she booked to one of the local ones
I and DH both asked her on arrival what the difference in price was. Her reply was it didn't matter it was so little
Suddenly towards the end it was a huge amount she wanted paying for the day she arrived because she played with the children before dinner
She spent all of the next day sorting her course she wants that to count as unpaid so she wanted £25 for essentially doing nothing for us.
She wants €129 for the difference in flights that she can't give me evidence of not even her original ticket
She doesn't see anything wrong with sharing log in details
She can't prove her teaching qualification
And rather than being the teacher we were told she was she currently earns money face painting at parties and babysitting
So even going through people you know you can get stung horribly

Eek, that's quite a litany of problems! Glad it's all over for you now (apart from the aunt/ godmother, but - oh, well).

Thanks, stepping away has helped me to see that it was just a mess and unsalvageable

Thank you OP. The last thing you need is that sort of grief. We live and learn I guess.
I hope you get sorted with your family and their expectations and your workload.
It's a lot.
Best wishes