Feeling so guilty

[360mum]

I'm thinking of going back to work after an extended maternity period really. My twins are 16 months and I went back to work at 8 months only to find I just wasn't ready (I put it down to the section recovery, and that I had 2 babies to bond with). It just takes a longer time with twins imo.

Anyway, I am feeling really guilty about this and finding it hard thinking about leaving them with someone else. I have taken care of them with help from my mil one day of the week and they've been fine but I'm scared they won't be understood properly (my boy likes to sleep a lot) and my girl is just how she is.

How do I get over this ? I feel burnt out and really want to go back to work. I'm not a good mother as things stand because I feel flat. I meet their basic needs but I'm too flat to play. I just don't want to do it full time anymore.

Where is best for them?

Where best... nanny or childminder. To me it sounds like you need childcare provided by mostly one person who you get to know well.
Have you looked at either of those options?

A happy parent will mean happy children. They will have a lovely time making new friends and playing with new toys and you will feel more ready to spend time with them. They may take a little while to adjust, but they will have each other. Don't worry.

My childcare preferences for children that age are:
1- nanny
2- childminder
3- nursery

Yes they will have each other that's right.

I'm a twin and we had a nanny from around a similar age. She eventually became our "third grandma" and we kept in touch until she passed away (years and years later in old age).

I even had to defend her retrospectively last wee, when chatting with my Dad, he said he thought our nanny might have let us watch television despite our parents asking her not to.

But she didn't! I have no memories whatsoever of watching TV at home. She may have watched it herself while we napped.

Hope things are going better. Have you made any decision yet?
Going back to work is the right thing, if you want to do it. You just need to find a childcare solution that you are happy with. The kids will adapt in no time!

The way I've always seen it is that the staff at nursery / nannies etc. are better qualified to deliver care / education than me. I have no expertise in that area. I haven't the patience either to be with them full time. Stick to what you're best at. This attitude has helped with the guilt or mum shamers.

We only had one to deal with and he went to nursery ages 8 months alongside part time work (just enough wage to cover child care costs!)

He is leaving now to go to school and is well known and much loved by the staff.

He had an absolute blast and I wouldn’t have done it any other way.