AIBU

[Queenprawn]

AIBU

Background

My partner has 4 DC’s from his marriage to his late wife. She tragically passed away 5 years ago. They are twins 11 & girl 11 & boy 15. We have been together for two years & I met the kids 18 months ago.

The concept of a girlfriend was difficult for the eldest daughter to accept & we’ve had to carefully manage things, like wedding pictures staring at me in the bedroom & us not sharing a bed for 6 months after I was introduced to them. This was because we wanted to slowly & sympathetically become a couple in their eyes without forcing anything on anyone. It’s not been easy for my partner to see his relationship upset his eldest daughter & it’s been tricky for me to find my place in the family home they all shared.

ANYWAY! So 6 weeks ago my partner employed a new nanny. She does about 12 hours a week & has now done a couple of overnights.

She is very bubbly with the kids & everyone & she says she “just LOVES everyone ”

The kids seem to like her but I feel like she is being a bit over friendly with, well, everyone.

When she leaves notes for my partner( she sees him as her main employer as I was away when we suddenly had to find a new one) she puts a kiss on the end of her name & draws hearts on the calendar next to her hours.

Anyway today I was at work, my partner was in Germany on business) and she called mid meltdown, saying could she have the number of someone who could cover for her picking the kids up from school (in 3 hours) because she was stressed about missing a flight to Italy in 2 days! She was meant to be working until 9pm & driving to a relatives the next day & then catching a flight the following day.

I cancelled my appointments to collect the kids & told her not to worry. As far as I’m concerned not causing everyone a load of stress is more important than rescheduling a couple of appointments.

What I don’t get is why she thinks it’s ok to let us all down at the last minute & why she’s so over friendly...being pleasant is part of the job of course, but gushing & seeking physical contact from them is not in my opinion.

My partner says she’s in the dog house, but I’m actually livid.

Aibu

Ok the post is a bit all over the place, it's about oldest SD (who's also 11? And the twins??) but also about the nanny being 'inappropriate' but also being a flake.

The easiest thing here is that the nanny is clearly a flake. I'd get rid, especially if she's only knew, just based on that incident as she's not very reliable.

Not sure about your point on seeking physical contact? What do you mean? From the children? It's very normal for a nanny to be physical and loving with the kids. If she's being physical with your husband that's DEFINITELY not ok.

As for the X's after messages, it's purely cultural, no? I'm not originally from the UK but EVERYBODY puts an x after their messages and it's so weird to me. But it definitely does NOT imply that she's in love with your husband or even thinks of it as a 'kiss'.

The only thing that rings alarms bells based on what you said is the way she seems to handle (or not handle) stress.

You know it's just really that I think she's a Dickhead & doesn't have any boundaries regarding how it might feel for the children or me to have a transient person telling everyone she loves them.

Why can't people appreciate the invisible lines of emotional status, these kids lost their mother....you can't just want in & sit on their beds telling them you love them & then act like you're holiday is more important than the job you're employed to do.

Yes, it was a bit of an all over the place post, because frankly...I'm rattled by this woman's lack of regard for the childrens needs

Also

If I were employed to be a nanny, I wouldn't tell people I loved them. I wouldn't put hearts & kisses in notes or calendars. It's just over familiar & rude.

Some people are so emotionally bereft of intelligent understanding they make a mockery of what LOVE actually means

OP, let's be real.

Are you feeling like DP's DCs are closer to the nanny than they are to you? Are you feeling pushed out?

Obviously the nanny not collecting the kids last minute is unacceptable and needs to be addressed, but I'm not sure if that's the real reason here?

Agreed @gruhryu

OP, as I can't see the behaviour myself it's hard to judge, but I tell the kids I look after that I love them, because I do. And frankly my previous boss told me that she loved knowing that her children were loved and hat they loved me because it made her feel more at peace with having them being looked after by another person. Children have room to love lots of people, and it only enriches them.

Have the children expressed to you or your husband that the nanny makes them feel uncomfortable? If so, then yes I'd have a word. Some people are more physically affectionate than others, but nannying is a job where I'd consider it to be appropriate. The kids may well benefit from it especially as they're experienced such a big loss.

Do you think that maybe you're putting your own feelings on the situation? Just because she's loving and says she loves them, doesn't mean that she's trying to replace their mother.

And while I think she's a flake for her last minute cancellation, I don't think that it means she isn't allowed to say she loves them. She's probably a very emotional person and therefore it also affects her with feelings of anxiety too. People are not one-dimensional.

Thank you both for your responses.

I think I am being a bit unreasonable, because I feel so protective of them. If she leaves (it's a job after all & she's new to the area & if her relationship doesn't work out she may leave)

Then that could be hard for them. I had major reservations from the off (gut feeling) but my partner poo pood me ...that's probably the problem ☹️

OP it will take time. You are ALL adjusting. Just be patient with the children, if they need space give it, if they want affection give it. This will go up and down. Just follow their lead. Coming into a relationship with 4 SC cannot be easy for you.

The children's liking of the nanny is easy for them, because they don't view her as a replacement for their mum. They probably think that's what their dad is trying to do with you, hence their hesitation at your relationship. It's only natural. Especially following a major loss.

It will take time but they will come around and your new family will eventually become more cohesive

Thank you @MolyHolyGuacamole

It has been emotionally exhausting...I have a 16 year old who walked out on me to live in the land of zero consequences (her grannies) a year ago, so I'm pretty heartbroken about the rejection still as I brought her up alone.

I have always let the children lead the way attention & affection wise...it's taken a long time but the twins now ask for me to tuck them in & the eldest daughter (13, typo in my original post) has come round & although it must be hard for her we get along & so nice things together.

It's just this woman's character, over the top, the last au pair was amazing & chilled, yet warm & friendly.

Don't think it helped when I asked how old she was & what she looked like, my partner told me she was younger then me (she's actually older, with a good aesthetician) and that she was pretty...but with a fat arse 🙈 (his words)

You know when a person is in a room & it's like they have to be the centre of attention, that's her.

I know I sound bitter & mean spirited...think I need a 🛀

Thank you for the non judgmental replies & taking the time

What on earth is wrong with writing a kiss, giving a hug and telling the children she loves them? Get yourself together. What it sounds very clearly like: is that she is lovely and you are jealous. If you want a nastier, moodier crankier nanny, that is up to you, but I dont think that you can fire your nanny for being "too good"

You sound jealous.
Fine to be affectionate as you describe to the kids. 11 to 15 years old would say if they didnt like it. Sounds like she is an after school nanny, so hardly a big part of their lives.
Yes she shouldnt have cancelled last minute, if she wanted holiday more notice should have been given. I would give a verbal warning for this. You should not have had to cancel appointments, ridiculous.
Sounds like your step children have a good relationship with you, so dont beat yourself up about your own DD. Hope things inprove in that respect as it must be a loss for you.

Just an update....so this nanny decided to take pics of the kids in their Panama's & post them on her Facebook & set it to public. She didn't ask their fathers permission & it's just another sign she does as she pleases without considering what's best for her employer or the children. It's just so rude.

She's not getting a warning...she's getting sacked & not a moment too soon.

@Cora1942

Thanks for your input, we've now sacked this woman for another total meltdown & basically trying to emotionally manipulate us over not getting enough hours...telling us that she wanted more hours because it was causing problems in her relationship with her partner that she wasn't earning enough from the agreed hours.

She tearfully said she wanted more hours or to come & speak to the kids to say goodbye. She's a fucking head case & I'm so relieved we can move on & find someone normal & emotionally switched on.

@Jaimemai

The issue with gushing instant emotional projection onto children who have lost their mother is that it's a form of manipulation. It's a tactic she used to try to try to instil herself in their emotional psyche so she could be kept on despite her flaky & erratic behaviour.

Yes I was angry about it, because although they are not my blood I care for them as if they were & I saw this person as a threat to their emotional stability, especially the youngest two.

Thanks for the intelligent input & responses ladies

I was a nanny while I was studying. I told the children I looked after that I loved them because I did. I just adored them and we still see each other now even though they are adults/moody teenagers. Unless it feels forced (was she talking like that in week one?) then I would probably just be glad that she was so fond of them. But you're there witnessing it not me.

I assume you provided the detail about how you slowly entered the family because you think she should do the same. But she she not joining the family, she is not sleeping in bed with their dad etc, she won't be with the family forever as you potentially will. It's not the same. Think of her more like a care provider or hopefully a family friend. She's not applying for your position in any way.

The flakiness around the Italy trip is the bad part. That's really not on. But your DH is her employer so it's up to him to decide if he still wants to work with her.

I can't help thinking that any nanny/au pair is going to get a hard time from you.

Please give the next one a chance. Yes, your previous nanny sounded flaky but being loving with the children is no crime. Rather that than a nanny who doesnt care.

Hi @WishingILivedOnAnIsland

It was all just really over the top & instant. I think you have to be especially careful with children who have lost their mother in terms of the language you use. She was calling the youngest "her special little girl" & it sat very uneasily with me. It was more than jealousy, it was concern. Of course there's nothing wrong genuine love & affection from a nanny, but this was a woman trying to emotionally ingrain herself with the kids in order that we overlooked her flaking out on us & having emotional meltdowns.

@PinkGlitter123 I really liked the last Au pair who lived here & was really close to the children. She was warm & kind & affectionate & responsible. Not once did she flake out, meltdown or cause worry. She had to return home after finishing her English language courses & settle with her boyfriend. We miss her & I suppose anyone would struggle to measure up.

The nanny after her was also good, she was a solid pair of hands. She didn't feel the need to gush over everyone & fawn constantly, she had finished uni & was home applying for jobs, so only here until she secured one, which ended up being for 4 months, then we had to find this new one.

It's all sorted now, she told us that she wasn't earning enough from the agreed hours and it was causing problems in her relationship with her partner. She called my partner & said she wanted to either secure more hours here or take another job she'd been offered in a cafe & come & say goodbye to the kids, in full floods of tears.

He said he couldn't offer her more hours or money & so technically she quit. He told her not to come in for the last week as he thought her over emotional state would upset the kids & he paid her for the shifts anyway.

I'm not unreasonable I just really felt she was trying to manipulate people .

Whatever your reasons, anyone that is in your home and around your family a lot has to be someone you are all comfortable with.
Maybe there was a hint of jealousy, all irrelevant though as she wasn't the right fit for you all.
Good luck with the next one, hopefully someone good that can stay long term. It must be hard for the kids to keep having people come and go