AIBU - is this too much to ask of an au pair?

[bigfatpants]

First question - is it acceptable for an au pair to have a single room rather than a double?

Secondly, au pair duties would be to be present after school and to help with homework. Child is aged 12. The only issue is that my child has huge school anxiety so there will be occasions where my child will be at home for the whole day and will need the au pair to be there too. This is often once per week but is at short notice. I would propose to pay the au pair extra on those days. Is this unreasonable?

What if the au pair has signed up to do a language course on that day? Would you expect them to miss it in order to stay at home?

I think employing a councillor/therapist to help your child to get to school each day would be better

I think a partial school refuser is probably too much for an au pair to handle, tbh.

I wouldn't expect an au pair to have to manage a 12yo school refuser who has anxiety issues. I think that is far too much responsibility.

Child is having therapy for anxiety which is pretty much based around school, and being home alone for any period of time when it's dark (eg from 4pm in winter months).

We don't need a full time nanny but struggling to find childcare that can bridge this very ad hoc gap of random days being missed from school. Thought an au pair might fit the bill as on four days out of five the duties would be minimal. Back to the drawing board 😩

Just coming back... I don't want to be -that guy- but even with one full day supervising child per week, this is only a total of 25.5 hours per week that I'd be looking for.

Duties would be restricted to: making sure teeth brushed in morning, reminding child re PE kit, unloading dishwasher once in the morning, and help with homework. So 15 hours per week over 4 days.

Then one full day ad hoc day at home where no duties would be required other than being physically present as an adult in the house.

Is this still too much?

It doesn't sound too onerous to me, but aren't au pairs mostly people who are only just learning the language, so I'm not certain how they could help with homework?

What happens now when the 12 yo edited to go to school? Knowing that he’s not massively inconveniencing you, that you’ve made contingencies, is quite a strong signal that not going in is an option...

Anxiety in a 12 year old is too much for a foreign 18-20 year old to manage.
Also short notice staying at home again is a big ask for an pair who may well be making day time plans/language course etc.
Yes the hours will only be about 25 per week, but in reality its more as you will be asking them to be free any day with minimal notice. Thus the hours they can't plan things it (because of work) are far more.

It’s almost a live-in carer role, rather than a traditional au pair, isn’t it? I wonder whether it’s worth putting an advert out which is scrupulously honest about your young person’s needs and the support required and see if you get any takers.

Homework help for a 12 year old doesn’t really fit with the rest of the duties, though - that’s for a tutor.

If you go for an au pair age ~25 and are absolutely crystal clear about expectations before they come I think it might be do-able. Help with homework for a 12 year old is fine and I wouldn't get a tutor for that.

Not all au pairs go to English school - I've had two that didn't as their English was already very good. They just hung around visiting friends & going out for coffee during the day.

Finding childcare last minute as you have described isn't sustainable so not sure you have much choice other than an au pair.

It seems ok to me as a 12 year old doesn't really need care, just someone in the house to make them a drink and be supportive as required, like many an older sibling does. The full day is trickier though because they are meant to be able to sign up for a course. I'm pretty sure you'll get takers though as it far easier than 3-4 primary kids and parents expecting a nanny

Occasionally it would be fine, but not once a week. You're going to just have a pissed off au pair if they keep having to cancel their plans.

I think your issue is going to be the ad hoc nature of your daughter not being at school so you need to be pretty up front about it. A slightly older girl who doesn't need English classes might be your best bet. I am really surprised to see that there seems to be a lot of Australian Au pairs around (only because I I live in Sydney and none of the young people I know would go for an au pair type arrangement) so maybe actively target that community? Someone who is willing to play a big of a big sister role would be great.

I have a 13 year old DS who began having severe anxiety over school as soon as he started secondary. He is now not attending physical school at all but is doing an online school for children with these types of difficulties. DH and I have had to renegotiate our work hours (luckily I was part time anyway) so that one of us is almost always at home with him, and relatives step in for those times we can't be there.

Knowing what my son went through each morning when faced with going to school, I could certainly not have left this for an au pair, or anyone else apart from close family to deal with. Of course it might be different for your child but I don't really think it's fair on either the au pair or child, sorry.

It is fine for an Au Pair who chooses to sign up for it. As long as you are really clear before you go ahead and choose your Au Pair carefully. You could also look at ‘room in exchange for/student room & board in exchange for’ type things. People studying/writing etc often do things like this to save on accommodation expenses. It doesn’t need to be your average green au pair who doesn’t speak English (they’re pretty rare these days tbh).

I’m not sure if you are doing this already or not, but if not It would be preferable if you could adjust your working hours to do the school drop off, both for your DC and the AP. If you can’t do this you need to be very clear about how your DC needs to be managed and when she can let him stay home etc

Just be careful your DC doesn’t see this as a green light to stay home more. Their anxiety must be truly awful for them, but it’s going to be hard on them to stay in school if they miss a lot & unless you want to be home schooling then you need to be so careful balancing their anxiety with their need of schooling 😞. It’s so difficult 🌷

I would be very concerned that you are looking for someone to do essentially what a parent should be doing, i.e. Supporting a child with their mental health issues. Having someone to supervise a happy, well adjusted teen whilst you're at work is one thing, but what you're asking for is completely different.
Part of your child's issues could be that they don't want to be away from you, as opposed to not wanting to be at school. I think you need to be taking your child to school yourself each day as by 'allowing' them to not go you are feeding the anxiety. This is becoming a real phenomenon now, many children are doing this. Very very few really are having anxiety attacks, and both parents and professionals are quite rightly worried themselves about pushing the child too far.
However, in your case I don't believe an au pair is the answer.

WHat if she is at work?

A very tricky situation.
The only thing I would say is that if the au pair is living in the home.,will dd see it as easier to avoid school more ifyswim?

I think this sounds like a good job for an au pair. Much less stressful than having to deal with eg 2 small children.

As long as this is the deal in writing beforehand, I don’t see what the problem is.

It's unreasonable because Au Pair would never be able to make plans. I wouldn't expect my employer to tell me I need to be free to come in one ad hoc day per week- always st the last minute

The hours sound fine to me I think the sticking point is the requirement to drop everything any day that your child does not feel able to attend school. Au pairs are supposed to go out, make friends, learn the language and see the country. The 25 hours of work "finances" this. If it's built into his or her contract that all social plans may be required to be cancelled at very short notice, I suspect most au pairs will start to get irritated quite quickly.
Also, honestly? Once you all get comfortable with the arrangement how likely is it that 1 day will slide to 2,3,4........?

I suppose I was thinking of it as being "on call" for three days a week (two of the five weekdays there is never any chance of needing the au pair to stay off).

If it was any more than one day per week then I would take the second day off myself but this is unlikely based on current pattern of absence.

I have indeed reduced my working hours with my current employer but sadly I am being made redundant and other jobs in my industry aren't local to me, nor advertised in a way that would allow me to be at home after 9am and before 4pm, hence looking for an au pair.

I agree with PP that DD might go to school much less often once a day at home with a nice Au Pair is an option. I think that needs to be factored into planning just in case. Au Pair could rapidly end up supervising Home Education.

easternlord
WHat if she is at work?

If an au pair is required to keep weekdays during school hours available for last minute care of your child that needs to be factored in to his/her salary. Because it means the au pair can't earn additional income from a second part time job during those hours. Everyone has a right to have a second job outside of their contracted hours, I don't think an au pair should be any different.