Childminder dilemma

[mojito80]

hi all, could really do with some advice as not sure if my worries are valid or if its just first time mum worries!!! have discussed with hubby and he thinks i am overreacting!!

we've been using the same CM for the last 1.5 years and initially all was great, i thought she was wonderful as did my little boy and she also looked after another little boy who was 2 years older than mine who he loved and all was fab.

fast forward to now, the other little boy has now started school so now my little one (now 24 months) is there with a little girl who he seems to really not click or gel with (she is 1.5). initially i thought it was just teething problems and he was adjusting to a new little person being there but its now been 6 months of them going together and there doesnt seem to be any improvement.

he seems quite upset at each drop off, when the CM sends me pics of him and the little girl he always looks quite solemn and fed up. he never seems to eat much lunch on the days when she is there (which makes me think he is unsettled as normally eats away there completely fine!!). the little girl is quite whiny and stressey wheras my little boy is v chilled out and gets on well with people.

when i raised my concerns with the CM about 3 months ago she was v defensive and basically said that i cant control who else she looks after when my little one is there and if its a problem and i want one to one care then i should really look for a nanny.

now i have no problem with her looking after other children as of course money wise it doesnt make sense for her to have just 1 child - however i would have really appreciated less of a defensive response and a chance to try and agree more of a way forward.

so now i feel slightly in limbo as things dont seem much better and i now feel i cant express any further concerns about how things are going as its been met with such a stone wall. whenever i do tentatively try and ask she just says everythings fine, they get on fine together.

so basically my question is - do i just leave it and hope things improve and put it down to the rise in general clingyness/sep anxiety at this age or do i think that 6 months on it should really be more settled and look for an alternative childcare option.

Hi, do you think your little one is struggling not being the youngest? Is your son clingy/ upset when with you ? Do you feel he would be happier in a different setting? Then it may be best to move him but if he is going through a clingy/ separation anxiety phase moving him would not make any difference? And also nursery is more likely to have more kids who are clingy, upset a lot so if this issue is not going to help him.
Your cm may not have handled it well but she is correct it is nothing to do with you who she takes on so you have no say in it what so ever just like it would be in a nursery.

thanks for responding @Apple40, really useful to get an outside perspective. I think he may be finding it tricky not being the youngest but would hope that this sort of scenario would be one the CM would be familiar with and that they could use their experience to find a way to help him overcome/work on this. he is never clingy or upset when with me, with friends children or when he goes to the CM when the other little girl is not there which to me seems quite telling. will give it a little longer to see if things settled and if not then will start looking into alternative options. thanks for coming back on this

sounds like he is bored, he had a 4yr to play with and now they have gone

is cm looking for one more under 5?

yes i think would agree with you on that. no doesnt seem to be looking for anyone else under 5. in a way i think another one may help as it would make it less intense with him and the younger child.

It’s a shame that you feel like you can’t raise the issue with the childminder. That would be the real issue for me.
It might not be quite as clear cut as you think- I looked after a little boy who was gutted when my other two mindees started school together. There was only a few months between the three of them but he had just missed the school year. He was terribly upset, and resisted bonding with the two new mindees who started. One was 2 months younger than him but he perceived her as a baby as he was used to playing with older children. His mum came to me and said she was worried he wasn’t getting the same sort of socialisation at my house anymore etc, and she thought the problem was because he was the only boy. I made huge amounts of effort to solve the issue. We went on lots of day’s out with other childminders so he could mingle with other children his own age, and also attended lots of playgroups and play dates. Just as I did so, the boy started to bond with the other child I had his age and they had a great friendship... but he would apparently sulk to mum every night that he had had ‘no one to play with’ and ‘he hated being the only boy’ etc. Thankfully I had lots of photos and videos of him laughing and playing with his new friend throughout the day, so Mum laughed his behaviour off, although I can imagine if I didn’t have as much evidence it would have been tricky to believe me!
I think there are a few things that the childminder could be doing to help the situation:
-look for another mindee closer in age to your son
-attend more playgroups or play dates with other childminders to establish new friendships
If she doesn’t seem to be doing either of these things, and is unreceptive to your concerns then I think you have no option but to look at alternative care. Is preschool an option? Maybe if the childminder would facilitate pick ups this could be the best of both worlds.
I also think it’s worth mentioning that an 18 month old isn’t usually very good friendship for an older child, but as she approaches 2 I’d imagine she’ll become much more of a play mate for him as her communication and language skills develop so sticking it out may be an option to.

Hi,
I live around the outskirts of Oxford...my children have been going to their childminder for a few months now. The main thing is the number of children that she has...for example...a few days ago when I collected my children she was in her local park with them and I counted 13 children (she was the only adult)...4 were under 5 (this includes my two) and the other 9 were primary aged children (1 of which was her own child)....is this allowed?

Have you tried a different approach ?
Tell her what you have noticed and ask if she had noticed any difference?

The photos . I am a cm some of my pics aren’t all smiley as they are concentrating sometimes but sound that’s not how yours are

Sorry ignore my comment...I thought I had created my own thread 😬

I would also be concerned about the childminder's response. So important for people in this business to be able to deal with things right ie constructively without being defensive. It's the parents they're here for as well