When do you say "it's not working out"

[LloydColeandtheCoconuts]

My 19month DD has been with her childminder since July. It started off really well and DD was happy and CM was really positive. However the last few weeks DD has been crying when she arrives, is miserable at times and won't settle when she sleeps - waking up the other babies. She also throws things when she doesn't get her way and hits (not other children I've been told). It's got to the stage where I dread pick up because there's always another negative thing that she's done. And the CM always tells me that she's nearly 2 as if she should know better at her age!
All of this has been stressing me out. And I worry that if it continues the CM will give me notice. I really don't want this to break down. My DD really likes the CM as do I.
So my questions to childminders are, is it normal to give such negative feedback all the time? Especially about a toddler. And would this sort of behaviour get you thinking about stopping the placement? Thanks.
I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Just to add, I'm a SEN teacher and we are discouraged from writing negative incidents in the home book.

Are you personally happy with your DD's development otherwise? I would be a bit about her sudden change...she was happy there before...so what's changed about the setting?

Ahh this sounds a bit sad, I think id be leaning towards looking for someone new but then you say you really like the CM? what are your thoughts on why DD is behaving this way?

My sons reception teacher is lovely but also quite negative and I find that really frustrating as, like your self, I am a teacher and have always been told its far better to give negative comments as a bit of a " s* sandwich " for want of a nicer expression xx

Hi, I'm a cm. Throwing things and hitting is perfectly normal at this age. Your cm needs to manage this behaviour and offer positive praise to encourage her not to do this.

I do offer feedback to parents, but always find something positive to say as well.

I would be a bit concerned about her crying when she arrives at the cm. It doesn't sound like she's too happy to be there.

Is it possible to look around for a different cm? The current one may just not be a good fit for you and your daughter.

Good luck x

19 months isn’t nearly two and even if she was hitting and throwing are age appropriate. CM sounds useless.

I've been happy with her development. She's starting to say some words and is usually very cheerful and funny. At pick up she's usually quite happy and not just to see me but because she's been ok. So I'm not sure what has changed and why she's so miserable in the mornings.
Thanks for your feedback. I also thought this was usual behaviour for a toddler but the CM would have me believe that she is acting out of the ordinary. I have tentatively started looking at nurseries for September. I do like the CM but maybe a bigger setting will be better for my DD.
I appreciate your feedback.

Agree sounds like normal toddler behaviour and cm Should know this

And find ways to stop it or try and prevent before happening with distraction etc

Maybe your CM is indicating she showing traits of behavioural issues or a disorder. But cannot quite figure out or pinpoint what it is.
CM are trained professionals and part of their training is picking up on disorders or behavioural issues ( not to suggest there is ) and notifying parents in a way like this is not what children do normally ,however ,she doing this and that etc etc so you could pass it on later to the gp or health visitor. Or maybe ask her what do you think could be triggering this sort of behaviour ? To allow her to explain further her thoughts or views . Maybe she actually does not mean nothing by it and it just like an update of what she was generally doing in the day which was throwing things.I don't think a cm would say anything negative with the intent of upsetting you or stressing you out .
When working in these settings you can easily pick up huge differences in behaviour and it is in your interest they highlight this so you are aware .
Sometimes, unpleasant facts are hard on the ears and noone likes to hear anything negative about their children but it is what it is. I suggest you ask her a few questions such as what do you think causing this behaviour? How could we work together to prevent this ? Is there anything you have noticed that triggers this? etc etc . . If this fails than think about introducing your daughter to a new setting or a new cm. But leaving just because you not told what basically you want to hear will not do you or your child any favours in the long run .

I agree Mum my friend's cm did the same thing to her...basically told her it wasn't working with my friend's DS...he was 18 months or so. He wouldn't settle...he was diagnosed with Autism a year later.

But OP is a special needs teacher...so she'd see the signs herself.

Mum
My post was mainly after opinions from CMs about when they feel it's time for a child to move on and also how they present feedback to the parents. All of a sudden my DD has behavioural issues and/or a disorder!

It sounds more like your CM hasn't clicked with your DD, even if your DD likes her.

I sent my DS to a preschool when he was 2.5. The manager took a dislike to him, he was quite loud and energetic rather than naughty but she found it difficult to manage. It was constant negative feedback, in front of him, and it started to make an impact on his behaviour at home. I'd leave pick up crying about it because I knew he was lovely but the preschool painted him as 'bad'.

After 6 months, I moved him to a different preschool. His teacher and TA's there nurtured him, calmed him right down, highlighted his positives and basically made him feel wanted and proud. They really put the time and effort into him rather than writing him off and kept saying 'he's only 3, he's little, he's learning'. He's turned into the loveliest little boy (now 5) but I think if I'd not moved him, it could have been a different story.

I'd be weary leaving your DD somewhere that sounds like the main carer isn't pouring lots of good into her and rather focusing on her 'negatives'. At nearly 2, she just needs teaching how to be kind and socially acceptable in a loving way rather than constantly told off or whinged about.

If you think your trust relationship with the CM has broken down, then maybe it is time to move on.

But what if your next childcare provider highlights similar issues? Do you move on again? And again........?

Worse still, what if the next provider is caught up in this fashion for "no negative comments"? All too often, adults working with children say "s/he's been fine" because they’ve been made fearful of addressing genuine issues in case it 'causes offence'.

What if, just possibly, those things labelled "negative feedback" were in fact honest feedback?

When she says lo is nearly 2 could she be highlighting the fact that she is reaching the stage that used to be called the terrible twos but actually starts much younger?
At around this age children go through another clingy stage could this be the reason why she cries at drop off?

I'm a nanny not a childminder, but

1. Her behaviour sounds hard work/difficult, but completely normal! Most children of that age are quite hard work!

2. I'm a big believer in honest feedback. The absolute crux of the relationship between childcarer and parent is honesty. I don't believe 'good lies' are helpful to anyone. To protect her job your childminder could easily tell you DD is fine and happy and never cries at sleep time and gets on with everyone. She's putting her job on the line telling you that DD is acting out and isn't always settled. Value that honesty.

That said, I would always sandwich the bad news between two bits of good news so that overall message was still positive!

3. Going through the odd period of being upset at drop off is quite normal. If she's been going happily for months and it's only been a few weeks of difficult drop offs I wouldn't uproot her yet. Give it a bit more time. Very often these things come and go. Does she send pictures of DD during the day to show she's settled? Is there any chance you could drop off and then peek through a window to see how quickly she settles (tell the childminder you're going to do this so she know you're not spying on her!).

4. Have you seen this change in her behaviour at home? Is she moving towards the stroppy toddler age? Does she hit/throw etc. if you take her to a playgroup or similar?

Fair comments Itsa and Nuffsaid I really don't mind hearing negative feedback and I certainly appreciate honest feedback too but it's quite dispiriting if nothing positive or at least constructive is offered.
That being said i was too hasty in thinking about moving her, in fact it was more of a response to being worried that the childminder might say it wasn't working for her.
She displays all the behaviours at home and is a stroppy so and so! So nothing being said is new
Anyway thanks for your time everyone.

Maybe the childminder just needs a gentle reminder that you need the positive as well as the negative.

Could you broach with her, maybe in a light-hearted/jokey way just say 'oh no! Not another day of bad behaviour! She must have done something well today?!' or 'Please, tell me something good she did today!!'.

The good thing is if she's excatly the same at home then you know she's sufficiently at home at the childninders to be herself! It's not anything that's happening there that's triggering it, just a phase!

Different childminders have different approaches to feedback. I work with my partner and he tends to give much more blunt feedback than I do. E.g. if a child has had a rough day and played up a bit, I might say ‘she’s been a little bit tired and we did have an incident of her hitting another child, but we had a chat and a cuddle and she was much more settled this afternoon after her nap. It is really normal to hit at this age....’ etc etc etc. My partner would say ‘She’s has a rough day today. She hit another child and we had to have words, but she’s been more settled this afternoon’. I think he’s too direct (who wants to hear negatives about their child they have missed all day as soon as they finish a long day of work?!) whereas he thinks I brush over things and don’t always get to the point. Different mannerisms is all.
R.E. The crying when she arrives. I REALLY wouldn’t worry. At 19 months old your daughter is at an age where she’s able to recognise that you are about to leave when she arrives at the childminder’s house. And this is why she cries. She isn’t yet old enough to think ‘oh I’m at the childminders i’m going to do loads of fun things like last week!’. I sometimes compare it to when you really love your job, but you still get those last minute tummy flutters as you head into the office (or in my case when the first parent knocks on the door!). Most of our children arrive each day with a huge smile on their face, but equally some do not. The important thing is that she settles quickly once you leave and that childminder believes she is happy the majority of the time.