How to manage through the next few months of a Nanny that won't listen?

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I'll start by saying I can't sack the nanny, or give her notice. She finishes in August. Nanny's aren't a thing around here, and finding one is extremely difficult. Not to mention for such a short period of time. I can't work unless I have a nanny, for now. So I need to try and make the best of a bad situation.

My Nanny will not listen. She does everything the way she wants to, regardless of my request be it verbal or written.

Some examples (some obviously worse than others, but it all adds up to driving me crazy): feeding the children unhealthy breakfasts and desserts when I have asked her to give certain items. She brings these extra foods to the house. One of my children is close to the overweight BMI centile and I have to be careful to keep him in the healthy range (he is - just).
Allowing my 6 year old child with ADHD to run ahead up the main road (and my 3 year old).
Not doing homework readings or spellings when I have written it in the daily list. She says she won't make him to them if he says no (he is 6 and has additional needs - he won't do them unless you actually sit and make him!). This is impacting on my weekend family time as I am having to complete them all.
Not putting the toys back in the correct sets so I am having to come home to piles of dumped mixed sets of toys and sorting them. This is every single day. The children know where they go so I can not understand the issue.
Moving my furniture around to arrangements she thinks are better.
Moving mine and the childrens things around so I can not find them. Eg. Hair brush in the morning, water bottles, coats, even my make up remover. We lost the ipad for 4 days after she moved it and forgot where she put it.
Never completing a full task. She does the majorty of the ironing (she does a nanny/housekeeper role as the children are at school and nursery). Yet when I get home there is ironing everywhere. Some is hung on hangers around the place. Some folded up mixed with the non iron items. She isn't generally asked to do loads of washing, but she does them anyway and washes everything so I come home to piles of dried clothes to put away, or a mix of wet and dry items, random piles of ironing. It is literally washing chaos when I get home from a 12.5 hour shift. I've asked her to hang things. And shown her (inc. Sending pictures) where things go. She sometimes puts some things away. But not often. And when she does she will mix the boys clothes up even though they have completely different sizes (3-4 and 6-7).
I write things I'd like her to do in a daily journal, but she will do the exact opposite. She ticks them off to say she has done them, but all she has done is created me double the work (undoing what she did ans re-doing it correctly).

I am miserable. Coming home from exhausting 12.5 hour shifts to a disorganised mess is draining the life out if me.

I am aware I have pretty high standards, so I try not to judge based on my standards. I am a highly orgnaised person, and my house is well orgnaised. She doesn't walk in to a mess. I am well aware not everyone is like this. But I just can't say I'm okay with what she is doing. I am paying to me what is a crazy amount of childcare costs, just so I can mantain my career for the short term. I run at a £100 deficit each month as I know come September ill be £1000 in profit for maintaining a professional career as a single mum of preschool aged kids. It is taking over my life. Making me dread each night as another work day creeps around. I know it doesn't sound much, but this is my home! It is supposed to be my sanctury. I feel like all aspects of my life are being violated.

Last week I came home to find her used tampon applicator on my bathroom side. Along with wet towels all over the place, bath toys dumped on the side right next to the net they go in to. The toothbrushes were left on the side loaded (she clearly forgot to do their teeth). None of the bathroom products were put back in the cabinet. Add that to the usual missing items, washing all over the house, and a child she had allowed to stay up late without asking me if it was okay to do that..and I feel like I am going crazy!

Wow.. she sounds untidy and disorganised at best. Have you actually told her in so many words that she is not doing what you pay her to do and it's unacceptable? I would give her a pay cut until things are done right, if you cannot sack her.

Where are you? How much are you wanting and for what money?

This sounds like an unresolvable situation. You can't possibly continue like this until August. And What if she quits?

Find a new nanny.

You say that you can't sack her because you need her.
How much does she need the job?

I would try not writing anything in the journal. Pointless writing things in if they don't get done, so just leave it blank.

The children know where they go - Good, perhaps they can be rewarded for taking action themselves to tidy up. They have seen how you organise the house so they know how you like things. Your 6 year old may like structure and routine, so may like order to things. May dislike actually tidying things away but may be motivated by an incentive. You know him best so know what might help him take responsibility for tidying up - though it could be a complete disaster. At age 6 I wouldn't have tidied up.

Sorry, not much help am I. Not sure what can you do... you need her to be there and you don't seem to have any other choices.

You've got to sit down and read her a version of hat you've said here. Don't be nice about it; be as brutal as you've been here and tell her that from the next day, thing a are changing and if tasks have not been completed according to instructions then she will stay late to complete them again.

Every night you need to walk her around the house and point at all the things she did wrongly.

With homework, you need to tell her that these are your children, not hers so homework will be done as you instruct, not as she would do with her own. So you tell her it must be done, which means she just make him do it.

Put her on notice and tell her if she fixes these issues then she can stay. If that doesn't make her change then really, you do need a new nanny.

Can you really live like this for the next 5 months?

I think your nanny is taking the piss and you should give her notice. She's not carrying out her duties as you've asked her and it sounds like she has NO respect for you. It sounds awful.

Where are you based? Could you find a cm who could do pick ups from nursery/school for you?

I would really explore alternatives for your children's safety and your sanity.

Good luck x

Either let a lot of stuff go and accept you do it (the only really vital thing is the safety by the road) or start proactively managing her - so verbal warning, written warnings, disciplinary meeting.

I'd actually be tempted to cut all the housekeeping stuff, demote her to "babysitter" and pay minimum wage. Give her contractual notice this will happen as she is unable to fulfil her nanny duties.

She doesnt sound like a professional nanny. Does she have a childcare qualification? Does she have first aid, nanny insurance? What are you paying per hour?
I expect you are paying a low rate and have an inexperienced person. Did you take referances when you employed her? Did you speak to those families?
If she is causing such a problem , sack. Use a childminder.

You'd be better off with a childminder end and start of day, if possible and leave the housekeeper bit.

OP - I am so upset for your situation. I wish I could personally help somehow.

Do you have space for a live-in?

Could you contact an agency and get someone on a short term contact? There are much more competent au pairs out there.

I agree with you about everything except the homework. With everything else she has to do, I can see feeling powerless when a child is refusing to do homework. I work with a child with additional needs, and he won't do craft. I can't make him. I set it up for him and his sister, and he outright refuses it on a good day, destroys it on a bad one. If the child has ADHD and struggles with homework, I'd talk to the school about it. It sounds like additional support and advice may be needed from them.

Oh god OP what you have here is a myriad of issues but namely:

1. Safety (letting your children run ahead)
2. Hygiene (tampon applicator yuk)
3. Disregard for real health needs (fatty foods for hi BMI child).

I wish I could offer some advice but I’m in London where nannies are ten a penny (but great ones are rare).

All I can pluck out of my head is have your DC ever been in nursery and could you “poach” one of the existing staff?

Could you try a nanny share (sounds like this will not be an option maybe) by advertising on something like Childcare.co.uk and “speed date” with the other set of parents (and the nanny)?

Hwo did you get her, wa it a complete one off? Ultimately if nannies are so hard to get she has you over a barrel

I think that a lot of this is not on but not awful. I think those things you will have to let slide. I think the tampon applicator you will have to mention and hopefully that will be enough to make her careful about that.

With the running ahead how do you know she does this (you are not there(?)). I think either you trust her to know your kids boundaries or you just can't trust her at all.

Laundry - either ask her to do none or put up with it.

Homework - most nannies would struggle to do more than ask a child to do it I think. You may just have to do it at weekend (or just don't do it).

Leaving stuff / moving stuff / not putting stuff away. I think you will have to let go if you really can't replace her. It's not worth your stress. Make sure your stuff is in your room. Ask her not to go in there - repeat repeat repeat and the rest leave.

It sounds really annoying but August is not far off.

I would simplify things, if she is not good at organising. And she won’t be as good as you at managing your kids, may be struggling with the pace of caring for a child with ADHD?

I would take the washing out of her role. Let go of untidy toys, mismatched sets and bath toys - she might blitz them once it gets obviously untidy, you don’t have time to worry about this right now.

Can you meet up away from the dc to discuss what she is enjoying, and what she is finding hard, to try and make the next few months better. Listen and try to understand how she works/what makes her tick. Give her some positive warm feedback and then choose one thing you would like to raise eg safety. Work on the relationship first, the listening will follow.

Where on earth did you find her?

How long has she been with you?

What are you paying her?

And can you cope being stressed for next few months

I would find someone else and get rid of her

Every night you need to walk her around the house and point at all the things she did wrongly.

I agree with this advice if you have to keep her and she won't quit.

I think you need to lower your standards as finding a nanny willing to do 12.5 hour shifts might be difficult. For example I would not worry too much about the homework, reduce the toys so there are fewer to tidy up (you can circulate them weekly/monthly in batches), stick labels for essentials and train the children (the ipad lives in such and such a place etc), reduce the ironing by using non-iron clothes as much as possible. No point giving her lists if she ignores them. And just accept that life with young children is chaotic and messy a lot of the time, rather than expecting her to be organised and giving yourself stress.

op do we share the same nanny? im also in a similar position that its so difficult to find a nanny where i am. i end up on fridays clearing up again, spend weekends trying to find where the ipads are, monday mornings going nuts trying to find where she put the school shoes. ive tried saying it, writing it, nothing works. . unfortunately kids love her as she just does everything they want.