AIBU? Au pair demands

[Goldilocks3Bears]

Our au pair is three weeks in and works a 25 hour week with any extra hour advised in advance (if I have to work late etc)
Week 1 - kids away for half term and did very little and was shown around the area by me and family
Week 2 - I had one long day at work for which she got overtime, other days I wfh or was home an hour before she is expected to work
Week 3 - I stated clearly during hiring process that due to my work it’s not possible to have another job in the week. I’ve now agreed to her working Fridays as I’m normally home early and/or the kids go to dad’s.

I’ve made it very clear during the hiring process that housework is included and provided a schedule of what’s on each day, for example yesterday was “putting out recycling, 10 minutes”.

The childcare is one school run and two clubs for the youngest, keeping kids alive until I get home and cooking them tea. I cook two out of five working days.

Yesterday, I did the washing of the kids clothes and asked her to take it out the dryer and fold and put away. She did the folding but then complained that this has not been itemised in her duties so she shouldn’t be doing it.

This then led to an emotive conversation about flexibility and she was complaining that our schedule wasn’t the same each week so she “couldn’t plan her life”.

I think she’s being unreasonable as so far the schedule has overall been strongly in her favour. I feel like she’s forgotten she’s an au pair and behaving like a lodger and expects to be able to sign up for evening classes and social events from 7pm with no regard for any flexibility around my hours.

She’s also got the hump that there are not any language courses that suits her five months in the UK, that the only spinning class she can make is expensive and that there aren’t any salsa classes daily. I’ve gone through hoops to get her engaged in local life and she’s doing six hours a week language based learning for FREE through a local charity for foreign people.

She comes from a small town and I can’t imagine that they have a dozen gyms and free English lessons so I think she’s behaving entitled.

AIBU?

You do kind of sound like you're treating her like a nanny instead

@multiplemum3 how is that? What specifically would you see as the distinction here. I have had au pairs for a decade and never had anyone behave like this. Our house is not a difficult house to be au pair in compared to other working mum families and I include her in all family activities (if she wants), shop for her tastes, etc.
I’d be curious to hear what you do with your own au pairs that is different and where you think I’m treating her like a nanny.

So she's not a good fit. You're not happy with her, ask her to leave and fine someone else! I'd be unimpressed too. My one foray into using an Au Pair ended in a disaster. I sent her home after 3 weeks.

How were the extra time/cleaning dutoes stipulated during hiring process? Is it written down? Could it have got lost in translation if just mentioned in passing?

I think it's worth sitting down and going over schedules etc. once more. Male it clear that every week WILL be different due to your hours, so if she wants to stay, that's the deal. She may just not understand exactly what's expected.

You sound very welcoming, hope it works out.

She sounds high maintenance given you were clear with expectations before she accepted the role. Time for a sit down to ensure your expectations are re-confirmed. If she doesn't agree then send her packing and find a new one.

Sorry for typos - BFing.

@mrsbosh I explained in detail and with a schedule of what was required but clearly wasn’t granular enough. I feel like her stance is as if I asked her to help clear the kitchen after dinner but didn’t explain that this includes scraping leftovers in the bin

Just checked back on our emails and we even had a thread on my working hours, with specific examples from that week.

I’m finding this very odd

I dont think the au pair system is good. A nanny/housekeeper for half the price. A lot of these young girls dont see it as an employment. Some of them are taken advantage of. Some many opportunities for issues on both sides

OP when do you give her a weekly schedule? It might be an idea to remind her that your families needs will change a little from week to week, but that you'll give her the schedule on Friday/Saturday for the following week so that she can plan then. I would also show her that email about your working hours again.

Ultimately though you don't want to have either an unhappy au pair or unhappy host family and it does sound as if its not for her.

I agree. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sounds like have been clear in expectations and she just doesn't want to be an AP.

You've been very fair in giving her an upfront itemised schedule and you have gone above and beyond in involving her in local FREE language classes (which she doesn't seem to appreciate). If she is moaning about how folding some clothes isn't itemised on the schedule, it sounds as if she is 'working to rule' /grumpy teenager and this isn't good. If she is looking to 'clock off' the minute you walk through the front door this also isn't good. Your expectations are clashing - I feel she wants to be treated as an employee (itemised tasks, clock off to gyms etc) and you require (and should have) flexibility which you stipulated in hiring process. This is not a good match. Listen to your instincts and send her home. (speaking as a full time parent who relies on au pairs).

if you've had au pairs for 10 years I'm not sure why you seem so unsure of your ground here - you must know if this is the norm or not by now?

Only thing I would suggest looks unreasonable is if you expect her to be available every evening just in case - she should surely be able to know for sure that she has particular regular chunks of time off so she can make some plans? I could well have read your post wrongly though and she does in fact have that.

@rivertam because this has never happened before and i wanted to hear others’ experiences..... I’ve overall had very positive experiences. My IRL friend thinks it’s my last au pairs fault as she was super organised, loved every minute and could see the value for all parties.

@erictheguineapig (great name) the schedule doesn’t change on the fly. I give a few days or more notice of late days at work, not text her at 5.30 to say I’m late. The reality of my job and commute is some days I’m working from home, some days I’m home at 5.30 and sometimes I get just after 7pm depending on the trains. That was made very clear with this precise example in the hiring process but it seems now she’s here, she doesn’t see why that varies and wants her social life to be the priority. For this reason I have also said she can’t work evenings in the week, as much because she’s get in late and then be knackered the next morning.

PS - she’s done 2 hours today maximum. The kids were gone by 4.30

As you say, her social life is her priority. You haven't done anything wrong, it just isn't going to work out.

I had one like this. Constantly wanted to pin me down so she could make plans. As far as I was concerned the whole point of an au pair was to give me the flexibility a babysitter wouldn't! She eventually made plans for four nights of the week and nearly all weekend. I didn't let her go but I wish I had as I really grew to resent her. She wasn't a particularly nice person and made me fee uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm someone who really likes a schedule. We also rely on our au pair to be there when I've asked, so in return I do schedule everything, and I don't ask for extra housework above whatever I've requested within the 25 hours. Our work timetables are different every week but I do make sure the au pair has their schedule at least a week in advance and I usually do it for a month at a time. Is something like that feasible for you?