Can someone please help explain this to me like I'm 5

[Dumbledorker]

My exdh works shifts, 4 days on, 4days off
He has two dds age 4 and 8 for 3 nights a week.
It's on his first day off that he has them so for example week 1 will be ... Mon tues wed. Week 2 tues wed thurs. Week 3... wed thurs fri .. and so on.
First of all I'm finding it really difficult to find a job that will work for me around these hours and I'm getting so frustrated.

If I get a job that doesn't work to these hours and so I will have a childminder for the girls after school what will happen when it lands on his days?
Will the girls still be contracted to go to the childminder? Will he have to pay anything towards the cost of child minding? What happens in the holidays ? Will I be able to afford childcare on minimum wage or will it take up all my earnings? How do childcare vouchers work if I'm entitled?
I'm absolutely clueless about how it all works and feel so stupid. I've never had to use childcare before and I'm so worried I will end up out of pocket or something or that il make a mistake and not calculate my shifts and childcare hours properly leaving me without care one day.
I honestly feel so thick.
What if the job I get gives me different shift patterns to the month before? I have been a sahm for the last 10 years while married I just dont know where to start at all.

Sorry I meant to say they are our dd's not his. I've just read that back and it looks confusing

Wow that's a bit tricky. Can you hire a nanny who can work flexible shifts? Childcare centres usually require set days that are based on what they have available.

What kind of job would you be looking for? In the NHS, (i don't know about other sectors) yoi could get a job as HCSW on the staff bank and choose your working days covering shifts in various wards and hospitals, or with an agency.

Unfortunately you will find it very hard to get a job that fits in with that shift pattern unless you are on the exact same shift pattern.

What you should do is just look for any job that suits you/you’re qualified for and arrange childcare for those days regardless of whether the days fall on his contact days or not. Then he can decide whether or not to send them to childcare and let the childminder/after school carer know.

Does he pay child support? If not, go to CSA and start a claim. If he does then you could ask him if he will contribute to the cost of childcare. Unfortunately there is no legal obligation for him to do this. He only has to pay child support at the legal minimum which may not be enough for his share of childcare. But that’s the way it is.

If you claim working tax credits then you will be entitled to a childcare element of up to70% for registered childcare.

There is also the tax free childcare scheme but I have no experience of that or how it affects tax credits.

I completely understand how hard this seems right now.

Me and my DP both work shifts and they’re utterly confusing for us, nevermnd his 2 FC. Basically we set a court order up and the days differ every week due to shifts. It’s hard work. After school clubs or family help may be a better option than childminder due to you paying whether you go or not. Both kids are school age so you won’t be entitled to most vouchers but could still enquire. You will get child benefit, CSA (unless contact is 50/50) and other tax credits so that should help towards costs. You need to work out benefits and outgoing in comparison to your wages and outgoings and whatever gives you most money, work with. You’re lucky enough (in some ways) to be able to work it out now before you find a job, rather than already have a job and they won’t accommodate your hours.

On the other hand. Your ex may have to go halves on childcare even in his time (if childcare permits this) or get his family to help out if they’re willing (due to his shifts being the issue) or tell him to put a flexible working pattern in place at his job. Other than that there’s not a lot you can do.

Ask for a copy of his shift pattern (should be a certain about of weeks to his patten, say a 6 week cycle?) and then sit down and work out which days you need help for which weeks (if you’re looking at 9-5 or similar) and it will all make sense when you break it down.

Other than that a solicitor can do it for you and charge you a small fortune. If you’re amicable try and sort it out together, the less it impacts the kids the better.

Good luck

Btw the childcare will still have to be paid for whether he sends them or not.

If you're doing shared care then I kind of think because you're organising contact around his working rota then he should be helping towards the costs of paid childcare.

The only reason he's not paying childcare costs himself is because of your flexibility with contact, or he'd have to do what other parents do and organise his own childcare for the half a week they are with him and work clash.

It seems unfair that your the only one pulling out childcare expenses. He'd have similar expenses if you had a set days schedule. Woolf suggesting a different arrangement work so the expenses are more shared or would he help pay for the days you need it? Also what would happen if he's meant to have the dc on Tuesday but he phones you Monday night to say he's been called into work cos short staffed, would that then mean he'd expect you to not go to your own job or that you'd have to run about sorting and paying for last minute childcare?

I agree with previous poster that you will need to find a job first and work childcare around that. If a Childminder had space they might let you pay for set number of days a week and those might vary depending on when exdh worked. It might mean paying sometimes when you don't need to or choosing to send them when your not at work. Is there after school club available that you could book each week? Again it would depend on space available.

It is too late to sign up for childcare vouchers if your work place did provide them as they are only offered for existing employees. The new system is available for all not dependent on the employer. Information on eligibility and how it works is here www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Thankyou for all your replies already

He does seem to have a huge say in when he is having them as sometimes he will tell me he cant have them on certain days. For example a few weeks ago he said he had to work his first day off which was a Sunday. This was because he had taken a day off during the week for a funeral.
I said it was ok. If I said I had already got plans I hate to say it but he would have probably told me that theres nothing he could do about it.
It is very much him telling me when hes having them rather than him asking me.
Its same with what time he picks them up and drops them off.
I have no say and I must make sure I am home.
If i disagree then we get in a heated arguement often leaving me feeling like I cant think of a response as I feel confused until I've thought about it afterwards its just not worth it.

I feel at such a loss there is so much happening right now that I cant explain properly and I feel overwhelmed. I feel it would be unfair for me to brunt all of the cost as I'm working around his shifts because he had the shifts first and so gets first dibs on when he gets the kids. I feel he has an easy life. The woman he left me for works at the same company and so it was pretty easy to sort themselves out for work and childcare for her 3 children (his now stepchildren) and when he gets choose to have our 2 children.
They have just had another baby together too who was sadly born 12 weeks early and so hes taking up to 12 weeks off work and has just told me the days of which he has our girls may change because of visiting hours. I dont want to be a pain in the arse at this hard time for them but I just feel like I'm struggling financially so much.
I'm on income support with 3 children (my eldest 13 year old ds isn't his) , I cant afford a holiday at all and live week to week no savings.
I have no work experiance as he was the one who worked and I stayed at home.
I just feel miserable and so stuck.

I'm tempted to see about having set days every fortnight and he would have to pay the childcare on the days he has them but is working. I dont know where to start. I will be named as the biggest bitch on the planet by his family as I always am because he can do no wrong.
I dont want to make anyones life difficult and especially at this time with the baby too. I just know If I approach this with him it will open a whole load of arguments that I havent got the energy to deal with. I end up feeling rubbish for days because somehow hes always in the right.

You sound like you need a contact agreement. This will stop you feeling guilty and stop him feeling entitled to change things at last minute (except for emergencies). This will state when he has them ie every other weekend and half of holidays, or split week. You can then arrange your work schedule. If they are due to be with him and he needs to work then it is his responsibility to arrange childcare for those days

I'm just looking for call centre work at the moment.

Yes he pays csa. He has them for 3 nights a week and so that's what csa have calculated it out as. It used to be 2 nights but he had to pay another £20 a week.
I found out the kids arent staying at his house for the full 3 nights they stay at his parents 1 night.
I mentioned this to csa because I didnt know if this made sense and they said unless he has the children in his care then it's not classed as a night.
He argued with me that they stay at my mums but that once every blue moon. The kids are staying regular at his parents 1 night a week but hes claiming for 3 . When I raised this with him they completely stopped having the kids altogther and it went back to 2 nights a week. He also works on the side too. Earning £100's on a side job sometimes which he does on his days off while the kids are at his parents. I cant report him because I wouldnt want the kids see their dad sent to prison so I just pretend I dont know.

justagirlwholovesaboy it just worries me that if I go down this route that it will be seen as me trying to complicate matters now that their baby has arrived and I know he needs to visit baby often in hospital for the next couple of months but meanwhile I'm in a right pickle and dont want to complicate matters. In June i cant claim income support any longer due to my youngest turning 5 so i need to get a job asap. Plus i havent got the money to afford a solicitor either to arrange contact properly.

It is possible to find childcare to work around varying shift patterns without having to pay for what you don't need.
I work shifts on a ten day rota pattern, so the days and times I'm working/off are different every week. DH works normal Mon-Fri office hours. We have a childminder who is flexible enough to accomodate our childcare needs, but doesn't insist we pay for every day regardless of whether we need her. We do pay a bit more over and above the normal hourly rate for the flexibility, but it's absolutely worth it.
We both ussd to work shifts and that was a nightmare to juggle with childcare. So I would suggest getting a job within normal weekday office hours and finding flexible childcare to fit your needs. You can ask local childminders now to find out if they would consider the flexibility you need. Alternatively you could get a nanny. But they are more expensive, they are unlikely to want to work part time on different days every week, and you would be their employer with all the responsibility that entails.
I'd rule out nurseries altogether, they won't offer any flexibility in my experience.
Another viable solution is to arrange for set days for the DC to be with your ex. Aside from the childcare issue he would then have (not your responsibility), that may not work as the DC may not see him at all if he's working on his contact days, which isn't great for them.

Whatever you do, please don't give up on the idea of working because of your ex's shift pattern. There is always a way to make things work for you. Good luck!

Yes go and get set days sorted OP. He’s making it impossible for you to have a job, which is just wrong.
So what if he calls you a bitch for doing it. He’s acting like a bitch now 🤷🏻‍♀️

The childcare shouldn’t just be for you to worry about, he’s a parent too.

I hope you get sorted.