Challenging mindee

[IfWishesWereKisses]

I have two siblings who have recently started with me. The older sibling is great however the younger sibling is proving to be very challenging. The younger sibling is almost 6 and I provide wraparound care for both - we are in week three of the 4 week settling in period.

The younger sibling does not like it when they don’t get their own way and whenever this happens starts screaming and crying about how unfair everything is then starts throwing toys or lies on the floor and refuses to move. I have discussed with their parents and have tried a number of strategies but nothing seems to prevent these episodes. Today we had one in the morning where they claimed their shoes had been moved from where they had placed them when they came in....they hadn’t but there was no reasoning and I spent 10 minutes trying to calm them down. This afternoon’s episode was down to not getting to wash their hands first, this escalated to refusing to wash hands completely and lying on the bathroom floor screaming.

Last week was particularly difficult as it was half term here and overthe two days they were here they had 20 episodes like this.

I am struggling to know where to go with this behaviour and my 7 year old child is struggling to cope with it and is now desperately unhappy when they are here.

I would welcome any advice from other childminders as I’m feeling really out of my depth with this.

I’m assuming the "settling in period" defines the period within which either party can give immediate notice, right? The first thing I would do is to extend this by a further four weeks because you (and probably the parents) may need a 'get out'. This won’t fix the underlying issue, but will serve to take some of the time pressure off. You may need to keep rolling this deadline back until everyone is happy to commit, or until one party gives notice. Not ideal, but working a full 4 week notice period after an arrangement has clearly broken down is not a nice experience.

I strongly recommend you speak to the legal team at your insurer/professional representative body to ensure you go the right way about extending the settling in period. It needs to be handled sensitively when you explain face-to-face, and formally backed up in writing.

If you’re a Pacey member, call them and request a telephone appointment with a Pacey Associate. Someone will then call you back at an arranged time to offer advice and support. These are highly skilled and experienced childminders who will listen and make suggestions. Make a note of the associate's name, as you may wish to speak to the same person again to review progress or try a different strategy.

It’s difficult to give specific advice without understanding the whole picture. What strategies have you tried, and how did she respond? Are there specific flashpoint situations or is it just a determined campaign of all-out resistance to you?

Try to get a realistic picture. Twenty incidents in two days will naturally feel like hard work, but are things ok in between incidents? What is going well? What is the difference in circumstances/environmental factors when things go well or badly?

You need good information from her other environments: home, school and anywhere else she goes regularly. This can be tricky, as parents and teachers can sometimes be unreliable, so everyone needs to understand it’s in the child's best interests if everyone is honest and candid.

Sounds like she is the baby of the family and is used to her own way, what does everyone do when she has a tantrum?
If a child started screaming about being first they would be at the back of the queue here and if they didn't wash their hands fine but your not eating until done and leave to get on with it while everyone else eats with no attention. As you've only had 3 weeks and tried everything maybe your not sticking to one thing for long enough and its confusing?
Id extend settling in and look at clear boundaries do a session on what everyone agrees are the rules, weve done an okay nobody likes to tidy up so lets do it your way no room to play etc. session so what would be a good way to make room for what we want to do? The children discussed the house rules and what made it fun for all.
I have a hall box for each child put your stuff in it and you find it system but if they are not there wait until area is cleared by others and look yourself so if a tantrum started we would all just walk away if we had to get out id just get everyone else to be ready and start putting them in the car with a come on find your shoes or you will look funny bare feet most manage to find and put them on in time to get out the door, some test me and have to start leaving without shoes magically grabbing them at the door once they realise I'm not doing it for them they stop the tantrum.

Do you need them financially?

I would definitely extend the trial period but would be considering parting ways if this child was having a negative impact on my own child.

Apologies for the lack of response, it’s been another challenging week.

Yes, the 4 week settling in period is part of the contract where both parties can remove themselves without notice.

The behaviour is consistent in the theme of ‘nothing is fair’ and ‘I don’t want to do that’ and whenever something happens that they don’t like they literally erupt into a temper of screaming and crying, lying on the floor, hitting etc. Examples of triggers from this week have been someone moved their shoes (they hadn’t), someone was sitting in the seat they wanted, someone beat them to the bathroom to wash their hands before them, they didn’t want to wash their hands, then they didn’t want to use soap, it wasn’t a specific food for tea, someone has a toy they want. There is no obvious trigger ie tiredness. In most of these instances the mindee, if they have had something in their hands it has been agressively thrown at the floor and on a couple of occasions they have behaved aggressively towards other mindees.

When I say I have tried everything I mean I have removing mindee from the situation to a quiet area and explaining why I have done this and why whatever they have done is not acceptable. I have given choices where appropriate eg you can choose to not wash your hands and not have snack or you can choose to wash your hands and have snack. I have been trying social stories each day at quiet times to explain turn taking and staying calm and hand washing with no obvious difference.

I have sat both parents down and had a chat with them and they have agreed that behaviour has been an issue for a long time and that they were asked to leave another childminder before due to behaviour.

I have agreed with the parents that I will extend the settling in period by another 4 weeks however I am now aware that there are behaviour issues at school and they have been called into a multi agency meeting due to this.

I feel awful for them and I don’t want to give up on them but I’m concerned that I don’t have the knowledge or experience to deal with the issues this child has....

Sometimes you have to accept that a child is not a good fit in your setting. If the child's behaviour is having a negative impact on the other children you have to consider what is best for all the children in your care and not just this particular child.

I think you need to explain clearly to the parents that if the behaviour does not improve after the extended settling in period then you will have no other option but to cease providing childcare for this child.