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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Advice on childminder please

15 replies

karenj2000 · 04/07/2007 13:45

I have always got on fine with my childminder of two years who now looks after my two kids. I recently had an incident where one of her friends waited for me knowing when I was due to pick up my kids to confront me outside the childminders house (my kids could hear) about a problem the eldest had with her daughter at school and my reaction to it. Since this has happened this friend is round my childminders nearly every morning and I dont feel as though I can take my youngest child into the house and so I say goodbye on the doorstep instead. This friend has also been there after school when my son is there and he told me he was really worried and uncomfortable with her there. Yesterday the friend didnt think I saw her pull a stupid face at me from her car when she passed me (obvious she still doesnt like me!). If she is going to be like this and one of my children doesn't feel right being in the childminders when she is there what can I do?

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dmo · 04/07/2007 13:50

this sounds a really odd situation
why is this friend at your childminders all the time?
i would phone your childminder and explain that your child is unconfortable with her friend there and you feel unable to pass the doorstep in the morning

hopefully your childminder will assit you and help you and hopefully the friend will no longer go around in the mornings.
if not then i feel you should look elsewhere

Furzella · 04/07/2007 13:54

If you've always got on well with the childminder, why don't you ask her if you could find a bit of time to talk about this - preferably when your kids aren't there. Would she mind if you popped back in the evening when your other half is at home? She might also be uncomfortable about how her friend is bahving, or not realise the extent of the problem. If she's had your kids for two years, she'll probably want to continue looking after them, so will probably be prepared to work with you to find a solution that makes you all happy. Also, it might all blow over - some people get very upset on their children's behalf and once the children have got over the falling out, the parents forget about it too.

If that doesn't work and you've tried to fix it by sensible negotiation, possibly that's the time to start looking for someone else to help you. You can't have your children looked after in the long term in a situation where you and they are uncomfortable.

fifilou · 04/07/2007 13:57

I think you need to talk to your childminder about this, she is probably feeling just as worried about the situation as you!

It seems a shame to pull your children out of the arrangement if its not her fault but her friends. could you arrange to go out for a coffee or drink with her to talk about it? (away fromm the children?)

what was the problem- or cant you say?

Original poster

karenj2000 · 04/07/2007 14:03

Thanks for the advice. I would normally talk freely to my childminder about anything but this is her best friend and I dont want to do anything to make this situation worse, or more to the point have this friend start on me again infront of my kids as last time I really had to control what I said knowing that my children could be listening. I also dont want to force my childminder into a choice between her friend or her job as I would hate to be put in that situation myself. My eldest child has also said that this friends swears in front of him but as this is hearsay again I dont want to raise something that could possibly ignite the situation.

OP posts:

fifilou · 04/07/2007 14:08

i know it must be difficult but if you dont say anything you will just feel uncomfortable and so will your children.

If you take them out of her care- she will feel terrible, she will want to know why- what will you say?

i really think you need to chat to her about it.

Original poster

karenj2000 · 04/07/2007 14:16

You are right, of course! I have to say something but choose the time and what I say very carefully. I wont mention the swearing thing as I have not heard it. I dont really want to go into what happened too much but my son was beaten up by a group of girls, including the friends girl, at school and I asked for the parents to get in touch with me to try to nip it in the bud rather than me going to the police (which I was very tempted to do at the time). All of the other parents called me and we talked it through like reasonable adults but this woman went off on one.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 04/07/2007 14:18

Most people don't get to have their friends hang out with them when they work... It's not really a choice. If it makes your children uncomfortable and she is being paid to look after them, there is no question of what she should do to my mind...

fifilou · 04/07/2007 14:20

you sound like a wonderful mum with your head screwed on! what an intelligent way of dealing with it!

I think some parents cant accept it when their child has done wrong and this 'friend' sounds like one of them. i totally understand the problem now, its a really tricky situation but you know you have to talk to her about it.

i hope the problem of the bullying gets solved quickly. poor love!

and well done for handling it so well, i think your son is lucky to have you.

Original poster

karenj2000 · 04/07/2007 14:29

Thanks but I dont feel so great now or think that i dealt with it in the right way if this friend is now causing a problem. My son said that when the friend was there last week he just sat on a chair hunched up and didnt say anything much until I arrived.

OP posts:

fifilou · 04/07/2007 14:30

I think you dealt with it perfectly-its this daft woman thats behaving like a child!

Original poster

karenj2000 · 04/07/2007 14:34

Thanks Fifilou -you have restored my faith!

OP posts:

fifilou · 04/07/2007 14:38

your welcome! Hang in there! I'm sure it will be ok, keep us posted on how it goes, and try not to worry about it too much, youve done a great job of sorting a horrid problem!

Mumpbump · 04/07/2007 16:08

Karen - if it were my ds who got beaten up, I'd have gone off on one! Sounds like you dealt with it very calmly, but not at all surprised your ds isn't happy with this woman around. Maybe look for another childminder?

maximummummy · 04/07/2007 22:00

i find it strange that your childminder has her friend round when she's working i positively discourage visitors when i have mindees here - i think it'd be unfair to them and the parents who pay for my service as i'd be distracted if i was trying to entertain the mindees and a friend - there's plenty of time for a social life after work in my opinion

PinkChick · 05/07/2007 10:26

firstly...your childminder SHOULD NOT be 'having her friends round' every day at both piack up and drop off times
secondly....you c.m should/possibly has noiticed the atmosphere so should have nipped it in the bud herself!

this woman shouldnt be there, your cm is working not socialising and reg making her choose job or friend??..theres no choice, she can see her friends in her time, not on yours!

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