Teaching good manners

[Anon1258]

Nanny to two children - 5 & 3 , 5 year old girl is showing no signs of improvement when it comes to having good manners. She spends a lot of the time complaining -'Im tired, Im hungry, I don't want to go here, there aren't enough yoyos in this pack, i don't like this toy' etc. etc. The complaints of tiredness can be at any time of the day, and the complaints of hunger are the same - can be 5 mins after eating breakfast or lunch so I know its not genuine need for food or sleep. The places she doesn't want to go to are fun places - soft play/kids museums/The Zoo/Friends houses etc. She is very grabby and rude most of the time, hands always in my bag taking stuff out and opening/using them, opening kitchen cupboards and fridge doors helping herself to food etc, snatching things off her sister which then leads to screaming from both of them. If its someones birthday and they are opening their gifts - she will grab them and try to open them herself, She takes food off peoples plate. You get the idea... As you would imagine - the younger sibling is starting to pick up these habits, she is now into everything and breaking things regularly. There are no boundaries with her and she seems to think she is another grown up in the house - I've been with them for about 6 months but there seems to be no signs of change - help!!! Tips/tricks, advice needed.

How much sleep does the five year old get. Eg what time does she go to bed? Does she have tv in the bedroom? When does she fall asleep?
You need to have a discussion with the parents. How do they feel about her behaviour? You all need to be modelling the same behaviour setting same boundaries etc.
Expect you know this already.
Maybe this is how this family like to behave. I would move on.

Cora1942
She gets plenty of sleep, they go to bed 8-ish and get up 6:30ish , no tv in room, normal regular routine every day. The rudeness is getting worse. Bought me to tears recently how disgusting they both are to me. Parents seem to just blame it on tiredness or age. Its making the job completely unenjoyable and I'm considering a whole career change after this. feeling v sad that they're behaviour has done that when I normally love my job

I'm a former nanny / current mother and employer of a nanny.

If it's been six months and you haven't clicked enough with the children to enjoy them despite their foibles, then it's better all around for you to find another job with a family you like more.

She might be a brat, she might be spoilt, she might be going through a phase, she might be acting out because of something else.. who knows? It doesn't really matter.

It's not your fault or her fault that you're not enjoying each other. It's just one of those things. But if you are at a point where you don't like and enjoy her... then move on.

Its not really about 'enjoying' each other is it. Its about behaviour, and in this case its bad behaviour that needs to be addressed. The original post was asking for advice and tips on how to improve manners and how to be a better behaved child. Your suggestion is to leave a family instead of trying to improve the childrens attitude and basic respect towards other people?

I don't mean to offend you. You said yourself that you're being driven to consider a career change, is swapping to a new family really such a surprising solution?

Serious, read your own posts back and pretend youre this girl's mother- you're a grown woman in tears over the behaviour of a 5 year old, I don't think that's normal. You blame her behaviour for making you miserable and making you consider a career change. Again- she's 5!! You're giving a lot of power to a pre-schooler here.

Also you went into a lot a detail but didn't say anything nice about her. If you were actually fond of her and looking for ways to work with her behaviour, I think other stuff would have been come up and been relevant. Is she musical, is she creative, is she intelligent, does she respond well to a challenge etc. That's the kind of stuff you can work with to change behaviour, but you really just sound like you're venting about a little girl who you think is 'disgusting' towards you.

Again, she is 5. She's not your equal, she doesn't have power over you. You have agency here, she doesn't.

If I was this girls mother I would want the adults she spends a lot of time with to enjoy her and see her good qualities. I don't think she should have to be cared for by someone who feels so put upon by her.

You're repeating back to me 'a grown woman in tears over a 5 year old' like its something to be laughed at. How lucky for you that you havent been stressed out over children, either in previous Nanny work or currently as a Mother! No its not a surprise suggestion to move family, but it sounds like you prefer to brush bad behaviour under the carpet rather than actually discipline. Its not ok to be rude to anyone, to hit/throw etc or to be ignored. End of. Its very easy to say 'she doesn't have power over you' and 'focus on the good qualities'. Unfortunately the behaviour doesn't allow space for anything else and dominates most days. Hence the original post for advice on tactics on how to resolve. Mumsnet is also a place to rant frustration, in case you hadn't noticed....