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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Upset with my nanny friend feeding her kids crap!

65 replies

FairyOnTheChristmasTree · 02/07/2007 21:08

Am I being unreasonable?
My friend who is a nanny to a 2 year old boy is buying him a cone of chips or a pasty from the bakery every single day for lunch because she can't be bothered making him anything. I know her boss would be really angry as she pays her loads and is very lenient but firm, a lovely lady really and I think my friend is really pushing it. I have threatened to tell the boys mum if it carries on. Surely this stuff every single day can't be doing him any good at all? I'm so mad with her right now for neglecting her duties as a nanny especially as it is a fantastic little job she has with nice parents and the sweetest little boy.
FWIW, the little boy has a speech problem, he can't string sentences together so he can't tell him parents what he's had for dinner.

OP posts:
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fifilou · 04/07/2007 12:55

IMO she should defo tell the mother. If shes witnessing this, shes a part of it if she doesnt do anything? If its her friend i can undersatnd how hard this is, she could always confront her friend and tell her how awful it is what shes doing.

See my previous post on what I think further down the thread.

nannyk · 04/07/2007 13:02

I think the mother ought to be told, yes. As another poster pointed out (MatNanPlus I think) LazyNanny might also be neglecting to put the effort in in other areas. This 2yr old has special needs and is probably supposed to be following a programme of activities to encourage his speech development. If he's not making any progress under the care of the nanny that's a sign that she's failing in that department too. A nanny's job is to know all about child development and use her knowledge to help that child develop to the best of their ability. That means planning a healthy diet, appropriate activities etc. It's hard work but essential, and also any professional nanny will self-impose a very high standard of care for their charges. After all, its what we are paid for.

I am not sure how the mother should be told though. After all if she really doesn't mind about the menu choices well then thats her decision. BUT the lying is a real issue, and how should the OP tell the mother/parents without sounding like a tattle tale? It's a yucky situation to be in. I once had to tell a Mum that her (overworked/underpaid) au pair was putting her baby into her crib at 11am and leaving her there til 4 or 5pm most days, just taking her bottle to her. Au pairs rationalization of her behaviour "My pay only covers 2 or 3hrs work a day, and she makes me work for 8 or more, so baby has to stay in her crib as I'm not being paid to look after her" OMFG.
I was a nervous, gibbering wreck when i spoke to the Mum. But the Mum was great, she had suspected something for a while (the pushchair wheels were dusty LOL but not really LOL). Au pair got kicked out, Mum decided against paying peanuts for monkeys, now the baby is a strapping toddler and it takes 3 adults to get her back in the pushchair when she leaves the park!!!!!

fifilou · 04/07/2007 13:08

nanyk I think you are one of the few proffesionals out there and its great to hear your comments, that echo my own thoughts.

Nannying is a hard yet rewarding job and not something done just for fun, or 'because the moneys good' I know of so many aupairs and unqualifieds/unproffesionals calling themselves nannies, when quite frankly they are NOT nannies. They give us a bad name.

nannyk · 04/07/2007 13:21

Thanks Fifi I try hard LOL.

But I agree with you, i am currently working the US and am surrounded by Hispanic and Jamaican "Nannies". They are like little Mafia's, in their own little cliques, and their charges just run riot. They handle the babies roughly and abruptly, and put no effort into talking or interacting with the little ones. When I take my twins to the park and chase them around and push them on the swing etc, the Mafia all watch me and gossip and laugh. Drives me MENTAL!!!! And the craziest thing is, parents are happy to pay for this (lack of) service!!! I've been here 15 months or so, and have had several families try and poach me, as they see my twins developing what i would consider "normally" but in comparison to their own children my twins are Mensa-headed geniuses (genii??). It's very sad, and is going to lead to a huge number of children being unnecessarily labelled special needs in the future. Just because some parents choose to pay peanuts for monkeys, I live in a very wealthy area so it's not budget driven. It's just people would rather pay their "nanny" $12 an hour, so they can afford 3 huge BMW SUVs instead of 2. Very sad

fifilou · 04/07/2007 13:48

its like that here too....some parents employ aupairs and call them nannies. They let these young inexperienced girls/boys have sole charge of their precious children, driving them around in a strange country, its madness! careful with that peanuts monkey fraise, i got into trouble big time on here once using it! ooops! (true though hey! tee-hee!)

the parents i have respect for are the ones that employ proffesionals to take care of their children. Nannies, registered childminders, etc!

nannyk · 04/07/2007 14:48

Ok I will retract and rephrase my whole peanuts/monkeys theorum: (apologies to Eleusis I know this is an issue she feels very strongly about )

Ok here goes..... (sorry it's a long one)...

In my humble opinion anyone in ANY career deserves a wage that reflects their qualifications/experience. In the childcare arena there are several rungs to the ladder and each one has a different job description regarding duties/expectation. As a result the pay bracket for each rung is understandably different. The lower 3 rungs of the ladder are occupied by au pairs, mothers helps and newly qualified nannies. Each of those is expected to fulfil different needs of families. So it makes sense that au pairs, who are SUPPOSED to be here on a cultural exchange and help out, in return get bed and board and reasonable pocket money (60 is the minimum for a 25 hour week in London). However we all know this system is grossly abused in the sense that many parents are choosing this option as a CHEAPER alternative to childcare which they really need to meet their needs. If parents choose this option for motives that are not pure, so to speak, then quite frankly they have no rights to complain about the quality of care the au pair provides. The au pair is not a nanny. The au pair is not being paid as a nanny. The au pairs job description should not even come close to ressembling that of a nanny. She (or he) is in your family home as a cultural exchange and extra pair of hands, nothing more should be asked or expected of her (him).

A mothers help has a little more responsibility, including limited sole charge. However most of her duties are carried out alongside the mother, and can include domestic chores. Her role is more of an assistant, although she will have more experience than an au pair and may be working towards becoming a nanny. As a result her pay should reflect this, and should be in the region of 100-300/week depending on her hours and whether she is live in/out and whether the job is in London.

The next rung is a newly qualified nanny. She will have all the theory down pat, and may have some good experience too. Her hours and duties are negotiable with the family and the market rate for London seems to be 200-300/week live in and 300-400/week live out. Outside London it varies, but is often up to 25% lower than London wages.

The next few rungs of the ladder are taken up by nannies who gain more and more years of experience. Their duties/hours may not always change, but it is reasonable for a nanny to get a 3-5% raise after each year of service. I know nannies with 2 years post-qualifying experience who receive 400/week live in. I also know unqualified nannies with over 15yrs experience who get 600 week live out. I feel there is a limit in London as to how high nanny pay will and can go. The market rate is fairly stable at 350/week live in on average and 450-500/week live out. Some families can afford to pay more, and do. Some families cannot afford to pay that and adjust their expectations and needs accordingly.

My bugbear is when a family employs an au pair and then expects them to work 50 hours a week sole charge of babies, or 3 under 5 year olds. Families are responsible for determining their needs and then hiring accordingly. If they take advantage of cheaper forms of childcare they then run the risk of not only being dissatisfied with that childcarer, but also getting into potentially dangerous or neglectful situations.

HOWEVER, it is perfectly possible to find a kind, competent au pair/mothers help/starter nanny who not only excels in meeting the needs of their family/employer, but also proves through their work that they deserve to be an exception to the rule and receive a higher than typical pay. And remember not all nannies are good nannies, just as not all au pairs are bad au pairs.

in the end its horses for courses. If a family wants a professional nanny they have to not only seek one out, they have to pay for it. If they want a newbie nanny, and realise that she may have less experience but are happy to give her a chance (cos everyone has to start somewhere) then thats fabulous too. If they want a helping hand, and someone to chat to the kids in French, then an au pair is perfect for them.

Families are responsible for seeking the right kind of person to meet their families needs. If they cut corners then whose to blame? And on the same note, if a childcarer bites off more than they can chew (ie deliberately accepts a job that will end up in her being overworked/underpaid/she or he is totally inexperienced and unsuitable for) then she or he really needs to re-evaluate what their abilities are and apply only to jobs that they can actually do. Employer or employee, we are all accountable and we are all responsible for ourselves.

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2007 14:58

Shop her to her employees. She can't be a nice person - not much of a loss as a friend, no?

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2007 14:58

employers...

TaylorsMummy · 04/07/2007 16:27

hmc,i don't think you can judge whether she is a nice person or what kind of a friend she is based just on this it's not like she's doing something really awful to the child.in the scheme of things this is nothing imo.

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2007 16:44

Well frankly I do. She is feeding her small charge crap on a daily basis, and hoodwinking her employer. That makes her a shit

SofiaAmes · 04/07/2007 16:47

She is lying to her employer....it doesn't really matter what she is lying about. That's just completely unacceptable in a nanny or frankly in any employee.

HenriettaHippo · 04/07/2007 18:59

I agree with hmc. Food habits for life are formed very early. Potentially, she is doing something "really awful" to the child. She's setting him up with terrible eating habits. Feeding my child rubbish like this, and not letting him get enough sleep would be the two massive no-nos if I were ever to employ a nanny. If this were my nanny, I'd want to know. And then I'd get rid of her. Fast.

NKF · 04/07/2007 19:16

It's not just the food and not just the lying. It's that she can't be bothered. And that's what parents want and children need - someone who can be bothered.

Greensleeves · 04/07/2007 21:39

Agree with hmc's post, succintly put. Decent people don't cut corners with children's health and lie to their employers. If he could talk, she wouldn't get away with it, and she knows it! So she's taking advantage of his communication difficulties. Nice

MatNanPlus · 05/07/2007 16:22

Sadly all of us professional nannies, i have been one for over 18yrs now see time and time again the wrong person in the wrong job and parents who should care more about the MOST precious part of themselves, their irreplaceable child seem not to care.

Only by the mother being informed can SHE make the decision as to whether she is happy with the current situation and i think it is the duty of the OP to bring it up with either the nannies employer or her own employer, they need not know one another, a phone call would work.

I have had to report a nanny for "bad mouthing" her new and very generous employer, the incident occurred where other employees and service users could have easily over heard the rant and personally her rant was poppycock, she was angry that they wouldn't be dictated to on how they should bring up their child she had no nannying experience and had only just qualified while working at a nursery.

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