Childminder doesn’t offer extended settling - advice?

[crazycatlady5]

My daughter who has just turned 2 has been doing settling in sessions at nursery - they’re not going well at all and my gut says she is too young. I have so far left for an hour at a time and she cries the ENTIRE time she is there, non stop. I contacted a childminding team I had my eye on about a year ago and they sound so lovely - only reservation is they don’t offer any ‘stay and play’ settling, so after initial meeting it would be come in, stay a couple of minutes, and leave toddler there for extended periods each time (I assume 1 hour, then 2 etc). Not sure if just leaving her with people she has only met once is a great idea BUT:

1. I did stay and play at nursery and in some ways I feel it was harder as she got used to me being there
2. she will have total 1-1 interaction as the team currently don’t have any other kids under school age

WWYD?

That sounds pretty usual building up the hours to be honest.

My DD only met our CM once. I had one lined up who fell through. Found current one- met once for an hour and she started full days 3 days later.

Thanks @CatToddlerUprising (I love the name!) - was your DD a pretty sensitive child at the time?

Bump!

In a way, I can see how some CMs might resist 'stay and play'. It means the parents of all the other children have to accept the presence of new, unknown parents, with no background checks around their children.

TBH their is no magic formula to settling in. With some children, settling sessions are unnecessary; with others the sessions don’t seem to achieve anything. They certainly don’t replicate the reality of a full period without mum.

My personal view is that 90%+ of successfully preparing a child for childcare is down to the what families do (or don’t do) before they ever set foot in a childcare setting. IME settling sessions have more to do with easing parental anxieties than easing things for the child.

Is your dd used to being with other people or is she only ever with you or her dad? If she's not used to ever being away from you then it'll take her longer to adjust.

@pinkhorse she has ALWAYS resisted being away from us - it even took her a while to accept being with just her dad. She is a mummies girl - she likes to be with her grandparents now, she would never really accept being left with a random person or even a family member that she doesn’t see all the time. She is very ‘high needs’.

Our CM didn't do settling in sessions. I was a bit twitchy and certainly had to leave one wailing on a few occasions but she always coped. The dc loved her and she's been our CM for a decade.

My CM is very flexible and on one of the days only has my son. We are going to build up slowly and I am welcome to stay for a bit, I like that because my son is 2 and he is so much happier in places that he knows already.
Have a chat, if you are paying for the settling I find most CMs really work with the parents.
Mine didnt settle at nursery either but I wouldnt close the door to CM OP, have a chat with them and give it a go
There is also this 2 yo separation anxiety so be reassured it all can change soon

A settling in session los generally a short time when you don't stop. If your LO gets used to you staying it just makes it harder as life suddenly changes and settling has to start from scratch. while your there LO goes to you for everything including comfort and does not adjust to going to the cm so neither party gets to understand each other. I would ask for a build up in time from half and hour to a half day including food and sleep. This maybe a couple of sessions or more depending on how it goes and how long you have before work.

I’m a childminder and wouldn’t be a fan of parents wanting to hang around for settling in visits. I generally have parents round to meet me and have a chat about what they want. Then we decide to move forward and the child would come for a couple of hours on their own once or twice, in the week or two leading up to their start day. Generally that’s fine and I haven’t had a child not settle because the settling in sessions were wrong.
I agree with whoever said settling in was really for parents benefit. Generally the child is fine, while the parent goes home and dwells that they are leaving their child and worries that the child isn’t happy (when in reality the child is fine). I always tell parents to find something to keep them busy (shopping/coffee with a friend) so their time is focused.

I sometimes think extended settling in with parents is more harm than good, you are simply prolonging the moment that you leave the child on their own and if they have spent a lot of time with the child in the setting, when you do go, that will confuse them more I think. So I keep it simple and in my setting it does work.